Where Government is Tiny and Everything is Privatized!
SCENE ONE:
“Hello? Pay-As-You-Go Ambulance Service?
“Yes, sir, how can I help you?”
“This is an emergency: My son just hit his head and passed out; he’s bleeding and we can’t revive him – we need medical assistance right away!”
“Yes, sir. Can I have your PAYGA account number?”
“Uh, I don’t have it on me – can’t you send someone while I find the number?”
“Sorry, sir, I can’t dispatch emergency medical assistance until I have your account number.”
“But he’s laying on the floor, his head’s bleeding – this is an emergency!”
“I understand that, sir, but I must have your account number first.”
“Oh, jeez, I can’t find the card in my wallet – Mary, look in the desk drawer for the PAYGA card.”
“I already looked, it’s not in the desk!”
“Sir, we’re very busy with other clients. Why don’t you call me back when you’ve located your account number.”
“But my son is bleeding –“
“I understand that, sir, but I can’t send emergency medical assistance until I have your account number. Please call back when you’ve found your number.”
“But, he’s unconscious and –“
“Thank you for your call, and have a nice day!” (Click.)
SCENE TWO:
“Hello, Blackwater Home Security?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“There’s someone breaking into my house – I just heard them break a window downstairs. Please send someone right away.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll need your six-digit security number and verification password.”
“God, I think they’re coming up the stairs. I’m here by myself and –“
“The quicker I have that information the sooner I’ll be able to send officers to help you.”
“Uh, oh, it’s 911911 and the password – on, no, someone’s in the hallway –“
“We’re almost done, ma’am. Your password, please.”
“Uh, password, uh, let me think – it’s ‘Ronald Reagan.’”
“Very good. Wait just a moment while I process your request.”
“But, can’t you send someone – “
“Just a moment, ma’am.”
(Five minutes later.)
“Ah, I have your account up now, ma’am. We were experiencing some computer problems here, ha, ha.”
“I hear someone ransacking the bedroom! I’m hiding in the bathtub! Please send someone immediately!”
“That’s unfortunate, ma’am, as it seems you haven’t paid last month’s bill yet and your account has been temporarily discontinued.”
“But I sent a check three weeks ago!”
“Not according to our records. When you bring your bill up to date and pay all late charges, I’ll be glad to send some officers out to help you.”
“But, I’m being robbed! My life may be in danger –“
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should have thought of that last month when you let this bill go unpaid. If you have any complaints or questions, call our customer service department any time between 9:00am and 5:00pm on Monday.”
“Monday – are you insane?! This is Saturday and the guy is in my bedr…“
“Goodbye, and thanks for calling Blackwater Home Security!” (Click.)
SCENE THREE:
“Hello, is this Sure-Fire Fast Response Firefighting Company?”
“Yes, sir. How may I help you?”
“My house is on fire. I live at –“
“Just a minute. I have to verify your account information before we go any further. What’s your Sure-Fire PIN number?”
“Uh, oh, it’s 666451.”
“Thank you, sir. According to our records, your account has been cancelled.”
“Cancelled? When was it cancelled?”
“Just yesterday when our liability review panel decided you had filed too many claims this year. You should receive the cancellation notice within five business days.”
“What? There was just that garage fire about ten months ago, and that happened because my neighbor’s house burned down and some of the embers set my garage on fire. That wasn’t my fault.”
“Be that as it may, we had to come out and extinguish the fire in your garage because your neighbor has a different fire responder service and they refused to put out the fire in your garage since you weren’t one of their customers.”
“But his insurance company was supposed to reimburse you for that call.”
“We have that payment recorded, but read your Sure-Fire contract: any customer claiming more than one fire in a 12-month period will be reviewed by the liability panel and possible discontinuation may result. Sorry, sir.”
“But, it’s an emergency — my damn house is burning down!”
“Well, I hope you have good home insurance.”
“But, but –“
“Thanks for calling Sure-Fire – compared to the rest, we’re the best!” (Click.)
You’ve got the right of it.
Guvermint employees such as myself work for far less than our coleagues in the private sector.
In my case i make as little as $5,000 per year less than people on the outside per year.
Times that by a million employee’s,that’ll buy a few franks and beans for the troops.
What Norquist and the rest of the beehive thinktankers hope that no one notices in their bullshit fairie story is the fact that the private sector works on a for profit basis.
How can KBR or Haliburton do my job cheaper than I do? Maybe if the contractors hired illegal immigrants………Oh wait they already do that.
Besides in that Pie in the sky realm that failed in Iraq BTW,How are they gonna divvie up things like say paying for the war on terror?
or my share of the prisoner debt domestically and in say,turkey?
How many potholes belong to me?can i name them them?can i take one home in my pocket?
Why not, i paid for it goddammit?!
Do i just pay for the roads i use or all the roads in my town?Would we have tollbooths at every intersection?
If the police have to come and arrest me do I have to pay for my own detention and prosecution or is that spread across as a fraction over the entire population overall?
If the dogcatcher has to round up my dog is that going to be charged to me?
Lets say a train crashes in my town,do I have to pay for my part of the crossing that was damaged?if so how come I dont get to charge other people and the railroad for using my part?
There will be so many individual bills in the mailbox each month you will need a waste managment company to dispose of just the envelopes.
I am going to have set up a payment plan on my share,after all I’m just a lazy uneducated civil servant.
Maybe i should become a government contractor,Hmmmmmm.
Comment by Rainlander — January 10, 2008 @ 4:36 am
“Hello? Federal Government Ambulance Service?
“Yeah, how can I help you?”
“This is an emergency: My son just hit his head and passed out; he’s bleeding and we can’t revive him – we need medical assistance right away!”
“Okay. Can I have your social security number ?”
“Uh, I don’t have it memorized – can’t you send someone while I find the number?”
“Naw, we don’t do that, I can’t dispatch emergency medical assistance until I have your social security number.”
“But he’s laying on the floor, his head’s bleeding – this is an emergency!”
“I understand that, but I must have your number first and besides our ambulance drivers are on break.”
“Oh, jeez, I can’t find the card in my wallet – Mary, look in the desk drawer for the social security card.”
“I already looked, it’s not in the desk!”
“Hey listen, we’re very busy with paper work. Why don’t you call us back when you’ve located your social security card.”
“But my son is bleeding –“
“I understand that, but we can’t send civil service assistance as I said. Give us a call when you’ve found your number.”
“But, he’s unconscious and –“
“Thank you for your call, and have a nice day!” (Click.)
Comment by grimgold — January 10, 2008 @ 10:55 am
Grim, I have called the ambulance or paramedics four times in my life. No one ever asked for my Social Security number, nor anything but my name, what was wrong, and the address, and they got there quickly and did a good job.
If the Lou Dobbs conservatives get their way on illegal immigration, they likely will ask for your SS but, even then, so what? Everybody knows their Social Security number and they’ll still send help, and you won’t have to deal with the billing department of a private company. It’s called ‘commonwealth’ — government services for the benefit of the community in general — a concept the Founders of this country understood well, but modern neocons confuse with Marxism.
In Chicago, they had to make a law so that the local gas and electric companies couldn’t turn off power during the winter since old people unable to pay their heating bills were literally freezing to death in their homes. Or, perhaps, you figure that’s just the price we have to pay for corporations to practice ‘free trade’ that really isn’t free — a few dead Grand-Popsicles? What if it were your own grandparent who froze to death?
Incidentally, the largest, most expensive bureaucracy in our government is the Defense Department, which protects all Americans regardless of whether they’re rich or poor. While the Pentagon wastes a lot of money on fraud and stupidity, would you want the defense of the country shifted to private contractors? What if a payment on a private contract were late — would we then be vulnerable to attack because a corporation didn’t get paid?
Think that can’t happen? Read yesterday’s news — the telecom companies are refusing to let the FBI listen in on potential terrorists because the government didn’t pay its bills.
Taps Cut Off Because FBI Didn’t Pay Bills
AP/Chicago Sun-Times, Jan. 10, 2008
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/735754,unpaid011008.article
This is known as game, set and match on why certain things are too important to be privatized.
Comment by RS Janes — January 11, 2008 @ 10:30 am