Some well known American political pundits have recently started to dabble in speculation about the possibility that a deadlocked Republican National Convention in Miami next summer will ask JEB Bush to please come to the Party’s aid and accept the nomination. That kind of hypothetical scenario indicates two possible explanations about the sources of such “trial balloons:” either the “expert” has grossly underestimated Karl Rove or they are writing those forecasts to pay off some kind of journalistic/political IOU’s.
Karl Rove is a leading practitioner of the existentialist philosophy and he makes things happen the way he wants them to unfold or he sits it out. Karl Rove isn’t going to put all his bets on something that might happen. What would happen to this elaborate scenario if, hypothetically speaking, two candidates see a deadlock developing and form a mutual aid alliance and join together to make a complete ticket package with an unbeatable number of committed delegates? If Rove decides to play an active role in the selection of the Republican Party’s Presidential Candidate, he ain’t gonna rely on luck to get his guy the prize. If Karl “the architect” Rove is half as good as nationally known pundits hint that he is, he’ll go into Miami with the nomination a done deal.
What makes the World’s Laziest Journalist think that he can make an accurate assessment of the situation while all the best paid political reporters play dumb? (Glad you asked.)
Here are three clues: When JEB spoke recently at a convention of Educational specialists in San Francisco, his opening act was Rupert Murdoch. Two: Karl Rove has been working for the Bush family since 1973. Some Liberal pundits think that Rove had a covert role in engineering Republican Presidential wins in 2000 and 2004. (If he has done it before; can’t he do it again?) Three: the electronic voting machines with unverifiable results could seal the deal in both some critical primary elections and the Presidential election in November of 2012.
With those factors working for JEB, shouldn’t the national political analysts making a lucrative living at reporting election results that are surprise upsets that contradict the best pre-election polling surveys, be able to see how Karl “the architect” Rove could deliver a premeditated political blitzkrieg? Since all news reports about the Iowa caucuses include a notation that no one seems to understand the process, maybe someone as astute as Karl Rove could game the system and score a win for JEB at the beginning of January?
He would then ask his well trained friends in the journalism industry to deliver (cue the dog and pony metaphor) an avalanche of news reports that declare (ex cathedra style?) that America has forgiven the Bush family any lapses in judgment by Dubya and that skeptics (moi?) are being presented with irrefutable evidence of a groundswell of support for JEB.
As currently scheduled, January will end with the Florida Primary. Gee, do ya think that Karl Rove would have to resort to an extensive level of chicanery to deliver a JEB win in that state?
In November of 2011, saying that JEB might be used to break a deadlocked Republican convention is a stealth way of bypassing a debate about the bad “brand name” factor attached to a guy named Bush. When (not if) he has a “groundswell” movement being reported extensively in the mainstream media in February of next year, then any objections about the liability of the family name will be moot.
The media loved the tea bagger’s antics but were quick to report the dangers to health and safety presented by the Occupy Protests. Why the difference?
The world will little note nor long remember any accurate JEB predictions we make here, but on a cold November morning in a sleepy quiet University town what else can a columnist do but make an effort to become the Hans Brinker of internet American political punditry?
We could, instead, write a column about the two-mile island of trash that departed from the scene of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan some months ago and is being carried by the Pacific Ocean current towards the West Coast of America but wouldn’t that be a bit like writing a movie review with a spoiler for the lede?
How about a column that points out the possibility that the raids on the various Occupy encampments always come at night might have been inspired by the similar tactic used by German Police before WWII?
An Oakland resident has suggested that we should do a column about the need to rewrite the Constitution. He points out that some European countries have managed that feat.
We could write a column about the recent trial balloons suggesting that it may be time to privatize Veterans Health Care.
Is it true that Fox played video of the policeman at UC Davis defending himself from the out-of-control protesters sitting on the ground in front of him with the only audio being ♫ Wagner’s Ride of the Valkyries? Didn’t the newsbabe follow it up with the comment “I love the smell of pepper spray in the morning!”?
Didn’t a Fox newsbabe make an observation that pepper spray is made from food? Wasn’t that also true of mustard gas?
Perhaps, it would be more apropos to write a column about Life magazine’s 75th birthday? We would use that column to ask: Why hasn’t Life magazine (and Youtube?) and other well known photo brand names such as Kodak and Nikon, joined together to build an indispensable aggregate Internet web site for news still photos and videos? (Just like they did for print media and news photos all those years ago.) They could become the image Internets version of what Huff-Po does with words (i.e. news briefs and opinion pieces).
Should the World’s Laziest Journalist write a column asking if the Columbia Review of Journalism noticed that (according to a recent radio news report) ten news groups in their hometown filed a complaint that the NYPD, during the raid on Zoo-cati park, temporarily suspended the Constitutional guarantee of a free and unfettered Press in America? Hell if the CJR doesn’t care, why should this columnist? Didn’t Germany get along very well before WWII without a Free Press?
If, as some lunatic conspiracy theory nuts would have you believe, the United States is heading toward becoming a fascist state, will it be a “flip a light switch” style binary change or will arrive slowly and gradually (cue the Ansel Adams concept of a gray scale?)? Will some hysterical blogger use the Cheshire cat’s disappearing act as a metaphor?
Speaking of lunatic conspiracy theory nuts, a reliable source has tipped us to the fact that the R&D department over at the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory is working on the idea that if the Republicans want to revert back to a Fascist Republic (for which it stands) rather than a Democracy; it might be very convenient for them if Marshal Law is invoked by a Liberal Democratic President of Pan-African heritage rather than some Sturm und Drang Republican. He could use the rocks and bottle throwing (dirty) hippies in the Occupy movement as a convenient excuse.
The President promised change and America has gone from “Don’t taze me, bro” to mace in the face. Who used to say: “Progress is our most important product.”?
St Ronald Reagan used student unrest (as exemplified by the image of a student speaking on top of a police car at UC Berkeley) to establish his credentials as a conservative Republican worthy of being that Party’s Presidential nominee. Is it too much of stretch to imagine that if he were still alive today, he would go over to the UC Davis campus and urge: “Madam Chancellor, tear down this tent city!”?
Doesn’t a school administrator who apologizes for using pepper spray look pathetic when compared to a California governor who declared: “If it takes a bloodbath to end this dissention, let’s get it over with.”? How is Occupy Kent State going?
Now the disk jockey will play Hank Williams Jr.’s “Carrin’ on a family tradition,” Jerry Reed’s “When you’re hot; you hot,” and The Stones’ “Street Fightin’ Man.” We have to go see what odds the bookies in Vegas are giving for bets on JEB as the next President. Have an “expect the unexpected” type week.
Did Philip K Dick use a time travel machine to do ghost writing for Shakespeare?
Note: Parts of this column may have been fabricated . . . or fictionalized . . . or not. Otherwise you will have to believe that the Government and America’s Free Press collaborate together to keep you from learning the truth.
As December begins and the film reviewers cope with an onslaught of films about murder, incest, alcoholism, adultery, drug addiction, incurable diseases, and crippling sports injuries, folks skimming through the various Life and Arts sections in American newspapers looking for some holiday entertainment, have a subtle clue for the fact that awards season has begun.
Competition and news coverage will be extensive for the scramble for the various awards given to movie makers, but there are other less newsworthy awards that the media will ignore. Lost in the madding crowd of eager award committees will be an obscure band of specialists trying to select this year’s best new conspiracy theories.
Fans of the veteran stalwart conspiracy theories, such as Building 7, the magic bullet, and any advanced intelligence about the attack on Pearl Harbor, will have to wait until the Conspiracy Theory Hall of Fame holds it’s annual Induction Awards dinner (you have heard about that, haven’t you?) before they can start reviving their darling candidate.
To be eligible for the right to be awarded the 2011 Conspiracy Theory of the Year trophy, a theory must have been hatched during that particular year.
Has some kind of diabolical, coordinated effort kept you blissfully unaware of any new conspiracy theories?
Top contender for this year’s title, according to an unimpeachable source in the R&D Department on the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory campus (located at an encampment in the Desolation Wilderness, perhaps?), is the wild speculation that the Occupy Movement may be a “false flag” operation funded by a wealthy pair of Conservative billionaires known only as “the Bobbsy Twins.”
According to the unsubstantiated hypothesis, the Occupy Movement was fiendishly engineered by a well known Republican dirty tricks specialist (code named “the Architect”?) so that it would initially resemble the Tea Bag movement, but would ultimately fail and bring dishonor and humiliation to the Liberal cause. Under the “one for all – all for one” banner, the tricksters would inundate the General Assembly meetings with the street people, who would have been institutionalized in a country with a more Liberal agenda for the needy, and thereby cause the attempts to determine the general consensus on policy questions to seize up like a car engine running without oil.
If the problem of wealth disparity calls for innovations from a bold thinking charismatic leader, then it stands to reason that injecting the movement with a considerable number of stoners would stymie the movement from the git-go. When slackers camp-out are they called “tent potatoes”?
Remember that the Tea Bag movement was composed of well dressed retirees who were provided with bus transportation to and from the events. They were not given free tents.
On Thanksgiving, Occupy Oakland sustained an incident that produced a video (that immediately “went viral” on the Internets) that was instigated by denying the public the use of port-a-potties in the Frank Ogawa Plaza area. Free meals had been provided on late Thanksgiving morning, so by limiting afternoon access to restroom facilities, a spontaneous incident was virtually assured. Could Heinrich Himmler have devised a cleverer ploy? Isn’t using a free Thanksgiving meal to precipitate a need for restroom facilities that subsequently can’t be used a fine example of using the compassionate Conservative Christian philosophy to gain political points?
Is that the only fresh conspiracy theory for 2011?
Could all the Republican debates be a fiendish plot to flood the airwaves with Republican talking points while all the time the eventual Republican pick sat out the process on the sideline, thus being provided with immunity from gaffs and embarrassing quotes? If such a “hypothetical” candidate from the Republican bullpen wins his party’s nomination then (in retrospect) this could be a conspiracy theory eligible for the 2011 award, but since nobody is expressing the idea it can’t possibly win this year’s award.
Can the early prototype version of a conspiracy theory win the annual award? If so, here’s a sneak peek at one in the “mockup” stage at the Amalgamated Factory: Could the Occupy Movement be a covert effort to provide easy maintenance inmates for the privatized prison industry?
Here’s how the conspiracy theory lunatics would see it: the folks who get arrested for “trespassing” can be charged with either simple trespass (which is a misdemeanor and usual ends with a fine or forfeiture of bail) or it could be criminal trespass which can mean getting a lawyer, having a trial, and getting a prison sentence. If you were running a privatized prison which would you prefer to use to stock up your facility: either hardened criminals or inept protesters who advocate non-violence?
Be careful analyzing this concept because if you don’t “get your mind right, Luke;” you run the risk of becoming a newly baptized lunatic conspiracy theorist and thereby insure that all the other regular listeners to Uncle Rushbo will laugh at you.
It’s not just fans of the old Jim Healy sports news program who are asking: “Is it true . . . ?” Some of the grizzly old journalists on the conspiracy theory beat are begging their best sources for more information on the rumor that the boys at Amalgamated are pitching a “Conspiracy Theory Lunatic’s History of the United States” project to some publishers in New York City. It could also carry the title “The Encyclopedia of Conspiracy Theories.”
Doesn’t a dynamic new generation of Conservative thinkers deserve the opportunity to scoff and express righteous indignation over the absurd questions raised in the past about:
The mysterious death of Ronald Reagan’s chimpanzee co-star from “Bedtime for Bonzo”
The mysterious death of George Reeves
The possibility that an ancient Amrbose Bierce ghosted columns in San Francisco under the Freddy Francisco byline?
Was Earle Flynn a Nazi Spy?
Building 7 (Is there an Occupy Building 7 encampment?)
Was the death of Che Guevara faked? Was he really offered a chance for a new identity under the witness protection program? Did he (in his fake identity life) become a member of the City Council in a small California University city and fight endless battles with that school’s liberal students?
Did some guy named Felix Rodriguez really toss a very top secret report on the faking of Hitler’s Death and his subsequent life (in the witness protection program) as the mayor of an Ohio city, on his boss’ desk and say: “We could do the same thing with Che!”?
How could Geronimo’s skull possibly wind up in a mansion in Kennebunkport?
Last and certainly not least, why hasn’t Oakland mayor Jean Quan been featured on one of the Sunday morning TV shows featuring newsmakers?
Isn’t it curious that the time and location for the unveiling of the official selection of the award winning Best New Conspiracy Theory of 2011 is not being provided to the various important assignment editors? The results will be e-mailed to newsrooms after the Awards ceremony has been conducted. What up wid dat? Why the secrecy?
In the past, we have encountered a story about the Rich’s conception of being poor: When a wealthy dame was told that the poor are always complaining about hunger, her response was to ask “Why don’t they ring the bell?” and thereby signal the servants that food was needed stat. Any attempt to explain how that wouldn’t solve the problem for the poor would only have taxed (no taxing for the rich!) her intelligence beyond it’s capacity to function.
Unfortunately our attempts to do some online fact checking to learn the source of that anecdote have been unsuccessful. Why can’t his columnist find the source for that anecdote online?
Now the disk jockey will play Chuck Berry’s “My ding-a-ling,” “The Bells are ringing,” and “Bell of the Ball.” We have to go back in the ring for round 7. Have a “where did it go?” type week.