BartBlog

December 4, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Was Wrong Edition

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
– Mark Twain

In previous editions of The Tattler, some drunken idiot wrote piffle such as:

“Well, it’s three days after Thanksgiving and Hillary Clinton has still not been named as Obama’s Secretary of State. I just don’t think it’s going to happen.”

Well, it did happen, last Monday, and, I confess, the drunken idiot was staring back at me from the mirror this morning. (I am now hunched into a Basil Fawlty ball, hopping around with my head between my hands in disgust with myself.)

In another edition of The Tattler posted here November 18, 2008, “The Tattlesnake – Big Media Hillary Silly Season in Full Swing Edition,” I hilariously typed:

“Lost in most of their [the Big Media] circuitous gossip is any sort of common-sense analysis: Why would Hillary give up her powerful senate seat, and an excellent chance to be Senate Majority Leader, to serve as a peripatetic foreign service factotum in Obama’s government? The appointment would also proscribe her from criticizing him should things go sour, thereby tainting her bid for the 2012 nomination. Quick, name the last five Secretaries of State before Condi and look at what has happened to them. I think it’s fair to say the energetic Sen. Clinton doesn’t desire to live out her days lounging in academia, playing golf, or filling space on the board of some think tank or corporation, publishing occasional knotted-brow op-ed pieces in The New York Times.”

Those were, I felt, valid questions IF Sen. Clinton wanted to be president some day but, since then, I’ve checked with an Anonymous Source Close to the Obama Camp (just like the Mighty NYT!) and gathered some exclusive background that changes the picture considerably.

First off, my A.S.C.O.C. says Hillary doesn’t desire the presidency any longer. She allegedly feels that 2008 was her best shot and she hates ‘mass-market’ retail campaigning. (Hubby Bill is the political animal who loves that glad-handing stuff.) Although she likes talking to people in small groups, the speaking to large gatherings, the endless traveling, the repeated stump speeches, and the sheer exhaustion of running for president turned the fire in her belly into a bad case of dyspepsia that she never wants to experience again.

Secondly, while she liked the Senate, her ability to work on the issues that most animated her — health care, economic justice and children’s rights — was limited, and she supposedly got The Word: even with her national celebrity, there would be no jumping ahead in line – the junior senator from New York would have to wait her turn to become Majority Leader and that could take decades. (Even NY colleague Chuck Schumer is ahead of her in seniority.) Aside from that, the appointment as SoS relieved her of having to campaign for office again, and she and Obama have actually become friends since the summer and work well together. She’s willing to respect his office and policies, so there should be no conflict there, and she’s a popular figure overseas. Her keen intelligence and ability to quickly process new information are a relief to foreign leaders accustomed to dealing with the Bush-bedazzled Condi Rice.

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November 30, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Post-It Notes From the Underground Edition

Riff, Raff and Other Chaff

“For your information, I would like to ask a question.”
– Samuel Goldwyn

Worried about Obama’s experience as a leader? He just ran an organization for two years that had outlets in all fifty states, took in over $600 million dollars, and successfully completed its goal, against long odds. Compare his performance to the overpaid touts on Wall Street and the dunderheads of the Big Three US auto corporations, begging for bailouts.

Latest Hot Under-the-Door Rumor: Word is, Al Gore is topping Obama’s list of nominees for the next Supreme Court vacancy. This means Big Al could be there every day, within spitting distance of three of the five justices who denied him the presidency in 2000. (Does the irony never stop?) Also supposedly on the short list: University of Chicago Professor Cass Sunstein, US District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor, Georgia SC Chief Justice Leah Ward Sears, fired Bush prosecutor David Iglesias, and Scooter Libby prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.

Speaking of the ‘high’ court, 88-year-old Justice John Paul Stevens is alleged to be aching to retire, as is Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 75, who is in poor health. Antonin Scalia is getting up there at 72, and has no intention of quitting, but his health is said to be questionable. Anthony Kennedy is also 72, but in better shape than Scalia. Obama could name as many as four new SC justices during his term.

MSNBC’s loudmouthed sometime-neocon ‘Morning’ Joe Scarborough has been consistently offending his colleagues, his viewers and his bosses. Plus his ratings are soaking in bilgewater. The ‘Countdown’ is on – how long until NBC management buys out Joe’s contract and packs him on his way? (Stephanie Miller and other able portside replacements wait in the wings.)

Speaking of MSNBC, looks like Chris ‘Tweety Bird’ Matthews is going to bring his Hardballs to Pennsylvania, challenging ancient GOP vampire Arlen ‘Single Silver Bullet’ Specter for his Senate seat in 2010. Although Matthews publicly denies he’s a candidate, it’s said he’s been in close contact in with some of Obama’s team about making the run. I can see the bumper stickers now, “Screamer for Senate 2010.” (Perhaps Chris divined that his career as a TV talker is coming to a close.) So, when is Pat Buchanan tossing his spiked helmet in the ring to become Lord High Chancellor of Germantown, and when will Tucker Carlson be running for Dog Catcher – excuse me, Chief Executive Canine Control Consultant — of Park Avenue?

Don’t waste your time on D.L. Hughley’s Saturday show on CNN, “D.L. Hughley Breaks the News.” The man’s a stand-up comic and good in his element, but this ain’t it. Hughley does his best, but he’s trying to coax laughs and knowing nods out of an audience of what appears to be mostly white undertakers who’ve huffed too much formaldehyde. (I think they pine for the cozy family jokes of Cosby’s Dr. Huxtable.) Well, it’s CNN, after all, where Lou Dobbs is just short of donning Napoleon’s bicorn hat and proclaiming himself Emperor of El Norte; Prince of Mars Dan Senor’s wife Campbell Brown has a job; Larry King calls the likes of Suze ‘Invest in Your 401K!’ Orman a ‘financial expert,’ and they have the odd notion that Sanjay Gupta is a real doctor rather than a Bollywood wannabe. (Say, CNN, Dennis the Miller’s looking for TV work…)

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November 27, 2008

The Tattlesnake – What We Have to Be Thankful For Edition

Aside from our personal and family connections, America has much to be thankful for on this fourth Thursday in November:

1. The Bush Boy will soon be gone. Regardless of all of the dismal forecasts of martial law and suspended elections (and accepting that he still has 54 days left for this kind of mischief), the Reign of Error is nearly over and, as a parting gift, Our Worst President Ever has ruined the neocon movement as a political force; proven Milton Friedman’s untrammeled free trade and Arthur Laffer’s supply-side ‘Trickle Down’ economic theories a bitter joke by implementation; soured the majority of America on the right-wing agenda; lessened the political influence of the Christopublicans; eliminated the chance of any future spawn of the Bush family holding national office for a generation, and nearly destroyed the Republican Party to boot.

2. President Barack Obama – if he does nothing else, just by dint of his election he has changed the way the world sees us, and the way we see ourselves. And it will be refreshing to have a president that we can be proud of for a change, and one who can even complete a full sentence in grammatical English.

3. Big Media influence is waning as ‘Citizen Journalists’ on the Inner Tubes present opinions not found in the corporately-owned mass media. Americans now read more of the foreign press online than ever before, meaning we are gradually becoming less parochial and xenophobic in our knowledge of the world.

4. The GOP might actually nominate Sarah Palin as its presidential nominee in 2012, thereby guaranteeing its decline into a regional, mostly southern, party sure to lose national elections for generations to come. Even short of that, the GOP will be wandering in the wilderness – they have to either go left, and lose part of their base, or stay to the same course and swallow defeat.

5. Karl Rove and his minions are finished as a force in politics, and Rove himself is likely to face indictments up the ying-yang after January 20th. He may be frog-marched in handcuffs yet.

6. Word is, hundreds of federal employees, silenced by fear or fiat during the reign of BushCo, will be blowing the whistle following Obama’s inauguration. Can investigations, indictments and convictions be far behind?

7. Science and the rule of law will be respected once again by our government, and decisions will be made by a president who uses his brain for the job rather than his gut.

This was just a quick list; add your own reasons to be thankful, and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

November 25, 2008

The Tattlesnake — You Might Be a Neocon If… 2008 Update Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 7:04 am

With a hat tip to Jeff Foxworthy, it’s time to play:

You Might Be a Neocon If…

… you believe any of the following: Barack Obama is (a) a socialist; (b) a Muslim; (c) the illegitimate son of Malcolm X; (d) the illegitimate son of Uncle Ben.

… you think Obama was a domestic terrorist who helped Bill Ayers plant bombs in the Pentagon; that he doesn’t have a legal birth certificate proving he’s an American citizen; and that his middle name indicates anything more than sheer coincidence.

… You believe President Obama’s first act will be to make the ‘nation’ of Africa our 51st state and send every resident a free Cadillac.

… you heard Obama was born in Hawaii in 1961 and don’t think it was a state then, thereby making it illegal for him to be president, but are too lazy to look it up before you forward the email.

… you believe Sarah Palin is really intelligent and informed and that the reason most of America thinks otherwise is due to the liberal media and their evil ‘gotcha’ questions.

… you think an unwed teenage girl’s pregnancy is a sign of the moral failings of permissive secular parents and liberalism in general, except for 17-year-old Bristol Palin.

… you believe Sarah Palin is (a) a real feminist; (b) a true populist; (c) a ‘good ole gal just like me!’; (d) winking at you seductively through the TV.

… you think it was fine for the Big Media to criticize every detail of Hillary Clinton’s campaign and excoriate her for her laugh, her clothes, her personal taste, or minor mistakes, yet Katie Couric asking Sarah Palin to name what newspapers and magazines she reads ‘every day’ is an outrageous and out of bounds ‘gotcha’ question.

… you thought John Kerry’s record of military heroism didn’t entitle him to be president, but John McCain’s did.

… you believe that, despite everything, this remains a ‘center-right’ nation.

… you think any of the following windbags are still politically relevant: (a) Rush Limbaugh; (b) Bill O’Reilly; (c) Sean Hannity; (d) Michael Savage; (e) Glenn Beck; (f) John McCain’s brother Joe.

… you actually believe that Big Media corporations are owned by flaming liberals, except Fox News.

… you think Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch is ‘too liberal’ because he once held a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton and employs Alan Colmes.

… you believe any of the following are real-live conservative intellectuals: (a) Bill Kristol; (b) Pat Buchanan; (c) Dinesh D’Souza; (d) Joe the Plumber.

… you think prayer in school is more important than a good education in school.

… you believe that courts should not ‘make law’ but go by a strict interpretation of the Constitution, except in the case of Bush v. Gore, Terry Schiavo, and keeping those designated as ‘terrorists’ by the president in prison without due process.

… you think Swift Boater Jerome Corsi is a great investigative journalist.

… you think Michael Moore is a communist dedicated to overthrowing the country’s health care system and forcing you to go to a government doctor for free.

… you’ve never read anything by Karl Marx other than a quote or two, yet consider yourself an expert on what is Marxist.

… you believe liberals and/or Democrats are all (a) atheists (b) liars (c) commies (d) America-haters (e) arugula eaters (f) always sitting around trying to think up ways to take away your guns.

… you think anyone who disagrees with you is unpatriotic, even if it’s an old woman in a wheelchair yelling at you for parking in the Handicapped space.

… you think Handicapped parking spaces are liberal commie plots to take away our freedoms.

… you believe wearing a flag pin is more important than living up to the Constitutional law of the land.

(more…)

November 23, 2008

The Tattlesnake – The Senate’s Teddy Bear Picnic and Other Maddening Madness Edition

“I don’t have a rearview mirror. I look only forward. And I still see the day when I can remove the cloud that currently surrounds me.”
– Disgraced and defeated Sen. Ted Stevens (R-VECO), on the Senate floor, Nov. 20, 2008. (Perhaps he can bribe it to go away.)

Even in politics, a business known for honking weirdoes and depraved lowlifes, outgoing Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens is Weird with a strut and horns and as crooked as a pig’s tail. Yet there were his Senate colleagues standing and applauding the convicted-on-seven-counts-of-corruption felon last Thursday, proving, I guess, that there is some honor among thieves — or, at least, praise. No wonder the Senate Ethics Office is a toothless farce – what do you have to do to engender the disrespect of these ‘public servants’? (Oh, right, tell the truth.) Utah’s ‘Mr. Republican’ Orrin Hatch, another blazing nutball with a hard nougat center of Petrified Kook, publicly ejaculated without shame that Ted was “one of the greatest men I ever met,” while his colleague from the Planet Strange, Sen. Jim Bunning, GOP marital aid of the KY-Jelly state, spread it on less grammatically: “If only you knew the Ted Stevens like I knew.” Democrat-turned-Wolfman Norm Coleman, verging on a well-deserved term limitation up in Minnesota, bayed to Ted’s moon-that-don’t-shine, “Those of us who know him also see the love that’s in his heart, reflected in love of country, love of family…” unnatural love of sheep. Even I-da-ho Spud Stud Larry Craig felt moved to knock three times on Stevens’ pipe with his own spit polish, so to speak.

Jebas, what if Uncle Ted had shot a man in Memphis just to watch him die? Would the Senate just rise as one to elect him King – or maybe Pope?

It’s too bad that AG Michael Mukasey collapsed suddenly during a speech Thursday night, but what the Big Media didn’t remark on was who Mukasey was speechifying to – the frickin’ Federalist Society, home base for the Unitary Executive malarkey that the departing Little King has used to justify dodging the Constitution. Sure, BushCo is on its way out the door, but you might think that the BM would be a little discomfited at the idea that the Attorney General, dressed up in a tux, was addressing a meeting of a group that basically believes in an American monarchy, much like democracy-distrusting icon Alexander Hamilton, who once encouraged George Washington to declare himself King of the United States. [Take a gander at FedSoc’s founders and current members: Ed ‘The Grand Inquisitor’ Meese, Robert ‘Nixonite’ Bork, Ted ‘Florida Recount’ Olson, John ‘Bob’s Dad’ Roberts, Tony ‘Bush v. Gore’ Scalia and Sam ‘The Sham’ Alito.) For a rough political equivalent, imagine the hew and cry if Obama’s new AG Eric Holder passed out while speaking to the Socialist Worker’s Party — think the venue would go unnoticed by the still-unjailed Press Gang at Newsweek and Time?

She Stoops to (be) Flounder: Remember those stories about a young Danny Quayle seeing the Robert Redford film, “The Candidate” and thinking it was a primer for a career in politics? Now it seems the Alaska Hockey Momster has aimed even lower; she’s apparently using Tim Robbins’ satirical flick, “Bob Roberts” as a roadmap for political success. For more cinematic inspiration to further Sarah’s future in government service, may ‘oui’ suggest “Amazon Women on the Moon,” “Idiocracy,” “The Aristocrats,” “Weird Science,” “Ernest Goes to Jail,” and “Linda Lovelace for President”?

And finally, the Vatican has forgiven John Lennon – imagine that? (Hint: it has to do with something he said in 1966.) I wonder if they’ve caught up with the news that he was murdered in 1980? (Lennon’s lucky; it took the Pope about 400 years to forgive Galileo for finding out the earth is round and circles the sun.)

(Quotes re Stevens from “We Salute You, Ted Stevens!” by Benjamin Sarlin, The Daily Beast, Nov. 20, 2008.)

November 20, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Chickenhawk Squawk and Other Battle-Tattle Edition

WHY DID THE CHICKENHAWK CROSS THE ROAD?

You know those “Why did the chicken cross the road” jokes? Well, here are some with a slight twist. If you weren’t sick of them before, you will be now…

George W. Bush: To stay ahead of that Dan Rather lawsuit.

Dick Cheney: To get to Dubai before anybody else indicts him.

Karl Rove: Don’t interpret that chicken crossing that road as anything other than the eventual fulfillment of my subtle master plan for a permanent Republican majority!

Ed Rollins: Nixon’s chickens crossed that road while Rove was still not screwing cheerleaders.

Alberto Gonzales: I just don’t know anything. I was never informed of anything having to do with chickens or roads and, if I was at any time, I don’t remember it. That’s all I can say until my best-selling book comes out next year.

Clarence Thomas: Ask Scal or Alito about that; I’m heading out to lunch at Long John Silver’s today, and I might have a – ha, ha — Coke with my stuffed clams.

David Frum: To run screaming from Rich Lowry’s lurid masturbatory fantasies.

Norm Coleman: To avoid a legal state-mandated recount.

Ann Coulter: Quite obviously to stock up on vodka and gin for the next four years.

Michelle Malkin: To escape Obama’s secret plan to enslave America in a future of hope and change for the better!

Sarah Palin: To, ya know, get on over there and work on that other side of the pipeline with them bipartisan public servants like myself for the people’s business on that good health care and tax cuts and jobs ’cause that’s what they want us to do and see if God has any doors open for ya over there on that other side there for me to just plow right through there, ya know, even if I don’t drink, and even if it’s only cracked open a little teensy bit, and it’s not my fault the great war hero John McCain lost, unless it is, and then I’m sorry, ya know, but it’s not.

Saxby Chambliss: To see how low he can go.

Henry Paulson: Just give the chicken the $700 billion to take across the road with no questions asked.

Matt Drudge: Because no one takes him seriously on his own side of the road anymore.

Pat Buchanan: If Britain had just left Hitler alone after he crossed the road into Poland in 1939, there wouldn’t have been any World War II!

Newt Gingrich: To make sure the other side of the road wasn’t full of gay and secular fascists trying to take over the nation!

Lou Dobbs: That’s a Mexican chicken crossing that road to steal the eggs of an American chicken! My viewer poll says 97 percent are against Mexican chickens taking the eggs of patriotic American chickens! Why doesn’t Washington make policy exclusively based on the opinions of the people who watch my show?!

Rush Limbaugh: Dumb-ass liberal socialist Obama-loving chicken. If he were a smart conservative talk-show host chicken, he would have sent his maid across the road in his place.

Sean Hannity: I’ll only answer this question if the chicken was crossing from the left to the right side of the road.

Glenn Beck: He crossed the road and now nobody pays any attention to him on the other side; he’s lost in the shuffle.

Bill O’Reilly: Roger, is it time for a War on Chickens or a War on Roads?

Roger Ailes: Stop bothering me with dumb questions, O’Reilly. Just check your fax machine for your talking points, as usual.

Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby: To get a full pardon from Bush come January.

David Addington: Whatever the president wants to do with that chicken or that road is entirely within his constitutional powers in time of war, and I’ll ruin you if you dare disagree with me.

John Yoo: I had no idea when I wrote those memos that actual chickens might be tortured.

Samuel Joseph ‘Joe the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher: To buy a business for $250,000 that I still can’t afford on the chicken feed my 15 minutes of fame nets.

DITZWATCH

“My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.”
Gov. Sarah Palin, in her best former beauty pageant contestant form.

FINAL FUNNY

“There’s no such thing as same sex marriage.
After marriage, sex is NEVER the same…”
– Phil’s Phunny Phacts, from Phil Proctor’s Planet Proctor, 2008-22, Nov. 19, 2008.

November 18, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Big Media Hillary Silly Season in Full Swing Edition

Secretary of State Clinton? Much A Doo-Doo About Nothing

If it hasn’t been foreclosed on yet, don’t bet the family ranch that Hillary Clinton will be the next Secretary of State, nor even have a cabinet post in the Obama Administration.

With the long, slow political-junkie orgasm of the presidential campaign fading in the rearview mirror, the ‘Pundints’ now have little to talk about; certainly they don’t find the baffling Bush Boy’s latest incoherence on the economy – “I continue to support the neocon free market policies that caused this horrible financial meltdown!” – worth examining – to do so might remind the audience of how much the Big Media Cognoscenti had to do with leading the lemmings off the cliff; the Palin Reality TV show – “Who Wants to Be a President!” also has its limits – how long before even avid dupes of Little Debbie Shortcake begin wondering why she hauls that baby around to every public appearance and detect that her political ideas are mostly an ungrammatical noun, an opportunistic verb, ‘Nothing’s my fault,’ ‘You betcha!’ and ‘God’s gonna show me the door’?

Even the three undetermined US Senate races don’t hold the BM Short Attention Span long – the vituperation back and forth is good for a brief goose, but those complicated state voting laws! The crashing economy was respectable breathless stand-up fodder for a while – “Melanie Blandstick, reporting from Wall Street, Ground Zero of our money crisis!” – but the pampered Lads and Lasses of the Golden Corporate Microphone are not employed for their intimate knowledge of the financial markets, nor much else, and there are only so many interviews you can do with ill-kempt and boring hustlers from the Heritage Foundation or the American Enterprise Institute, still pushing Milt Friedman’s Cap’n Capitalist Crunch cereal after the product has poisoned the country, and who’s Ayn Rand anyhow – wasn’t she the wife in “Father Knows Best”? Iraq? Afghanistan? Iran? Whoa, dude, you’re bumming my trip!

So, of course, with little they consider ‘real news’ going on, they retreat into their favorite past time – endless speculation based on sketchy evidence, as shouted through a megaphone in the Grand Canyon to insure every Big Media Mouthpiece is regurgitating the same dull incantations.

The latest prime example of this is NBC’s Andrea “Mrs. Greenspan” Mitchell floating an anonymously-sourced story last week that Obama would offer the position of Secretary of State to Hillary Clinton, when the only thing that has thus far been confirmed was that Hillary flew to Chicago for a meeting with the President-Elect. For days since, the Punditrocracy has been foaming at the mouth, leaving no entrails unturned in their white-hot desire to tiresomely discuss to death the possibility of Hillary as the top national diplomat.

Using the same superior detective skills that in the past led them to deduce that the 2008 election would be about national security; that Republicans just loved Rudy Giuliani, that McCain would inevitably pick either Mitt Romney or Tim Pawlenty as his running mate; that Obama had to choose Hillary Clinton as his Veep or lose the election; that American women would mindlessly flock to the GOP after Sarah Palin’s unveiling; that Obama would have a tough time attracting working class voters in Rust Belt states; and that the Dem presidential ticket would, maybe, possibly, eke out a tiny victory in the Electoral College in a very tight race because, after all, this was basically a conservative nation – in spite of this dismal record of comic prognostication, they forge ahead, this time with the latest vapid gasper of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State.

Lost in most of their circuitous gossip is any sort of common-sense analysis: Why would Hillary give up her powerful senate seat, and an excellent chance to be Senate Majority Leader, to serve as a peripatetic foreign service factotum in Obama’s government? The appointment would also proscribe her from criticizing him should things go sour, thereby tainting her bid for the 2012 nomination. Quick, name the last five Secretaries of State before Condi and look at what has happened to them. I think it’s fair to say the energetic Sen. Clinton doesn’t desire to live out her days lounging in academia, playing golf, or filling space on the board of some think tank or corporation, publishing occasional knotted-brow op-ed pieces in The New York Times.

(more…)

November 15, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Miller Shills for the Wasilla Chinchilla on Billo and Other Atrocities Edition

Plus a Weird Election 2008 Factoid and a Plea to the GOP

“In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.”
– H.L. Mencken

Gov. Snowjob said on Larry King Nov. 12th that there is nothing wrong with “calling people out” on their past associations, defending her lame McCarthyite attempts to link Obama to Bill Ayers and the Weather Underground. She added that she expected she would be called out on hers as well. Good. Let’s see, she’s openly palled around with and supported for reelection convicted felon Sen. Ted Stevens, corrupt ex-Governor of Alaska Frank Murkowski, and she’s married to a former member of the Alaska Independence Party, a group that despises and wants to secede from the United States. Imagine if Obama had strongly supported two crooks and his wife once belonged to an organization that hated America? C’mon, Big Media, time to apply some fairness here, and Sarah asked for it.

Speaking of Sarah the Terror: Miller and Palin, Sittin’ in a Tree:

“Listen, she’s a great dame. People are fascinated by her because the left hate her. I think the left hate her — mostly women on the left hate her, because to me, from outside in, it appears that she has a great sex life. All right? I think she has non-neurotic sex with that Todd Palin guy. I think most of the women on the Upper East Side, their husbands haven’t been aroused since Mailer signed copy [sic] of The Executioner’s Song at Rizzoli’s back in the early ’70s.
“So they look at her, and they hate her. I think that snowmobile looks like mechanized foreplay to me, and that’s why people are fascinated by it.”

Dennis Miller on “The O’Reilly Factor,” Fox News, Nov. 12, 2008.

I remember when Dennis had a functioning frontal lobe and was even occasionally clever, but years of drinking, drugs, chickenhawk fear, raging ego and his wiseguy notion that he’d just jump on the money train of what he thought would be generations of Republican rule softened his gray matter to the point where he’s defending a vacuous Alaska opportunist he once would have gleefully impaled with humor. BTW, I wonder what ‘non-neurotic sex’ is — the Moose Mama ‘Missionary Position’ (that would be a ‘rear mount’) or the opposite of whatever you call it when Miller picks up his paycheck these days?

My sympathies to the frustrated Mrs. Miller, if she’s still around – married to a goofball who thinks snowmobiles equate with foreplay can’t be a pleasant existence.

It’s was so bad even Billo took note of what had surfaced in his ‘No Spin Zone’ punchbowl:

(more…)

November 13, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Obama Meets Junior in the White House Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 8:02 pm

Obama meets with Bush at White House
– MSNBC headline.

That was the headline last Monday, but few details of their private conversation in the Oval Office have leaked out, leaving a vacuum for the Tattlehead to fill with imaginary dialogue.

JUNIOR: “Well, now that we got that photo-op thingy done with, let’s have ourselves a sit down.”

OBAMA: “Good idea, Mr. President. I’d like to discuss the economy…”

JUNIOR: “Whoa! Let me straighten yuh out on two things here right fast: First of all, since you’re gonna be a president, too, it’s okay, you can call me ‘Dubya’ and I’ll call yuh, uhhh… ‘O-Man,’ okay?”

OBAMA: “Uh, sure, that’s fine…Dubya.”

JUNIOR: “Good. Now the second part there about the economy – see, I’m the decider, but I’m not the policymakin’ guy. You gotta talk to Baldy – I mean Treasury Secretary Paulson – or maybe that Ben Bohunk guy over at the Fed about the economic policy and whatnot. I just make the decisions around here.”

OBAMA: “Uh huh, I see, domestic issues aren’t your forte. Well, then, let’s talk about the situation in the Middle East.”

JUNIOR: “Heh, heh, negatory there, O-Man. Now that would be Old Sourpuss’s – I mean Vice President Cheney’s – department or one of the boys over to his office. See, when you’re president they just bring you stuff to sign and you ask ‘em, ‘Is this a good idea?’ and they tell you ‘Yup’ and then you sign it. Believe me, you’ll sleep easy that way, knowin’ you didn’t come up with no failin’ policy like that Iraq disaster – Cheney really screwed the pooch on that one, heh, heh. See, all a this crap’s complicated as hell an’ if you get bogged down in every detail, you won’t have time for nothin’ else.”

OBAMA: “I see. And that would probably apply to every other domestic or foreign policy question I might have as well, right?”

JUNIOR: “Bingo! Ask muh secretary an’ she’ll set yuh up with all the right folks to see if yuh wanta talk about all that borin’ stuff!”

OBAMA: “Well, Dubya, let’s talk about something else — what would you like to talk about?”

JUNIOR: “Well, I just got myself a new video golf game and Laura bought me this here fancy new Risk game. Heh, heh, lookit them little plastic soldiers and airplanes! You play Risk, O-Man?”

OBAMA: “Yes. In college.”

JUNIOR: “Sure is good preparation for the presidency, huh? You wanna play a game?”

OBAMA: “Don’t you think it might look a little unseemly – the president and the president-elect playing Risk in the Oval Office in a time of national economic crisis?”

JUNIOR: “What the hell do I care how it looks – I’m outta here in two months!”

OBAMA: “But, uh, there are only the two of us. How can you play two-man Risk?”

JUNIOR: “Ah, hell, most of the time I play with myself.”

OBAMA: “You mean you play Risk by yourself?”

(more…)

November 11, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Dirty Dozen Political Quiz Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 7:10 am

Think you were paying attention during the long 2008 election campaign? Grab a pen and paper and take the test below (and no cheating with the Google):

1. Hillary Clinton used it and lost. John McCain used it and lost. What was it?

2. Did John McCain actually have any casual, free-for-all talks with reporters on his ‘Straight Talk’ campaign jet as he did on his bus?

3. Obama confessed during the campaign to loving two white women in his life. Who were they?

4. According to news reports, what was McCain’s favorite breakfast?

5. Who said “there is absolutely no diva in me”?

a. Hillary Clinton
b. Sarah Palin
c. Michelle Obama
d. Cindy McCain

6. After Obama’s landslide, which famous former broadcast network anchorman continued to declare this was a ‘center-right’ country?

7. Which McCain campaign aide told the media that they wouldn’t be allowed to interview Sarah Palin unless they were properly respectful?

8. What special award did Sarah Palin win at the Miss Alaska beauty contest?

9. What did Obama promise his two daughters he’d do if he became president?

10. From the items below, pick one that wasn’t an issue for Sarah Palin in the 2008 campaign:

a. Misusing her state expense account.
b. Abusing her power in attempting to fire a state trooper.
c. Overspending her McCain campaign clothing allowance.
d. Visiting a remote Aleutian island to ‘see Russia.’
e. Her involvement with the secessionist Alaska Independence Party.
f. Insulting members of the Alaska legislature on a radio show.
g. The crazy pastor at her Wasilla church.
h. Her close friendship with corrupt Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens.
i. The ‘Bridge to Nowhere’ that she accepted federal money to build.
j. Campaigning for the Reform Party presidential candidate in the 2000 election.

11. Was Sarah Palin ever asked by the media what the initials NAFTA stood for, or to name any countries in Africa?

12. Who said in April 2008: “I’m as healthy as the economy”?

a. John McCain
b. George W. Bush
c. Henry Paulson
d. Joe Biden
e. Alan Greenspan
f. Rush Limbaugh

Answers below the fold.

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November 9, 2008

The Tattlesnake – More Zippity-Doo-Dah From the Fading Right Edition

In the anguished ‘why we lost’ analyses in the days to come from the Fox News-Karl Rove-Bill Kristol neocons and their compadres in the Big Media, still discombobulated over Obama’s landslide victory in what they think is a ‘center-right’ conservative nation – the ‘liberal socialist’ Obama of November 3rd even magically transforming into a ‘fiscal conservative’ 24 hours later to preserve this incredible myth — you’ll read much about how the economic meltdown in late September killed McCain’s chances after he had pulled even or ahead in the polls. Horse pucky. McCain and Palin’s sour performance in the debates, the GOP’s over-the-top negative ads, a miserably run campaign, Palin’s exposure as an ignorant nitwit, plus the general public disgust with the Bush Republican Party had as much to do with his loss as the financial crisis. Also underestimated are Obama’s superior organization, discipline, massive GOTV efforts in most of the fifty states, and that the country, already centrist-liberal except in name, has been trending more to the left for many years.

McCain got an expected uptick in the poll numbers following the Republican Convention, which is commonplace after any major party convention, but he was receding even before the banks and markets hit bottom in late September. In fact, except for McCain’s brief post-convention bounce, the individual poll margins had remained consistent since summer with Obama in the lead, as this chart shows:

CNN 6/26-6/29: Obama 50%, McCain 45%
CNN 7/27-7/29: Obama 51%, McCain 44%

CBS 7/7/-7/14: Obama 45%, McCain 39%
CBS 7/31-8/5: Obama 45%, McCain 39%

Ipsos 6/5-6/11: Obama 50%, McCain 43%
Ipsos 7/31-8/4: Obama 48%, McCain 42%

Time 6/19-6/25: Obama 47%, McCain 43%
Time 7/31-8/4: Obama 46%, McCain 41%

Pew 6/18-6/29: Obama 48%, McCain 40%
Pew 7/23-7/27: Obama 47%, McCain 42%

NBC/Wall Street Journal 6/6-6/9: Obama 47%, McCain 41%
NBC/Wall Street Journal 7/18-7/21: Obama 47%, McCain 41%

(Hat tip to Rich Gallagher of Fishkill, NY, who compiled and posted these numbers at Altercation, Aug. 8, 2008.)

Obama-Biden popular vote percentage: 52.3%

McCain-Palin popular vote percentage: 46.2%

Obama-Biden electoral vote total: 365

McCain-Palin electoral vote total: 173

(Final numbers from FiveThirtyEight.com.)

November 7, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Some Suggestions for Obama Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , — RS Janes @ 7:46 pm

There has been some leftward carping about President Obama’s pick of Rahm Emanuel as his Chief of Staff, but it’s what was required, unless he wanted to play out his first one hundred days in office as another Jimmy Carter. (Carter had his ‘Georgia Mafia’ with him when he came to office and they had to learn the wicked ways of Washington. By the time they did, Carter was ending his first term.) Emanuel, for all of his manifold faults, is good at playing the ‘enforcer’ and knows Congress inside out – he’ll use strong-arm tactics when necessary to push through legislation, and that’s just what Obama needs.

At any rate, here are some suggestions to fill out President Obama’s cabinet, although I’m not delusional enough to think most of them will become reality:

Attorney General: David Iglesias. He’s a Republican, but an honest man who refused to prosecute cases for political reasons, even after pressure from heavy-hitters like New Mexico’s Sen. Pete Domenici and Rep. Heather Wilson; that sort of integrity alone should qualify him for this job, but he’s also a good lawyer and his appointment would demonstrate a real change of direction for the tattered Justice Department. If not him, how about California prosecutor Carol Lam who was also one of the eight Republican federal attorneys fired for not toeing the line for Karl Rove? Short of that, John Dean is out there, tested, rested and able.

Secretary of State: Bill Richardson is the obvious choice, and on Obama’s short list, but he may not want to give up New Mexico’s governorship. How about a surprise pick – Valerie Plame’s husband and former ambassador Joe Wilson?

Secretary of Defense: Reaching across the aisle, how about Colin Powell? Yep, we’ll have to forgive his despicable performance at the UN and some other unsavory acts he indulged in out of fealty to the Bush clan, but he does know, and is respected by, the military and he was, initially, against the Iraq debacle. Aside from that, it will reassure older brass that Obama can be trusted. If not Powell, ex-Gen. Wesley Clark is looking for work.

Secretary of the Treasury: Either Paul Krugman or Dean Baker since they are both economists who clearly foresaw the current fiscal meltdown, but that probably won’t happen. Clinton retread Robert Reich has been mentioned, and he wouldn’t be bad at all. Obama campaign economic advisor Austan Goolsbee also wouldn’t foul the nest. (Please, no more Paul Volcker’s or Robert Rubin’s.)

Secretary of Labor: Barbara Ehrenreich. (I know, I know, she won’t be asked and probably wouldn’t do it if she were, but she is more of an expert on the subject than the Inside-the-Beltway desk jockeys usually named to this post.)

Secretary of Health and Human Services: Eleanor Holmes Norton. The DC Delegate to Congress has spent most of her adult life working on these issues and she’d be a tireless advocate for the people, for a real change.

Secretary of Homeland Security: Richard Clarke. The former White House Counter-Terrorism chief who was ignored by the Bushites before 9/11 knows his business, he’s competent to do the job and he respects the Constitution.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs: Max Cleland is the obvious choice, in an upgraded department. He headed up the VA under Carter and intimately knows what vets returning from combat are going through – he was once one himself.

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November 6, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Tying Up Loose Ends Edition

As your Tattler tries to absorb and process through his thickened skull the startling and emotional events of Election Day, and the elevation of an intelligent, articulate and capable man to the presidency by a landslide – something he hoped for but can still barely believe occurred in Junior Bush’s America For Dummies – it seems prudent to turn to lesser trivia while the brain pan simmers.

Laugh-a-Bull Uno: The ambitious yet intellectually deprived Sarah Palin thinks she has a political future. Note to the Pundits mulling this fast melting ice cube: Alaskans are taking a second, more skeptical, look at their Gov, and she is in for several investigations and probable indictments Way Up North for padding her state expense accounts and Troopergate. (No, that hasn’t gone away.) Until recently, she was attached-at-the-hip to convicted felon Sen. Ted Stevens as well, and that connection may soon sprout legs as she was a strong supporter of the Corrupt Old Codpiece and nobody believes she paid for construction work on her own house. (Plus she’s made plenty of enemies from both parties in her home state.) Also, McCain’s campaign staff, blaming her for Mac’s massive drubbing, are about to begin talking on the record; already we’ve read that this Consignment Shop Maverick spent tens of thousands more than initially reported on fancy new duds for her and her family of grasping ‘Wasilla Hillbillies,’ and that Governor Whack Job was something of a pain-in-the-patoot to handle – bringing up Bill Ayers without the official McCain go-ahead and such. The raw reality is the GOP is going to have to change stripes in this new age or be ‘left behind’ to ponder the Rapture as a permanent minority party. Keener classic-conservative intellects among the Republicos realize this, and Palin’s winky-dink Christopublican ‘You betcha’ hokum is not part of their plans. The secular Goldwaterites were willing to tolerate the risible Jesus-of-Betty-Bowers freaks as long as the party was winning, but now it’s been humiliatingly buried under a pile of blue votes, and they’re pinning the tail on Moose-Huntin’ Mom and her extremist ilk for scaring off centrist voters. Milder theocrats such as Mike Huckabee will carry on, if they tone down the creepy ecumenical hellfire, but the Armageddon-minded Palinolithics will be purged, even if the GOP has to lose a couple of elections. Sarah will likely run for reelection as governor of the National Ice Box again, get tromped, and retire to dictate her memoirs that will have a hard time finding a publisher. Either that or she’ll get her own reality show on Bravo – “Life with the Palins” – a mixture of “Hee Haw,” “Queen For a Day” and “The Osbournes” that will go off the air after 13 episodes. (It’s also been rumored that, what with her photogenic face and advanced skill at reading teleprompters, Palin would be a good fit as a game show host – how about something like “Here’s Your Boot and Pour” as a vehicle for her talents?) In two years, the answer to “Remember Sarah Palin?” will be “Who?”

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November 3, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Final Election Prediction Edition

Note: The figure following the state name indicates its number of electoral votes.

First off, let’s stipulate that McCain-Palin should carry Idaho (4), Kansas (6), Nebraska (5), Oklahoma (7), South Carolina (8), South Dakota (3), Tennessee (11), Utah (5), West Virginia (5) and Wyoming (3) for a total of 49 electoral votes.

Obama-Biden should win Delaware (3), Hawaii (4), Illinois (21), Maine (4), Maryland (10), Massachusetts (12), New Jersey (15), New York (31), Rhode Island (4), Vermont (3), Washington D.C. (3) for a total of 110 electoral votes.

Here’s a breakdown of the remaining states:

Alabama (9): McCain. In the tank for McPalin, but some Congressional districts could switch to the D column.

Alaska (3): McCain, barely. Palin’s stomping ground will probably tip to McCain, but GOP Sen. Ted Stevens and Rep. Don Young will be on the outs.

Arizona (10): Obama by a fingertip. Amazingly, Obama is only one point behind on McCain’s home turf and surging. A quarter of the state’s population are people who have arrived since McCain last ran for office in 2004, and most aren’t voting Republican. I’m giving this one to Obama in the upset of the night.

Arkansas (6): McCain. It’s something in the water down there, which will soon be owned by billionaire T. Boone Pickens, if they aren’t careful.

California (55): Obama. Gov. Musclehead notwithstanding, this is a state as deep indigo as a new pair of blue jeans; the only question is if Obama wins by more than a 20-point margin. Look for some GOP congress-critters to bite the dust, including David Dreier, Mary Bono and Satan’s Apprentice Darrell Issa.

Colorado (9): Obama. The home of the USAF Academy and countless right-wing evangelical churches, also features a large contingent of retired celebrities, progressive libs, Rocky Mountain high guys, and Hispanics. The state’s been trending cerulean; this year it will go the whole route.

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November 2, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Obama’s Not Black Anymore Edition

In my informal surveys of John and Jane Q. Public-Sixpack over the years (and usually conducted near a six-pack), I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon – the more well-known and admired a black person is, the less black they become in the mind of the average honky mo-fo.

Denzel Washington, Halle Berry, Sidney Poitier, Bill Cosby, et al – their skin color faded to neutral as their popularity with whites increased. Oprah Winfrey’s audience is comprised mainly of white women – do they think of her as black? No, she’s just ‘Oprah,’ girlfriend. Caucasian-Americans have embraced Michael Jordan, William “The Refrigerator” Perry, and scores of black sports stars as one of their own without regard to skin shade – what white sports nut wouldn’t rather hang out with Jordan than some mediocre ofay B-Ball player? And the Super Bowl a couple of years ago between the Chicago Bears and Indianapolis Colts was played by teams with black head coaches. No big whup.

In the music world, Ray Charles, Chuck Berry, James Brown, B.B. King, Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix and others have all transcended race and now have more white fans than black. The pop music of every generation since the beginning of the 20th century, true American music – blues, jazz, soul, rock, and even much of country – all originated with black musicians in the South. Generations of white children have been conceived to the colorless ballads of Barry White, Lionel Ritchie and Isaac Hayes.

Let me put it this way, Barack Obama has been part of the national public consciousness for about two years now and he’s generally perceived by white America as an affable, intelligent, calm, non-threatening man, and he’s world famous, so his color has become immaterial.

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November 1, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Electoral Enigmas and Other Wacky Weirdness Edition

Laugh-a-bull: McCain’s top pollster Bill McInturff appeared on MSNBC with Chuck “Not Related to Crazy Ashley” Todd on Halloween. To put it politely, McInturff was pissing up a rope trying to sell some bizarre notion that this election is somehow similar to 1984 and 1996 and is tightening up to the point that McPalin can pull off a win. Hell-o, Bill – both those years featured a popular incumbent peacetime president and an economy that wasn’t crashing to the ground and taking a devastated middle class with it. He also blabbered on inanely about armies of older, rural white voters crawling to the polls to catapult Wrinkles and the Winker into the Oval Office. This is big-box absurd – the majority of Americans, some 80 percent, live in or near a city – there aren’t enough rural voters, even if every single one voted for Mac and Cheesy, to elect him as president. Todd can be commended for keeping a straight face during McInturff’s lunatic raving, no doubt designed to buck up the flagging morale of the depressed Republican base. (Hey, Bill, poll this: Obama’s a point behind McCain in his home state of Arizona four days before the election.)

Laugh-a-bull Two: What if the polls showed Bush the Junior suddenly popular with independent and undecided voters? McCain would be rushing to the nearest microphone, “My friends, I’d like to remind you that I voted with President Bush 92 percent of the time and Governor Palin and I embrace all of his wonderful policies! Why, I’m just like him!” with the High-Heeled Sneaker nodding in agreement, “Oh, you betcha! President Bush is the original maverick all right!”

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