December 19, 2011
November 20, 2011
March 13, 2011
December 11, 2009
November 30, 2009
The Tattlesnake – The Tiger Woods Rumor Theater Edition
“The Tiger’s Fuzzy Tale”
A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.
ELIN WOODS: “So you’re telling me you haven’t talked to that woman in six months!”
TIGER WOODS: “Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely.”
EW: “You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!”
TW: “Ulp!” [Audible gulp] “Look, I’m getting out of here until you’re more rational. I can’t talk to you when you’re crazy like this.”
[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]
EW: [Enraged] “Don’t you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!”
TW: “What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW's arm with the club.] “OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!”
EW: “You’re not running out on me, you little creep!”
TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] “I’m not running out on you – I’m just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb – how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!”
[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]
TW: [Yelling out the driver's side window] “You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!”
[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]
EW: “Ha, ha – serves you right you steaming pile of crap!” [Mood changes to concern] “Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?”
TW: “My arm isn’t right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I’m okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin’ car!”
EW: “You’d better go to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”
TW: “Wait, wait! Don’t call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first.”
EW: [Skeptical] “Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this.”
November 15, 2009
October 24, 2009
June 27, 2009
The Tattlesnake – Sanford Scandal Lays Bare American Inequality Edition
There’s Justice for the Mark Sanford’s and Then There’s Justice for the Rest of Us
“The vices of the rich and great are mistaken for error; and those of the poor and lowly, for crimes.”
– Lady Marguerite Blessington
The Tattlesnake isn’t quite as forgiving as was Newsweek’s Jonathan Alter on Keith Olbermann’s Countdown June 26. Alter said he felt sorry for Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) and concluded he was a ‘nice guy.’ Sanford’s having an extramarital affair is really none of our business, and even his lying about it, to an extent, is understandable, but there are some other dimensions to the lurid Sanford saga that display a ‘public servant’ who is considerably less than what most would consider a ‘nice guy,’ aside from his towering hypocrisy.
First there was his attempt to deny $700 million in federal financial aid to South Carolina’s schoolchildren and unemployed, merely to score political points with the GOP base with an eye to a 2012 presidential nomination. That doesn’t sound very ‘nice’ to me.
Then there’s the fact that, after all of the soap-opera revelations regarding his affair with a married Argentinean woman, and outrageous lies concerning his whereabouts as he disappeared for seven days, followed by tearful public apologies, he still refuses to resign.
Moreover, he has confessed to violating South Carolina state law prohibiting misuse of public funds and adultery – yet Sanford has not been arrested for either.
Mark Sanford’s Number Two First Lady