February 28, 2009
February 27, 2009
Amongst the rubble created by living under the eight year Junior-itis plague there are still many who suffer. Included in this wretched morass, are those who continue to drop their pants at common sense and show “more ass:” Neo Con cartoon characters. Please, if you think you can help, stay “tooned” for yet another bleeding heart plea. You know how these toad sucking Liberals are.
Please find it somewhere within the depths of your shallow soul to help…
Sponge Bob… That’s right. The quirky little sponge has gone Neo Nitwit. He insists the taxes at Bikini Bottom must DROP to nothing but bare flesh n’ bones. He wants to squeeze all he can out of the middle class while he gets fat and drug addled: soaking in the wealth of his cartoon residuals. He looks a lot like Lush Dimbulb, only even Sponge Bob should be taken more seriously.
February 26, 2009
Apu’s a Goner in 2012, Along with Sanford, Palin, and Barbour, As Party Leader Rush Waits in the Wings
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
– Albert Einstein
It’s become a cliché to point out that Obama, once again, oratorically cleaned the Republican clock, as he did Feb. 23 in his quasi-SotU. To gauge how bad the damage was this time around, all you had to do was look at Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who appeared as if he’d just chugged a gallon of alum as he listened to the president, and House Minority Leader John Boehner, who looked like he just fell out of a coffin. But the GOP wasn’t done slitting its own throat; to do that they employed Dr. Bombay, Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, a very creepy little man who, in his spare time, doubtless flashes women on street corners, smiles his goofy lopsided smile, and then runs away giggling.
GOP ‘Rising Star’ Jindal was no match for Obama – it was like watching Barney Fife in the ring with the 1973 Muhammad Ali – and his cornucopia of ineptly rendered half-truths and flat-out lies induced much chuckling. Memo to Bobby: There is no Disneyland to Vegas mag-lev train in Obama’s stimulus package; the unnamed ‘bureaucrat’ that you and your sheriff friend were so incensed at for not responding properly to the Katrina flooding was a ‘heckuva job, Brownie’ Bush FEMA employee – in other words, an incompetent Republican boob — and, speaking of that folksy-hokum ‘Lonesome Rhodes’ Katrina anecdote, Jindal apparently just made it up since he was 80 miles away from New Orleans in Baton Rouge at the time the alleged incident took place. Of course, sprinkled throughout were Jindal’s ‘better ideas’ such as continuing to cut taxes, as if the massive Bush tax cuts of the last eight years worked so well.
And in Jindal’s national media debut he exhibited all of the aplomb of a geeky 12-year-old appointed mayor-of-the-day, possessing the charisma of a tub of slow-drying glue. Oh, yes, this guy is presidential, all right – for a junior high class. Even many prominent conservatives were disgusted with this so-called ‘Washington outsider’s’ wet-dishrag performance; the NY Times’ David Brooks pegged it as “stale,” and even “insane.” Only the Head Dittohead seemed to enjoy Jindal’s dance of doom, bizarrely calling the LA governor the “next Ronald Reagan.” (Perhaps he meant the way Ronnie is now.)
Then there’s Jindal’s bizarre past: I wonder what conservative Protestant Christopublicans would think if they knew he was a Hindu who converted to Catholicism, once participated in a weird college exorcism, changed his name from ‘Piyush’ to ‘Bobby’ because of a Brady Bunch episode, and that his parents were liberal Democrats?
Let’s also have a round of applause for tone-deaf Republican Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina, who just ended his political career thusly:
February 25, 2009
February 24, 2009
February 23, 2009
Worst Picture: Mike Myers’ monumental movie mistake “The Love Guru,” although I think the also-nominated “The Hottie and the Nottie” should have nabbed a Dishonorable Mention.
Worst Actor: ‘Winner’ Mike Myers (“The Love Guru”) beat out Larry the Cable Guy? Of course, Mr. ‘Cable Guy’ has never claimed to be an actor, so perhaps this is fair after all. Is Myers trying to get out of a contract, or does he just not care anymore with tripe like this?
Worst Actress: The true Slumdog Millionaire (with a publicist) Paris Hilton for her performance in “The Hottie and the Nottie.” The AP reports that Paris’ two films, the aforementioned bomb and “Repo: The Genetic Opera,” combined did not take in $200 thousand at the box office, giving the lie to the alleged public popularity of the celebutard hotel heiress. Like the fully useless Donald Trump, Hilton’s celebrity is based solely on her ability to hire a good ‘sweet smell of success’ (or, in this case ‘stink’) PR agent who will endlessly get her name mentioned in the media. Isn’t it time for Paris to join fellow stick-figure clotheshorse Cindy Crawford (“Fair Game,” one of the worst movies ever made) in the land of sunny dumb obscurity?
February 23, 2040. CNBC’s Rick Santelli arrives in Hell and is offered a luxurious 10-bedroom, 4-bath mansion at a low mortgage rate. “Oh, boy! Wotta deal!” he shouts as he snaps it up and moves in, but a month later, the mortgage doubles. It keeps doubling every month until Santelli finally complains to the Devil: “You can’t just double my mortgage every month. That’s unfair!” “Just where do you think you are, Rick?” “That’s not the point – every place, even here, has to have some rules governing mortgage rates!” “That’s tough, Rick, but that’s the free market for you.” “But I can’t possibly earn enough to pay this inflated mortgage!” “What are you, Rick, some kind of loser?” Later, the foreclosed-on Rick is given a minimum wage job cleaning J.P. Morgan’s underwear with a pipe cleaner and lives in his ‘Hell car’ – a rusted-out 1988 Plymouth Horizon with four flat tires and no engine that rents for $800 a month.
February 22, 2009
Spike Lee’s Fictional Film Character is Now Chairman of the GOP
I thought the brilliant Richard Pryor had left us, but he must be back writing speeches now for ‘the white man’s black man’ Michael Steele. How else do you account for all the satirical comedy emanating from this guy? Going after the votes of “one-armed midgets,” “urban-suburban” hip-hoppers, and calling the GOP “way beyond cutting edge” (isn’t that like a cartoon character running in mid-air before he falls ‘splat’ to the ground)? Hilarious! Sure, and don’t forget this gem: “Not in the history of mankind has the government ever created a job.” Hey, Mike, tell that to a cop, a firefighter, a postal worker, or a soldier just returned from Iraq – they all think they have jobs and, what’s more, they all pay taxes and buy things from private companies which, last I checked, stimulates the economy. (For that matter, who’s been cutting former Lt. Gov. Steele’s paychecks in the past?) And I’m sure the party of Strom Thurmond, Jesse Helms and David Duke will appreciate Steele pursuing “moms of all shapes” in his lust to expand the GOP base. Sheesh, he’s like Godfrey Cambridge in “Watermelon Man.” (I guess it’s also possible he’s on drugs, because he sure appears to be hallucinating in public.)
“Get jiggy with the GOP”? Most people would rather hug a poisonous cobra.
At least he’ll be entertaining until he’s replaced in 2011 after the GOP racks up even more losses in Congressional and state elections. His predecessor as RNC Chair, Mike “Huh?” Duncan, was a typical dull, cookie-cutter Republican twit; Steele, by contrast, is ding-dong, spittle-lipped crazy.
Thank you, Jebas.
February 21, 2009
I recently received a free copy of one of my city’s two major fishwrappers; except for the front page and inside front cover, the ‘news’ pages were dominated by ads. On several pages, three/fourths of the page was taken up by advertising with a single puny two-paragraph news item, mostly headline, stuck up in the corner, and it was usually some important story like “Mom Doesn’t Regret Octuplet Births”. On top of which, it was mostly edited wire service stuff with very little locally-generated news.
February 21, 2050: Richard Perle is welcomed to Hell after decades of being assured he is going to Heaven. To the amusement of everyone, Perle makes a lengthy speech wherein he attempts to convince the Damned Hell is actually Heaven. In response to the laughter, Perle insists he doesn’t endorse everything he says. Although he is prevented from realizing it, adding to the hilarity is Perle’s attire – he’s wearing a toilet plunger on his head.