Memo
To: Sen. Barack Obama
From: Karl Rove, Fox News
Dear Sen. Obama:
Although your natural charisma and oratorical skills have served you well thus far, clothing and language will become increasingly important to maintaining your popularity among the young and independent voter in the months ahead. In future debates with Sen. Clinton, it is essential that you show a clear difference between yourself and your opponent, in both your rhetoric and your visual presentation. Let me suggest the following:
1. Soften your stern ‘preacher’ image by altering your style of dress. Americans love a relaxed, confident candidate and they enjoy seeing a man, especially an African-American, at ease with a colorful yet masculine wardrobe. With that in mind, I advise you in the next debate to wear a wide-brimmed hat in bright orange or lime green, perhaps with a large white ostrich feather in the hatband. Tilting the hat at a rakish angle will also increase your appeal among those all-important female voters. Extend this theme to your clothing; a lemon yellow or lipstick pink suit with inch-thick purple stripes and a fur Chesterfield collar above a paisley-patterned shirt unbuttoned to the waist provides that casual look younger voters so appreciate. Adding several layers of gold chains or a large clock around the neck will leave no doubt where ‘the beef’ is, and complete a roguish, devil-may-care image that will be sure to cinch you the nomination!
Then again, perhaps ‘dreaming of your father’ would be in order: A multi-colored Kenyan dashiki overlaid with farmer’s overalls and an Hawaiian lei would help remind voters of your authenticity and your roots; don a turban or red fez and carry a hoe to bring together a look that grabs you by the collar and screams: “Vote for me, I’m the real deal!”
2. Verbal presentation, of course, is also of the utmost importance; the words you choose determine whether you win or lose! My recommendation is that you become more casual in your language as well to facilitate broadening your message of hope and change beyond the college-educated elite. Using more laid-back and affectionate terms such as “Baby cakes” and “Sweet meat” when referring to Sen. Clinton will earn you points for warmth and style with every segment of the voting public. Here are a few examples:
The next time Sen. Clinton brings up Tony Rezko, stare at her with eyes wide open while shaking your head back and forth vigorously and reply, “Oh, baby cakes, that’s COLD, man, COLD!”
Should she pick apart your health care plan, roll your eyes and utter in disgust, “Sweet meat, you ain’t got no idea what the hell you be talkin’ about!”
If her attacks should become too strident or tiresome, a simple “Shut the fuck up, bee-aytch!” will suffice to save the day, as it always does for me at home.
Incidentally, next time you kiss and hug Sen. Clinton on stage, a little ‘tongue lashing’ and a firm pinch on her ‘gluteus maximus’ will enhance your stature as the dashing and romantic Kennedyesque Hero of the Democrat Party.
In closing, I have full confidence that either you or Sen. Clinton will be occupying the Oval Office next year, and I hope I have been of some help here, because that’s my middle name: ‘help.’
Feel free to call on me for advice at any time; my door at Fox News is always open.
Cordially,
Karl
The Tattlesnake – Karl Rove’s Debate Advice to Barack Obama Edition
Memo
To: Sen. Barack Obama
From: Karl Rove, Fox News
Dear Sen. Obama:
Although your natural charisma and oratorical skills have served you well thus far, clothing and language will become increasingly important to maintaining your popularity among the young and independent voter in the months ahead. In future debates with Sen. Clinton, it is essential that you show a clear difference between yourself and your opponent, in both your rhetoric and your visual presentation. Let me suggest the following:
1. Soften your stern ‘preacher’ image by altering your style of dress. Americans love a relaxed, confident candidate and they enjoy seeing a man, especially an African-American, at ease with a colorful yet masculine wardrobe. With that in mind, I advise you in the next debate to wear a wide-brimmed hat in bright orange or lime green, perhaps with a large white ostrich feather in the hatband. Tilting the hat at a rakish angle will also increase your appeal among those all-important female voters. Extend this theme to your clothing; a lemon yellow or lipstick pink suit with inch-thick purple stripes and a fur Chesterfield collar above a paisley-patterned shirt unbuttoned to the waist provides that casual look younger voters so appreciate. Adding several layers of gold chains or a large clock around the neck will leave no doubt where ‘the beef’ is, and complete a roguish, devil-may-care image that will be sure to cinch you the nomination!
Then again, perhaps ‘dreaming of your father’ would be in order: A multi-colored Kenyan dashiki overlaid with farmer’s overalls and an Hawaiian lei would help remind voters of your authenticity and your roots; don a turban or red fez and carry a hoe to bring together a look that grabs you by the collar and screams: “Vote for me, I’m the real deal!”
2. Verbal presentation, of course, is also of the utmost importance; the words you choose determine whether you win or lose! My recommendation is that you become more casual in your language as well to facilitate broadening your message of hope and change beyond the college-educated elite. Using more laid-back and affectionate terms such as “Baby cakes” and “Sweet meat” when referring to Sen. Clinton will earn you points for warmth and style with every segment of the voting public. Here are a few examples:
The next time Sen. Clinton brings up Tony Rezko, stare at her with eyes wide open while shaking your head back and forth vigorously and reply, “Oh, baby cakes, that’s COLD, man, COLD!”
Should she pick apart your health care plan, roll your eyes and utter in disgust, “Sweet meat, you ain’t got no idea what the hell you be talkin’ about!”
If her attacks should become too strident or tiresome, a simple “Shut the fuck up, bee-aytch!” will suffice to save the day, as it always does for me at home.
Incidentally, next time you kiss and hug Sen. Clinton on stage, a little ‘tongue lashing’ and a firm pinch on her ‘gluteus maximus’ will enhance your stature as the dashing and romantic Kennedyesque Hero of the Democrat Party.
In closing, I have full confidence that either you or Sen. Clinton will be occupying the Oval Office next year, and I hope I have been of some help here, because that’s my middle name: ‘help.’
Feel free to call on me for advice at any time; my door at Fox News is always open.
Cordially,
Karl