BartBlog

                                  Finally… the TRUTH!
“Rewarding truthtellers during a time when lying is more profitable.”

I have a fantasy that at one of these moments, a candidate will say, “You know what, Tim (Russert), I’m not going to answer that question. (”What’s your favorite Bible verse?”) This is serious business. And you, sir, are a disgrace. You have in front of you a group of accomplished, talented leaders, one of whom will in all likelihood be the next president of the United States. You can ask them whatever you want. And you choose to engage in this ridiculous gotcha game, thinking up inane questions you hope will trick us into saying something controversial or stupid. Your fondest hope is that the answer to your question will destroy someone’s campaign. You’re not a journalist, you’re the worst kind of hack, someone whose efforts not only don’t contribute to a better informed electorate, they make everyone dumber. So no, I’m not going to stand here and try to come up with the most politically safe Bible verse to cite. Is that the best you can do?”

                                         -Paul Waldman

      Without further ado, YOS Enterprises and Magical, Marvelous, Genetic- Altering, Syntax-ual based Experimentation Lab Present…

                                  Two Torture Memos
                         “Thanks, RS, for the inspiration.”

Memo: To the Interowgators
From: de Presudent
Re: Your prisunur
Date: “Sure, but don’t tell Laura… he, he, he…”

      You not gettin what I wants out of dis guy. He has to be guilty: God told me. He twells me evweding. Even twells when to pee, whos to pee ons und what elunctick wires to hook ups whens Is do… he, he, he… dats me uns Biggus Dickuseseses job… he, he, he… God sayd. Dis guy claims he know nuthin? Yous needs to gets him to gets him to twell us whad we wanna hear, und be shure he follow da one of da scripts Gonzo gave yous before he lefts. Wes will use it to fwighten evwebodie uns get mure mys kind guys electud… he, he, he.. Did I jast type all dat laughin outloud? Oopsie…

Date: a few days later
Memo: To the President
From: Blackwater
Re: The Prisoner (Hey, idiot! Junior will get MAD if you correct him.) Um… the prisunur

(YOS Note: Blacked out portions brought to you by Homeland Insecurity. We WANT you to be scared. BOO! And Burma Shave, now featuring WMD in a shaving cream can… now for that REALLY close, and headless, ball-less, backless, or tongue-less shave… depending on where you like to put your razors! Product usability proven by through testing on prisoners by Blackwater. No warranty implied. In fact we’ll step as far back as we can when you use one of our cans, and do the “Can, can…” Oops, now you CAN’T anymore…  

CAN YOU? )                                                                                  

        Yes, Mr. President, as requested, we finally broke him. We waterboarded him. We probed all the sensitive orifices. We used live electric wires and a hood. We would have made him go naked but, except the hat and goggles, he already was. What follows is a transcript…

Blackwater employee; Mr. Boris: Listen, we know you’re involved with al Qaeda. You’d better confess or we’ll give those nuts one more swift kick…

Rocket J.: But that’s not fair. I’ve saved them all year long! Besides, I don’t know anything about any al Qaeda, Iran, or Iraq… I told you, I live in Frostbite Falls.

Blackwater employee; Mr. Boris: Listen squirrel, we’re about to clip your “wings…”
Rocket J.: Oh, no, then how will I save Frostbite Falls from your bombs?

Blackwater employee, Natasha: That’s right squirrrel, ve’re gonna skip right over Iran for now and… POOF! …no more Frostbite Falls!
Rocket J.: (Obviously Rocky has been beaten, electrocuted and had more than one of his “nuts” shoved up his… well, Scribe will leave that to your imagination.)
Please no, enough already from criminy’s sake. Gosh, by golly… I’ll tell you anything you want.

Blackwater employee; Mr. Boris: OK, Squirrel. Who is the leader of your terrorist cell.
Rocket J.: I keep telling you, I really don’t know anyone… well other than Bullwinkle.

Blackwater employee: OK, Natasha, take this down for Fearmongering Leader- “Alert! Terrorist on the loose. Tall. Hairy. Has big horns. Acts very stupid.” Natasha! I said “take it down,” not poke out squirrel’s other eye while pouring wine with other hand!
Blackwater employee; Natasha: But Borris, the Vice President is here, and we know he like a nice light snack now and then with a splash of Chianti.

      From off stage Biggus Dickus is wheeled in strapped down like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Rocky gasps.

      As the scene closes with a “circle out,” the circle briefly pauses before total black like in, The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari. Boris is smirking much like Junior does: our Fearmongering leader. He looks in the lens of the “camera” and says; with a wink…

Blackwater employee; Boris: Goodee, now we’ll keep him in a very small stall and then give him to our “hand-picked” head of special ops, Larry Craig.

Narrator…

Tune in next week for our next exciting episode called, “Taking the Terrorist Bull(winkle) by the Horns” or “Interrogator Craig Gets, Once Again, to Beat His Moose Meat Raw.”