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March 5, 2009

Tough Assignment

Filed under: Guest Comment — Tags: , , , — Bob Patterson @ 10:16 pm

[Note: portions of this column have been fictionalize so that the Personnel Department would have an excuse to lay off the fact checker.]

The Chief (for you non-journalists, that’s what we pros call the editor) invited me for a bit of balcony time and, before sitting donw, I took a look at the magnificent view from this high up and thought about the figure of speech about “walking the plank.”

“What’s up?,” I asked.

“Your columns haven’t been very funny lately,” he snarled (all editors snarl even when they are having a tender moment with their wife).

I hesitated.

“Come on, hurry up, give me an explanation fast. I have stuff to do,” he snapped.

“The country is in a war which is an eight year old search for WMD’s that do not now exist – nor have they ever existed, for that matter – the country is full of empty houses while the streets are full of homeless people asking for spare change, GM is also panhandling in a corporate sort of way, the stock market is singing the old Chubby Checker song that asks: ‘How low can you go?,’ a girl at the Berkeley Bowl asked for a donation to the San Francisco Homeless Services Coalition, but I had to promise a plug in my next column rather than a donation, and I’m supposed to make things seem funny?”

“That’s your assignment. You seem to understand what you gotta do, so what’s the problem? You’re whining and sound like that old routine done by Eddie Lawrence”

“Well, I, um, . . .”

“Come on spit it out, whazamatta you?” he grumbles

“Well, I don’t think there’s much I can say in a column to give folks a good chuckle when the Prez is going to take troops out of a stalemate and move them to a fight in a country that has never been conquered.” I responded.

“So what’s the problem?” he snorts.

“Well, only Rush and a few dittoheads will think what’s happening to the country is funny,” I say.

“So write about something else, dummy.” he huffs.

With that he dismisses me with the advice: “I expect a wonderfully funny column to be posted by the morning of Friday, March 6, 2009. You choose: either you do that or I’ll have Ilse (she-wolf of the accounting department) prepare a buy-out package for you?”

So I warmed up the computer and started writing.

A man and a dag walk into a bar. The man takes several $10 bets that the dog can talk. He bets ten guys and then puts the dog on top of the bar and asks him about his favorite radio program, Rush Limbaugh’s morning diatribe. The dog says nothing. The bettors grow restless. The guy begs the dog. Nothing.
The people demand their money. He screams, yells, cajoles, and pleads for one good simple declarative sentence. The dog barks and the guy has to pay up.

They leave the bar and the guy throws a tantrum. He ends by asking: “Can you give me one good reason not to beat the snot out of you?”

The dog takes a deep breath and smiles: “Can you imagine how much money we are going to make in that bar tomorrow night?”

Can you read this column and not think of the W. C. Fields quote: “Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can’t be All Bad.”

Now the disk jockey will introduce the younger readers to and remind the old folks of just how good “The Old Philosopher,” done by Eddie Lawrence, was. It’s time for us to take the dog for a walk. Have a laugh filled week.

Willing to Watch Them Die Off for Tax Cuts

gop-looking-out

The Tattlesnake – GOP Shrinks Into a Cult Edition

The CPAC-Right Left Behind as America ‘Moves On’

“The country’s conservative, Republican-dominated strongholds have shrunk to the Deep South, the Plains and talk radio. […]
“This is the first time since the aftermath of Watergate that conservatives have known what it is like to be so completely out of power, out-funded, out-organized and arguably irrelevant to national governance.”

– Joel Achenbach, “The Conservatives’ ‘Cleansing’ Moment,” Washington Post, March 1, 2009.

It’s said when it rains it pours and what’s currently happening to the ultra right-wing remnants who still call themselves conservative Republicans is no trickle-down sprinkle – they have put themselves in the path of monsoon season, apparently trying to hasten their status as a fringe political cult akin to the People’s Temple or the Moonies.

The new Know-Nothing Party, assembled in Washington for the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) Conference last weekend, proved both its penchant for blockheaded obliviousness and rare talent for unintended hilarity by honoring as ‘conservative intellectuals’ (that whirring sound you hear is William F. Buckley and Barry Goldwater spinning in their graves) a nerdy little wimp, a has-been simp and a bloviating blimp, also known as, respectively if not respectfully, 13-year-old annoyance Jonathan Krohn; long over-The-Hill GOP retread Newt Gingrich and, of course, the Master of Disaster, the rotund right-wing radio bleater Rush Limbaugh.

While adorable future drug addict Krohn studiously and without irony recited to appreciative hoots and ringing applause the common themes tilled up by most of the CPAC speakers – conservatives stand for respecting the Constitution; respecting life, (at least the unborn kind as opposed to that in uniform or in jail); less government; personal responsibility, and protecting the freedoms and rights of the people – neither he nor his big brothers Newtie and Rush bothered with a brief history lesson of America under conservative Republican rule. Not surprising, since it pulls out the rug from beneath their empty claims. For example:

(more…)

Stimulus Plans

Filed under: Toon — Peregrin @ 2:12 am

Look out, boys!

At long last, Rush, have you no decency?

Filed under: Guest Comment — Tags: , , — Bob Patterson @ 1:02 am

Bill O’Reilly told his radio audience that his mission was to point out errors committed by pin-heads in the media. After we ran columns about meeting an Australian woman who had worked on a war crimes trial connected to WWII and said that Bush qualified as a war criminal and, after looking up what was said about war crimes at Nuremberg, we noted that President Bush might merit some serious consideration for inclusion in a war crimes trial. Then we specifically invited Senior O’Reilly to honor his commitment to scrutinize our performance as his audience’s proxy and point out any errors. He didn’t challenge us and his “no spin zone” radio show went off the air last week. That settles that.

[Isn't it a sorry state of affairs when the self-proclaimed "World's Laziest Journalist" has (with those two on-line columns) done more to assert and establish that President Bush committed war crimes than (to the best of my knowledge and Google search ability) any writer for any of the major daily newspapers? It's better than no one saying anything but it looks very pathetic to citizens in other countries.]

Should we turn our attention to El Rushbo next, or should we first ask how can we get an invitation to come on Dennis Miller’s radio program so that we can compare him with Robert Brasillach? Of course he might not be too eager to be compared to the man who was executed for collaborating with the Germans during their occupation of Paris and environs.

We’d like to hear Dennis Miller’s opinion of just how contagious Bush’s circle of criminal contamination extends and who merits legal redress at a war crimes trial.

Miller’s trying-so-hard-to-be-hip style of unquestioning allegiance to the President reminds us, when we listen to him, of Robert Brasillach who was also very enthusiastic about one particular political ideology.

All during the Bush era we couldn’t square the journalists’ self-proclaimed image as Edward R. Murrow clones while they all, with the notable exception of Keith Olbermann, acted as if they were the personification of the cowardly lion. Was there one other rebel in the mainstream media whose modus operandi wasn’t: “ya gotta go along to get along!”?

Now that Bush is gone it would be relatively easy for nationally known journalists to say something about how they wanted to speak out, but had some namby-pamby reason for remaining quiet, but they still haven’t denounced their own reprehensible professional conduct. Do they think that just because Bush has moved on to the Presidential Library phase of his life, it’s all over and they don’t have to look back?

When Bush invaded Iraq and the journalists were told to “Sieg Heil” or face accusations of being unpatriotic, no one uttered a peep in protest. Do they think that if Rush engineers a Republican Presidential win again in 2012, that the neocons will be chastened and reformed by the Obama example?

Some Republicans wanted a 1000 year majority in American politics and just because they aren’t in the driver’s seat this term, doesn’t mean that they’ve folded their tents and (as per a line in a Lord Byron poem) stolen silently away into the night. For Rush and his toadies, seeing Obama in the Oval office is just like a baseball game where the one team has the lead for the first and second inning, but then is behind one run when the third inning is over. Journalist who ignore the continuing threat from the neocon talk radio propaganda brigade are giving them a pass and do so at their own peril.

True journalists who would emulate Edward R. Murrow would do better to think of Rush Limbaugh as being similar to Senator Joe McCarthy. McCarthy’s political style was not fair and balance and Rush’s bombastic attacks bring to mind the line asking: “at long last, sir, have you no shame?”

Lion tamers’ most important rule is: never turn your back on an animal while you are in the cage with him. Do journalists honestly think that Rush would hesitate one second to tell his dittohead audience a crucial fib if it would produce the Presidential election results he wants?

Just because the conservative talk show hosts tell people with a Southern drawl: “Your a great American!,” doesn’t mean they be accorded the same level of enthusiasm overseas. We know of one fellow who got decked by a sucker punch in the Kings Cross section of Sydney and then beat up rather effectively (broken ribs?) by some locals who weren’t as pro-Bush as their country’s leaders.

Australians are very well informed about American politics despite the fact that not many of them know who Rush, Sean, and Dennis Miller are, let alone listen to them religiously. If they are knowledgeable about the subject and think that some war crimes have been committed, then, perhaps, the ditto heads are being misinformed?

Edward R. Murrow risked his professional career to take on a political bully. His heirs would do well to point out Rush’s shoddy debating tactics or (perhaps) face the prospect of seeing him installed as the person in charge of a Citizen’s Press Oversight Commission after the 2012 election of a Republican President.

Meanwhile, Dennis Miller is probably reaching a daily audience bigger than any newspaper writer has available.

Edward R. Murrow said: “We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it.” Dittoheads detest dissent.

Now, the disk jockey will play a song just for Dennis Miller: Leslie Gore’s “You don’t own me.” And to Bill O’Reilly who doesn’t have a radio show now, we’ll say: “Good night, and good luck.” It’s time to roll the credits and we want to go check the mailbox to see if there’s an invitation from Dennis’ producer. Have a “enjoy freedom of the press while you still have it” type week.

March 4, 2009

It’s Good to Be the King

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , , — RS Janes @ 2:07 pm

limba-gop-king2

Townhall Tweety

Filed under: Toon — Peregrin @ 2:10 am

Be grateful he's not humping your leg

March 3, 2009

Bush’s Presidential Library to Open

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , — RS Janes @ 6:23 am

George W. Bush’s Presidential Library, slated to open April 1, 2009, will be a storefront in the Oil Country strip mall in Dallas, Texas, located between a payday lender and an Army recruiting office and across the street from the Piggly-Wiggly. The only reading matter on the shelves, aside from an autographed copy of ‘My Pet Goat,’ will be Junior’s collection of Christmas and birthday cards from Ken Lay, Jack Abramoff, Karl Rove, Tom DeLay and other GOP luminaries, with a ‘Win the War on Terror’ video game and a ‘Watch This Drive’ putting green in the back. Visitors will be required to remove their shoes before entering and it will be open from 10 to 4 daily. Admission fee will be your common sense or a hundred shares of Halliburton stock — unless you’re a friend of the family, a Blackwater mercenary, or a member of the Carlyle Group. Then admission is free.

This Day in Hell Illustrated: Paul Harvey Is Welcomed to Perdition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , — RS Janes @ 5:41 am

paulharvey

Radio commentator Paul Harvey dead at 90
Feb. 28, 2009, MSNBC

Pyramid Scheme

Filed under: Toon — Peregrin @ 2:04 am

house of cards, whatever

How to disappear fast!

Filed under: Guest Comment — Tags: — Bob Patterson @ 12:24 am

If Australia’s Prime Minister, Harold Holt, can disappear, then it could happen to anyone, especially if they dare to mention Pine Gaaaaaap . . .

March 2, 2009

Rush the Love Bunny

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion,Toon — RS Janes @ 8:02 am

limbaugh-spank

The Tattlesnake – ‘True’ Tales From the ER Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 7:48 am

Emergency Room log entries from various sources, purported to be on the up-and-up:

– Patient admitted ER with self-inflicted gunshot wound to left palm. (He was testing to see if gun was loaded!) Police are going to arrest him for unregistered weapon that he brought to ER with him. He wanted cops to check and see if gun was working properly!

– Patient’s abdominal discomfort caused by overeating. He was trying to set the world record for Big Mac consumption. He downed 12 before he got sick.

– He was admitted with complaints of ‘burning mouth’ after eating a jar of jalapeno peppers. We’ll wait for lab results to determine if that’s the cause.

– This woman is 80 and says she hasn’t had a period in 30 years. She hasn’t had one now. She sat on some spilled hot sauce in her underwear.

– The patient has no previous history of suicides.

– Patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

– Genital examination reveals that he is circus sized.

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Regrets

Filed under: Toon — Peregrin @ 1:59 am

We all wish someone would have

March 1, 2009

Bobby Jindal: Another GOP Lyin’ King

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , — RS Janes @ 7:19 am

Louisiana’s Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal, in his response to President Obama’s speech February 24, entirely fabricated the anecdote regarding his helping to rescue victims of Katrina in 2005. In fact, Jindal was 80 miles away in Baton Rouge during the time the event supposedly took place. Now, even one of his staff has admitted Jindal lied:

“A Jindal spokesperson acknowledged earlier today that the events Jindal recounted to the nation had never occurred and the governor in no way assisted with boat rescues during the hurricane.”
– Color of Change, “Katrina Survivors Outraged By Jindal’s Lies,” Feb. 28, 2009.

Well, he’s proven he’s full of enough twisted BS to be a Republican president. Color of Change has demanded an apology – I’d really like to see Bobby talk his way out of this one.

apu-jindal-lie
R.S. Janes. H/T to & copyright by Matt Groening.

Low is Her Lubber

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , — RS Janes @ 7:09 am

lois-lame-cover
R.S. Janes – LT Saloon.

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