July 18, 2008

The Tattlesnake – A (Partial) Collection of Lesser-Known Quotes Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion,Quote,Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , — RS Janes @ 7:14 am

Plenty of Pith, Punch and Pop for Potted Palookas, Peeved Prognosticators and Potent Portside Political Pundits

“The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.”
– John Kenneth Galbraith

“I’ve gone into hundreds of [fortune teller's parlors], and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her.”
– A New York City bunco detective. [And what about the winning lottery numbers?]

“The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists.”
– Ernest Hemingway [Bush reversed the formula, but it's still true today.]

“Nothing doth more hurt in a state than that cunning men pass for wise.”
– Sir Francis Bacon ["Paging Mr. Rove, paging Mr. Rove…"]

“Karl Rove deserves to be remembered as the man who thought Americans should have enough education to understand his fables but not enough to doubt them.”
– Eric Rauchway

“Hain’t we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain’t that a big enough majority in any town?”
– Mark Twain in “Huckleberry Finn.”

“A supporter once called out, ‘Governor Stevenson, all thinking people are for you!’ And Adlai Stevenson answered, ‘That’s not enough. I need a majority.’”
– Scott Simon

“If you are not a thinking man, to what purpose are you a man at all?”
– Samuel Taylor Coleridge

“An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.”
– Aldous Huxley

“The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance — it is the illusion of knowledge.”
– Daniel J. Boorstin


May 11, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Another Scene from the Neocon Paradise Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 9:34 am

Where Government is Tiny, Everything is Privatized, and the Free Market rules… 

“Hello, this is the Little Big National Neighborhood Bank that really cares about you! How can I help you?” 

“Well, first of all, you could ‘care about me’ by not making me wait through 30 minutes of canned music to talk to a real person.” 

“Sorry, sir, but we’re very busy here taking care of all our happy customers!” 

“Yeah? Well, I’m not one of them.” 

“What can I do to make you one?” 

“Last night I took out $60 bucks from one of your ATM’s and I noticed I was charged $1.50 for the withdrawal.” 

“That’s right, sir, that’s our standard ATM transaction fee.” 

“But fifteen years ago when you converted to the ATM machines, you said it would cut costs for the bank and the savings and convenience would be passed on to the customer. Back then, all transactions at any ATM were free!” 

“That’s right, sir. Aren’t the ATM’s so much more convenient than coming into the bank to withdraw cash?” 

“But wait a minute here — about eight years ago you said you were going to start charging an ATM transaction fee of a dollar, but only at other banks’ machines; your ATM’s would stay free.” 

“Yes, sir – what’s the problem with that?” 

“Aside from the fact that the fee to use an ATM from any other bank has steadily risen so it’s up to $3.00 a pop, now I’m getting charged $1.50 a transaction from your own ATM’s that used to be free!” “Yes, sir, well, our fees have to keep up with inflation.” 

“But I just read that your bank made a record profit last year! Why not take a little less profit and show how much you ‘care’ about your customers by keeping the ATM transactions free?! I’ve been putting my money in your bank for twenty years!” 

“I’m sorry you feel that way, sir. We want to keep you as our customer, but if you’re so dissatisfied with our service, perhaps you can find another bank that does not charge this ATM fee. After all, it’s a free market and that guarantees competitive prices!” 

“I’ve already called around to every bank in the area – they’re ALL charging $1.50 to use their ATM’s. What do you guys do, get into a room and decide how much you’re going to shear us sheep?”


April 4, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Sly Like a Fox News Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , — RS Janes @ 6:59 am

Properly Framing McCain and Rupert’s Little Joke

“The press loves McCain. We’re his base.”
– Chris Matthews, MSNBC, Sept. 10, 2006.

What’s with the New Hire at MSNBC the other afternoon, hosting a senior member of John McCain’s entourage for a free 15-minute campaign commercial disguised as an interview? The vacuous cheerleader, while following the Big Media diktat of having McCainites on unimpeded by disagreeable Dems who might raise doubts or rudely break out laughing at the GOP candidate’s hapless flip-flopping, forgot to curtsey appropriately and properly word her sole question of any substance.

While in the first part of her question she observed the standard BM structure when addressing Big Mac or his affiliates, she didn’t quite genuflect enough at the end: “Well, we all know what he meant by that ‘hundred years in Iraq’ remark, but could you clarify Sen. McCain’s position a little more for our audience?”

Listen, kid, you want a future in this business, you’re going to have to frame your questions better. The preferred form of respectful recumbence would have been: “I’m so sorry to trouble you with this, I truly am, but just in case any of our viewers may have gotten the wrong impression and thought that Sen. McCain actually said that we should occupy Iraq for a hundred years – which we all know is just so untrue and unfair – could you please clarify his position on this, please, sir?”

And make sure not to play any video clips contradicting the McCain flack’s answer, as you would with a lowly Democrat or other political trash. She also only called him a ‘War Hero’ twice – in a quarter-hour spot, that phrase should be repeated at least six times, along with the words ‘maverick’ and some variation of ‘straight-talk.’ Usage example: “Next up, an interview with war hero John McCain’s campaign manager. He’s here to deliver some straight talk from our nationally-beloved political maverick who toughed it out as a POW for six years during the Vietnam War, making him the logical choice for our next commander-in-chief!”

For further tips, consult Ana Marie Cox’s new book, “Obsequious – On the Campaign Trail with That Lovable Old Sweetie-Pie, War Hero John McCain.”


April 1, 2008

‘Obama Mamas’ Deployed in PA to Help Candidate in Primary

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , — RS Janes @ 4:35 pm

‘Obama Mamas’ Deployed in PA to Help Candidate in Primary

By J. J. Gingleheimer-Schmitt
The Wilkes-Barre Citizen-Review
Updated 45 minutes ago at 2:58 pm EST

Exclusive to the Citizen-Review — According to Steve Puta, Barack Obama’s Pennsylvania Campaign Co-Chair, thousands of women between the ages of 19 and 45 have been sent out across the Keystone State with the mission of convincing male voters to cast their ballots for the Illinois senator April 22.

“It’s really important that we bring in working-class male voters in the 21 to 50 demographic,” Puta said in an interview. “To that end, we’ve been enlisting attractive women to join what we call the Obama Mamas to entice those men into the polling place, in a manner of speaking.”

Puta went on to say that the group was concentrating on sports bars, truck stops, diners, rest stops, hardware stores, unemployment offices and other places where men gather. “We’re in a long hard fight here, but our numbers have been quickly growing since we announced the program last week,” Puta said, “and it’s really awesome that we have these young hotties and MILFs out there, in mini-skirts and high heels, committed to making this a super-sized victory for Barack.”

Maudie Frickert, Director of Hillary Clinton’s Wilkes-Barre County campaign, dismissed the Obama Mamas, “This is a really disgusting sexist stunt. I think he’ll lose a lot of support among women with this. It should be called Bimbos for Barack.”

Obama’s national campaign refused to comment on the Obama Mamas.


March 23, 2008

Easter Greetings

Filed under: Quote — Tags: , , — RS Janes @ 6:50 pm

“Easter is a special time. The Holy Holiday celebrates the third day after Jesus is crucified and then buried in a tomb with a large boulder in front of it. The story goes that Mary Magdelene is by the gravesite when a great light bursts forth, the earth shakes, and the boulder that is in front of the tomb rolls aside and the miracle of Jesus rising from the grave looks out through the beaming light and because of that light, he sees his shadow and thus there are six more weeks of winter.”
– From Phil Proctor’s Planet Proctor 2008-08

Enjoy the day, no matter what you believe or don’t believe.

March 21, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Yet More Scenes from the Neocon Paradise Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , — RS Janes @ 10:49 am

Where Government is Tiny and Everything is Privatized…

“Hello, Commercial Water Distribution Corporation, how can I help you?”

“Hi, my name is…”

“Got it right here on the AT&T surveillance screen: Winston Smith, 1984 Enron Lane, Planktonville. You’ve got a wife and two kids, work two full-time jobs, one at the Mega Mall on Route 15 and the other at the Burger Bandit, and you earn a collective total yearly wage of $41,000, and you had what you thought was a bad case of the flu last week but was actually food poisoning from that meatloaf your wife made from downed-cattle beef that wasn’t inspected by the USDA. What can I do for you, sir?”

“Jesus, you got all that from my phone number? Anyway, look, since you took over our municipal water system last month, my water bill has shot up from ten bucks a month to fifty. How do you expect working people to afford this? This is an outrage!”

“That’s the cost of making your water system more efficient and profitable.”

“More efficient?! Since you took over the water is brown and rusty-tasting – it used to be clear and sweet!”

“I assure you, sir, reputable scientists have certified that the water coming out of your pipes is absolutely safe to drink.”

“What scientists?”

“Scientists from the Independent Water Institute.”

“I heard about that group – it’s owned by the for-profit water industry – in other words, it’s owned by your company and other companies like it.”

“Be that as it may, it is now the only organization that certifies safe drinking water, since we finally managed to drown government, and their scientists, in a bathtub some years ago – not to make a water-related joke. You should be happy that all of America is an unregulated competitive free trade zone these days.”

“This isn’t free trade, this is crazy – you don’t have any competition!”

“CWDC is run by some very smart people who bought out the competition – it’s all completely legal and aboveboard.”

“Yeah, well, nobody asked me if I wanted a privatized water system!”

“According to your records, you’ve voted straight Republican since you first cast a ballot in 1980. What did you think you were voting for? Didn’t you want the government off your back?”


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