September 26, 2015

My Mug on a Mug?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Bob Patterson @ 2:05 pm

By Bob Patterson, as told to Belle Starr, Outlawyer,

crop of tent man best who has legally qualified to be a  write in candidate for the Mayor of SF.  Belle is attempting to contact the Donald Trump for President campaign to ask to the first non-presidential political candidate to ask for an endorsement from Mr. Trump.

As an added negotiating chip, Belle is ready to invite Mr. Trump to be the MC for the San Francisco Bay Area Last Love-in.  Additionally, Belle and the Last Love-In organizing Committee are are also appealing to Pope Francis (Franky?) to give the swinging opening Benediction.

The Last Love-in is scheduled to start on Superb Bowl Sunday and run until Valentines Day.  Hippies, flower children and peaceniks of all ages are being encouraged to regenerate the philosophy and spirit of San Francisco’s Sixties and spread the gospel of peace and love among brethren. A reincarnation of the famous San Francisco Sounds (remember light shows?) is being urged.

Donald Trump’s repeated disparaging references to politically  correct terminology or phraseology reminds some he might be channeling Lenny Bruce. (We hope so!!!)

Our readers may have noticed that being offended whether real or imagined or faked has become pervasive in current American culture. (Didn’t Lenny Bruce teach us anything?)

Recently, a food company executive was sent to jail for selling tainted foods which caused some deaths…

Six Irish student died in the Berkeley Balcony tragedy this year. Will anyone go to jail?

Since punditry in the United States has become gridlocked, pundits must expand their entrepreneurial efforts to provide funds for sustenance because pundit is rapidly reaching flatline status in the United States (at least as far as gainful employment…)

Hence, some like The World’s Laziest Journalist are expanding into the realm of T-shirts.  Belle Starr has opened The Last Love-In Store on the Cafe Press website and is offering  arcane items such as an exclusive  Fort Zint T-Shirt (it’s a Berkeley thang), The Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory shirt and other memorabilia.

Americans one year from now will be quite bored with day by day, minute by minute assessments of the political races which won’t be decided until the first Tuesday of 2016 (Belle wonders if the Love-In will still be going on by then…)

Some readers are infuriated by our use of large esoteric and arcane words which brings on our trichotillomania symptoms.

If our columns were half as influential as we would like to think they are we could suggest that the Getty and Armstrong  Radio Show use some of the country songs with lyrics in the German language done by the group called Truckstop (available on Youtube) and actually think we will hear it played on subsequent broadcasts  of their show.

Unfinished Business : Congratulations to Steve Coll who has been named the new Dean of the Columbia School of Journalism.

Collecting obscure esoteric and arcane facts has been a lifelong hobby but scraping some of them from the past is getting much more challenging now that the political arena is so over reported that it has become a existentialist errand to try to analyze  any of it.

Meanwhile, while considering what musical acts should be invited to participate in The Last Love-in Concert we have to check and see if Donovan is available and or interested.
Closing Quote: Charles Batman has said, “ I have see the future of rock and roll and it is … litigation”.

Now it is time for the disk jockey to play “I’m Heading for the Last Roundup”, “Bony Fingers” and “Big Rock Candy Mountain”.

Have a Carpe Diem Week!

September 23, 2015

How to Make America Great: Stop killing kittens in the Middle East!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 4:18 pm

The only real difference between King Herod in the Bible and Bibi Netanyahu in Tel Aviv today is that Bibi has a much better public-relations team. Does Netanyahu now suffer from buyers’ remorse after killing all those babies in Palestine during the past few years? Hardly. Not if he can fix it with propaganda!

After Netanyahu (and the rest of that sleazy neo-colonialist gang who have seized control of Israel) had so much fun blowing up, murdering and/or maiming approximately one thousand Palestinian children in the past two years, Bibi suddenly started to get a bit worried about his current international image as a baby-killer, right? Just look at all the bad press that Herod received after doing the exact same thing!

So Netanyahu got to worrying that he too might go down in history as the 2.0 version of King Herod.

And so he put all his vast propaganda weapons and skills to work in order to dispel all of this latest “anti-Semitic” talk from people who actually objected to babies being maimed, burned alive and killed. “I’ve got an idea,” said one of Bibi’s propaganda guys. “How about that we publish a children’s book showing Israeli soldiers rescuing abandoned kittens in Gaza?”,7340,L-4694647,00.html

And that makes it okay to slaughter a few hundred Palestinian children and maiming over a thousand more?

I guess so.

“By massacring hundreds of children, actual kittens were saved!”

But why the freak were those kitten abandoned in the first place? Because the children who owned them were melted alive by white phosphorus bombs of course. Shame on those thoughtless, bad children!

“But what does all this kitty propaganda have to do with trying to make America great again?” you might ask at this point. That’s easy.

So much of American taxpayers’ money is being funneled to Israeli neo-colonialists and to the American “war” industry in the Middle East these days that there is hardly any money left to spend here at home on stuff like infrastructure and schools. And all those trillions of dollars spent on bombing other countries, no matter how carefully the cluster-bombs and daisy-cutters and drone strikes are aimed, can only result in killing thousands more babies — and even, God forbid, also killing more kittens!

But there is really only one (1) way to make America great again: Stop killing all those kittens in the Middle East. And in Afghanistan. And in Ukraine, Africa, Asia and Latin America… There are possibly millions of kittens that are being killed by American taxpayers’ dollars all over the world these days.

YouTube viewers would be (rightly) appalled.

Americans don’t seem to even care that their tax dollars are being used to violently slaughter thousands of children in the Middle East and even all over the world right now, and that their tax dollars have been used to carry out this slaughter of the innocents routinely since the Eisenhower era.


If Americans only knew that their money was being used to actually kill kittens, it might be a whole different story. We might actually put an end to America’s endless and costly “wars” that are currently sending America to a financial and moral graveyard instead of making it great.

America’s rapid return to greatness can only be achieved if America will only just stop killing kittens. Stop killing kittens in Palestine, Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, Iraq and Yemen. And stop killing kittens in Europe, Africa, Latin America and Asia too. Just stop it right now — if for no other reason than we owe that much to the millions of kitten-followers on YouTube.

PS: Also in heavy competition for the King Herod Award for slaughtering innocents is King Salman, titular head of the infamous House of Saud in Arabia. He is currently fire-bombing, barrel-bombing and neutron-bombing Yemen like it was barbecue time for kittens!

“But why is he doing that?” you might ask. For the oil, of course.

“And also for Yemen’s beautiful beaches,” I was recently told by one Yemeni friend. “King Salman now has a plan to start up a new Waikiki-style resort there, one that will rival Dubai.” And we all know what that means. Time to start saying “Aloha” to all Yemen’s kittens!

PPS: If you find this article particularly offensive, then please ask yourself why you don’t find America’s “war” on the world’s babies offensive as well — and then go out and do something to stop all these hideous wars on babies. And kittens.

Before 3 - Copy

PPPS: A large part of me wants to be a war correspondent and fight against injustice both at home and abroad — but some small part of me still just wants to be normal. And the normal part of me has just become addicted to the peanut-butter-creme-filled-sandwich cookies featured at the “Love at First Bite” cupcakery in north Berkeley.

Oh if only the starving children of Syria, Palestine and Yemen now under deadly siege by the American/Saudi/Israeli/Turkish neo-colonial military-industrial complex could have some of these cookies too!

September 18, 2015

Really green lawns: My trip to Silicon Valley

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 6:14 pm

I just got back from attending a trace-dancing convention held in Silicon Valley. As far as I can tell, the whole purpose of going into a trance and dancing around a lot is to try to receive messages from the Universe (aka God, Allah, the Great Spirit, Yahweh, Shiva, the Holy Ghost or whatever other Higher Power is currently topping the charts) — about what would be the best course of action we could take next in order to “benefit the most sentient beings,” as the Buddha would put it.

Benefiting a whole lot of sentient beings is the most evolved thing that a human being can do. Everything else is just greed, psychosis, materialism and/or trash-talking.

So I’m down there in Silicon Valley and am supposed to be trance-dancing my little heart out — only I’m not dancing. I’m just sitting there like a bump on a log like I usually do (only mostly I just do it in front of my computer), when the Universe sends me an urgent and very clear message anyway (and in song, no less).
“You got to Move it, Move it!”

But guess what, Universe? I hate to move it, Move it. But I force myself. I get up off my chair, I dance around a little bit, I go outside the convention center, I walk around the pool area. I go back to my hotel room and watch “Wild” on HBO, I watch Reese Witherspoon walk the Pacific Crest Trail in living color. “Move it or lose it.” Okay. Message received.

So then I go out and walk all around the major industrial park where my hotel is located — and for miles and miles and miles in all directions, all I can see all around me are shiny new building complexes and really green lawns. Doesn’t anybody in Silicon Valley realize that California is in the middle of a history-making, record-breaking, seriously disabling drought? Apparently not.

PS: Shortly after I walked around the grassy verges and knolls of Silicon Valley, the 14th anniversary of 9-11 happened. So I put on my tin-foil hat and thought about that for a while — with a little help from the Corbett Report. And from Rebekah Roth’s amazing two-hour audio tape, all of it filled with horrifying facts that most of us didn’t know before.

But Americans are really lucky in one way — a horrible tragedy like this has happened only one single time in America in the last 73 years. But horrors like 9-11 are happening in countries like Yemen and Syria and Palestine and Ukraine EVERY SINGLE DAY. And American taxpayers are the ones who are paying for all these horrors.

Approximately 60% of every tax dollar we pay out to the IRS goes toward killing people in foreign countries. “No wonder they hate us.”

The current blitz on Yemen by the notorious American-backed House of Saud (the same group of fun-loving guys who brought us all those elves with box-cutters in September 2001) reminds me strongly of Adolph Hitler’s blitz on London during World War II. And, like the brave people of London, the brave people of Yemen somehow keep hanging on — even despite over 165 horror-filled days and nights of continual 9-11s brought to them by American weapons manufacturers and the House of Saud, including the bombing of 35 hospitals there. Watch this video and try not to cry:

However, what goes around eventually comes around too. King Salman al Saud, please remember what happened to Dresden.

And in 1936, Haile Selassie passionately appealed to the League of Nations for help against the brutal invasion of poorly-armed Ethiopia by Benito Mussolini’s high-tech weapons — and the League of Nations did nothing. In 2015, Yemen passionately appealed to the UN for help against the brutal invasion of poorly-armed Yemen by King Salman’s high-tech weapons — and the UN did nothing too. And we all know what happened to Mussolini — and to the League of Nations.

You don’t have to dance around in a trance to realize that Americans (and Saudis) really really do need to start moving in a far more compassionate and merciful direction if they don’t want to end up like Hitler and Mussolini.

PPS: Once back from Silicon Valley, I happily returned to sitting in front of my computer again — and started listening to Rebekah Roth talk about 9-11. At one point she mentioned that on September 10, 2001, Donald Rumsfeld announced that over two trillion dollars had gone missing from the Pentagon under the watchful eye of some rabbi/accountant with dual citizenship with Israel.

So that’s how the Israeli neo-colonialists can afford to buy all those weapons they use to bomb kittens in Gaza — two trillion bucks from the Pentagon would really help their shopping list a lot.

“But, Jane,” you might ask, “would Rumsfeld and Bush and Cheney lie to us like that?” Yeah, duh. They lied to us about winning the 2000 election, about Iraq WMDs and about Katrina. Why would they hesitate to lie to us about 9-11? And now Obama is lying to us about Syria and Yemen.

Americans are so easily fooled. I really should try to sell them that bridge in Brooklyn again. Or sell them another grassy knoll.


September 14, 2015

The Superbowl of Love, by Bob Patterson

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 8:37 pm

Note:  Bob had a stroke back in July and still can’t type so Jane Stillwater is posting his columns for him.  Here is his latest one.  Enjoy!

Hippies of all ages and experience levels are being invited to come to the last love-in while football fans prepare for Superbowl L (50). While a wide variety of political activists prepare to accept the challenge of stealing the media spotlight during the Superbowl festivities in February of 2016, some members of the original Flower Child generation are inviting all hippies to come back to San Francisco and to revive and regenerate the hippie lifestyle and philosophy.

Anti-war activists in Berkeley will have a nostalgic flashback as they start preparing protests against an American military incursion into Syria. The wide variety of political causes that are espoused in the Bay Area will have a virtual free-for-all when they all try to win the media’s attention because it won’t be just sports reporters flocking to San Francisco.

It seems reasonable that there will be a wave of nostalgic feature stories about the various facets of SF history including flower-power, love-ins, be-ins and psychedelia, love beads, bongs and water beds.

Many New York-based writers who are frantic for an excursion to San Francisco will convince their editors that a story about San Francisco is a “must” for their publications.

Looking beyond that, a year from now the World’s Laziest Journalist expects Jon Stewart to be running for Congress.

It’s time for this year’s list of unreported stories to be reported by Project Censored. Project Censored is our main proof that journalism in the United States is a failed concept. In the coming year, the good Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, we hope to continue our series of columns including one tentatively entitled “The Button-Down Mind of Shelley Berman” (yeah we know it was Bob Newhart’s album). It will mostly be conjecture on how Lenny Bruce would see his beloved San Francisco during the Superbowl madness.

We haven’t run out of topics yet. Also look for a column entitled “Berkeley is the Cure for Apathy” (it happened to me). Meanwhile column production might be sporadic but keep your fingers crossed that the stream of liberal political punditry will keep flowing from the pen of the World’s Laziest Journalist, unbeaten and unbowed by his recent stroke.

And now the disc jockey will play Scott McKenzie’s “If You’re Going to San Francisco,” and the Jefferson Airplane will cogitate how one pill makes us small. Not to mention Tony Bennett singing “I left my Heart in San Francisco”.

To be continued….

September 10, 2015

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest redux — by Bob Patterson

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 11:39 am

Note from Jane Stillwater:  Bob had a stroke and is having trouble posting so I’m doing it for him.

After a stroke and some rehabilitation therapy and a possible clerical error, the World’s Laziest Journalist wound up in a board and care facility out in the boonies of East Oakland the other day.

Most of the staff there spoke excellent Mandarin — which was of no help to me.

It seemed to us that the daily routine for the patients there was to be belted into wheelchairs and shuffled about between bedroom and dining room and occasionally the bathroom and TV room.

We did our best to channel the Cooler King, Cool Hand Luke and Jean Valjean but it was no use. So thanks to the assistance of a well-known write-in candidate for mayor of San Francisco and the summer intern for this columnist, we did our best to channel Randall P. McMurphy and leave the cuckoo’s nest behind.

We have heard the expression “pharmaceutical handcuffs” and and “chemical restraints,” and also have noticed there is a growing trend to put older Americans under the auspices of a conservator whether they want (or need) one or not.

Don’t fear Death Panels. Fear board and care homes that are designed to make sure you never leave alive.

One of our goals for full rehabilitation is to apply for press credentials for the next Oscar ceremony because we want to see how things have changed since we covered the 1976 ceremony when “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” swept that night’s awards.

After being served an evening meal at the board and care home that consisted of one (1) peanut butter and jelly sandwich, rice soup and Kool Aid to drink, we were as frantic to get out of there as the Prisoner of Zenda.

When the intern came to visit and reconnoitered the situation, an immediate escape plan was formulated.

Less than nine hours later, as we settled into our bunk at the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory, we congratulated ourselves for making the right escape move.

Worst case scenario: We wanted to die at home rather than at that board and care facility.

This may sound like a frenzied attempt to imitate a Philip K. Dick plot, but it is now becoming all too close to real life. Since the Baby Boom generation, which has been subjected to close scrutiny since the phenomenon started, is now reaching retirement age, members of this generation had better check with their lawyers to see how possible this horror-movie scenario might be in their particular case.

September 9, 2015

MSM Lies & Damn Lies: A report on refugees from an actual Syrian

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 11:44 am

You cannot BELIEVE all the outright lies and damn lies being shoveling our way by the western mainstream media regarding the current Middle East crisis and the refugee problem. Let me just hit a few highlights:

1. The House of Saud owns over a trillion dollars worth of all kinds of horrible weapons and has been carpet-bombing Yemen continuously for the last 165 days. Thousands of Yemeni civilians have been brutally murdered so that the Saudis can go in and steal Yemen’s oil. Yet the western MSM constantly keeps bitching and moaning about how just ten (10) Saudi mercenaries have been killed while invading Yemen and, get this, Obama himself actually sent condolences to King What’s His Name.

It’s like when Benito Mussolini went in and bombed the Hell out of stone-age Ethiopia in the 1930s — and we all know how badly that eventually turned out for Mussolini.

And of course the poor victimized Yemenis are called “terrorists” and “rebels” by the MSM. The proper term here would be “patriots,” guys.

2. Not all refugees from the Middle East are Syrians. MSM, get a grip. Some of them are even from Ukraine. Fancy that. NONE of them are fleeing President Assad. They are ALL fleeing bad guys who have been trained and weaponized by America, NATO, Israeli, Turkish and Saudi neo-colonialists out prospecting for Lebenstraum and (of course) oil.

Syria’s President Assad has nothing to do with ISIS. He and the Kurds are the only ones actually fighting ISIS. Everyone else is supplying ISIS. MSM, get it right.

All these lies and propaganda remind me of what Hitler told the Good Germans back in the days of World War II. Can you actually believe that our very own MSM is telling us outright lies, ones that they themselves actually know are lies? Hard to believe. But true.

And here is an eye-witness report sent to me by a friend in Syria — totally different from the crap we are now being fed:

1. The hysteric focus on the immigrants to Europe is only designed to create a public opinion, to support the European governments and armies to interfere in Syria, under humanitarian grounds. It’s like scaring their people “if we didn’t go to war, Europe will be invaded by Muslims, Arabs, Africans, and Asians”.

2. Refugees to Europe (and North America and Australia in lesser numbers and portions) have never stopped since the end of WWII. Sinking boats filled with illegal refugees never stopped in the last decades, and they used to be either totally ignored or partially shown at the end of the news, just to feel a little pity about that tragedy. The whales who committed suicide at the shores would have more cameras focused on them though. So what had changed today to suddenly focus on the Syrian refugees?

3. A new Syrian refugee who recently made it to Germany told my friend over there, that the Syrian refugees with him were about 20% of the total refugees on the boats and trains! The rest were from North Africa, Afghanistan, and even from Balkan states (southeastern Europe), yet the mainstream media focuses only on Syrian refugees, or worse, call them all as Syrian refugees!

Although I admit that I’m not following the news because I’m pretty busy over here with family needs and obtaining clean water or cooking gas cylinders, I do remember watching some news by coincidence showing refugees reaching different areas in Europe, and I thought that they look like Afghans or Asians. Then I guessed that they might be Kurds?

I didn’t give it more attention, till I received that notice from my friend over there. So what does it mean? Does it mean that refugees from many other nations are taking advantage of the Syrian crisis and immigrating to Europe as Syrians? From another source, I heard that some Lebanese are doing so right now, going to Europe as Syrian refugees. Some Syrians families did the same in the 80s, immigrated to Sweden and pretended that they are Lebanese fleeing their civil war.

4. Or else European governments do know where these refugees are coming from, but they are turning a blind eye, to make the numbers of the alleged Syrian refugees 10 times more? The game of exaggerated numbers of the dead, the wounded, and refugees has been played a lot in the last five years.

When NATO interfered in Libya, they said that “Qaddhafi’s army” had already murdered dozens of thousands of Libyans around Benghazi, and they had to interfere to avoid a massacre of hundreds of thousands more. After the toppling of the Libyan state, the real numbers came out, that the casualties were around 200-250, half of them were Libyan policemen and pro-government officials. And similar lies in numbers today about the real number of Syrian refugees to Europe is very possible. Maybe a few years from now, the real numbers will be shown as one tenth or less than what they are shown now on the media.

5. There is some gossip here that each European state is taking a certain type, sect, or ethnic group of Syrians, to divide them forever. I remember that Cyprus was accepting Syrian Orthodox Christian refugees, while other states were accepting Protestants, Catholics, etc. Syrian Circassians were asking to take refuge in Russia but Russia offered to support them to stay in their lands. Syrian Armenians were immigrating to Armenia.

But that wasn’t the same for Muslim sects. Iran and Hezbollah for example, are supporting the Shi’a community to stay in their land and to defend it. It was so obvious to me when ISIS attacked the Assyrians and ancient Christians in northern Iraq, and kicked them out of their homes and towns, France offered for them to come right away to its land, as if ISIS and the French government were working together to cleanse the Levant and the Middle East from its original authentic nations and to replace them with all the international trash militias they brought from overseas.

Each time a Christian village or town is attacked in Syria, France or other European states offers them safe haven outside of Syria. That way of scattering the Syrian people around the globe is a very evil plan.

6. There is an argument about what European states should be doing: If they helped the poor Syrian (or other) refugees of seniors, women and children, we say over here that they are cleansing our communities and nation in a systematic pattern.

However if Europeans didn’t do anything for the Syrians, we will say over here that “No one is helping or giving a hand or offering us a visa as refugees in their states”.

Part of that type of problematic thinking is because of the dominating ideas of “conspiracy theories” over here. The long history of fooling the Arabs have made them so suspicious about everything, and sometimes not a healthy suspicion either. I think that supporting people to stay in their lands and to defend themselves against invaders instead of simply helping them to leave, might be one of the answers of that ongoing argument. What do you think?

Me? What do I think? I think that if Turkish, American, NATO, Israeli and Saudi neo-colonialists would just stop trying to steal the Middle East’s land and oil and stop arming ISIS and Al Qaeda, then the refugee crisis would stop on a dime.

But what do I know?

Obviously the MSM knows better than me. Either that, or the MSM is really really really good at telling lies to us Good Germans.


September 5, 2015

Playing strip-poker with the next POTUS

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 9:42 am

Why isn’t one of the Koch brothers running for president in 2016? They both have the time and the money to do it. My guess is that Charlie and Dave saw what happened to George W. Bush and don’t want that happening to them too.

Running for president these days is a lot like playing in a game of strip poker. Sooner or later, too much of everyone playing gets exposed — and in the end GWB came out of the game as morally naked as a jay-bird. Even though he was able to steal the whole pot (twice).

Far better for the Kochs to throw in a poker chip named Scott Walker than risk walking home in the nude.

But running for prez in America is like strip poker in a whole other way as well. In the next presidential election, here’s how the game is going to basically work — just as it has in every other election since Jimmy Carter. In the winter of 2016, Lockheed-Martin, Monsanto, AIPAC, Goldman-Sachs and Citibank will once again be holding their secret high-stakes strip-poker game in the back room of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, this time hosted by Obama, Lockheed-Martin’s BFF since back in 2008.

Drinks will be served.

And Donald Trump will throw his shorts into the pot, trying to impress Goldman-Sachs. Hillary Clinton will then throw in her shirt, making a bid for Lockheed-Martin’s support. JEB Bush will throw in the towel, knowing that even AIPAC won’t be interested in raising his stakes, even after all that Bush I and Bush II have already done to promote neo-colonialism in the Middle East for AIPAC. And Scott Walker is already down to his G-string, having already left all his clothes in Wisconsin with the Kochs.

Bernie Sanders will still have most of his clothes on his back — but will be shedding them as fast as he can over foreign policy, also hoping to please Lockheed-Martin and AIPAC too.

Dr. Jill Stern, the Green party’s choice (and mine too) won’t even be invited to the game.

Soon all the candidates will be standing before these powerful kingmakers stark naked.

Which one will be sitting in the White House after the 2016 election is over? That depends. Which one will sell the most weapons, start the most “humanitarian interventions,” pollute the most air, rob the most $$$ out of our bank accounts? Who will sweeten the pot most? Which one will screw his or her fellow Americans best? A deal will be dealt. A winner will be declared. The other candidates will fold.

Ah, but that will be just the beginning. The kingmakers will now have to let all the rest of us know how to vote. Suddenly the media will be singing the praises of the strip-poker game winner during all of the primaries. The voting machines will get rigged in The Candidate’s favor.

And of course drinks will be served — again. But this time it will be the Kool-Aid.

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