Weird Net News
“News quite quirky lurkies out there on the net for all to see.”
Chocoholics unite! You have nothing to lose but your sobriety!
So, without further ado, Ye Olde Scribe presents the latest in the “Thank GOD They Were Lost” episodes of Star Trek; this one entitled…
Through the Nexus in a Lexus
The year? Well, it HAD been the 24th century. Riker, Troi, Geordi… and Robby the Robot piloting a Lexus through space. He’s on loan from the long defunct set of Forbidden Planet because Data was off satisfying his new found love interest: a toaster from the planet Screwyoutubathon… where they manufacture both every tuba and uterine tube tying device in the known, unknown and semisortof-known-butmostlyforgotten universe. Thankfully he has been returned to his more intelligent design after being hijacked for the “Robot” role in the genre’ genocidal Sci Fi atrocity known as Lost in Space.
Occasionally one can hear the sound of electrical circuits being fried because Data left his long communications device on and the signal somehow has made its way down a worm hole… past a pile of worm food… wait, that’s worm… never mind… and into our script.
It’s SCI FI script, damn it. What, you were expecting something that didn’t streeeeeeeeeeeeeetch reality more than just a tad?
Robby is piloting Pickhard’s new aquisition: a 2000 Lexus retrofited with warp drive, a force field to keep the air in and cup holders that GOD DAMN WORK; NOT THOSE PIECES OF CRAP THAT SPILL HOT COFFEE INTO YE OLDE’S LAP AND ONTO SCRIBE’S….
Never mind. You didn’t just read that.
Anywhosie. The Lexus, bearing the license plate, “Stillactingstifferthanacorpse…” (It is a rather long license place because transdimensional beings from the Planet Wordalot… right next to the Spamalot dimension… now license all space craft EVERYWHERE. And you think OUR bureaucrats are bad? HA!!!!!!!!!!!
Pickhard just watched Kirk die. He’s almost upset and acts close to human. Might as well be able to act SOME role, right?
Troi and Riker are having sex, because this is the XXX1/2 rated version.
Suddenly the Nexus decides to go shopping in their neighborhood, after he left the more wonderful day in the Mr. Roger’s neighborhood. Mr. Lexus, now Mr. after his tenth sex change operation, sweeps right through the Lexus. Funny thing about the Nexus and how he reacts to a Lexus. It ain’t quite the same way as he does when when he catches a “ride” from a hitchiking SoRAN, who in the XXX 1/2 version holds up his skirt to entice Mr. Nexus to stop. No, reacting with a Lexus, Nexus decides to make a Lexus an AlsoRAN… and also massage the Lexus a little bit so they both can be a little more PAST TENSE.
Pickhard- Number 1, what happened? Where are we?
Troi (after yet another brief moan)- Captain, PLEASE don’t call Will “Number 1,” or he might do number 1 and, right now, that wouldn’t be very nice for either of us. Besides, the more accurate question would be… (she scowls at having to read a cliche’ almost as bad as her acting has ALWAYS been.) … WHEN are we.
(YOS note: after all these years of Sci Fi hitting mainstream entertainment can’t script writers come up with a different way to phrase that cliche’?)
Riker (obviously just followed the Captain’s “instructions” despite Troi’s warning and is hurting from the effort) Yes, Captain, let me examine my instrument first. (Troi is squirting excess liquid out so she’s more than a bit preoccupied) Oh, that’s better. Now… oh, my… we’re not where we’re supposed to be. According to transmissions being broadcasted from this side of the planet Earth… that’s Washington DC you see down there… must have been taken over by the Borg. They’re all listening to the same central command, they’re all saying the same things. We must be in the future! That’s where the Nexus took us, I guess. They seem to be broadcasting to the humans who are still resisting their terrible form of mind control. I’m afraid, Captain, resistance is…
Pickhard- Fuedal?
Riker- (Winces at the pun) No, Captain, that was the lost episode Scribe has yet to write. I was going to say, “Futile.” Hope he doesn’t write that one. His scripts suck almost as much as most of the ones that actually were aired.
Robby clicks and clacks more than he usually does, a sign he’s annoyed at the bad script he has to read, and says…
Robby- No, gentlemen, we have traveled into the past. What you are listening to was known FOX News. I’m afraid you’ll hear much of the same from most of the media.
Stay tuned for our next Episode… Troi Gets it On with a Crescent Wench after Drinking a Sonic Screwdriver (The Doctor appears in a brief cameo while trying to fix another time machine, the NOT SO Tart-us.).