November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin’s Alaska – The Uncut Version

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 8:19 am


November 19, 2010

Afghans: Still on the edge of extinction?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Jane Stillwater @ 11:50 pm

It’s hard to write about Afghanistan with any kind of accuracy because only approximately 7% of Americans even actually know where the place is — let alone know anything about what is actually going on there. I mean seriously. How many of us have taken the time to read about Afghanistan in Wikileaks or even USA Today? And how many of us have even actually been there? It’s not as if Afghanistan was Hawaii or Cancun.

But I still want to write about Afghanistan anyway — even if it does mean having to do some actual research. But why would I want to do that? Easy answer there — because most of the taxes that Americans pay will eventually end up in Afghanistan, not Cancun. So let’s follow the money.

According to journalist Tom Engelhardt, “While Americans fight bitterly over whether the stimulus package for the domestic economy was too large or too small, few in the U.S. even notice that the American stimulus package in Kabul, Islamabad, Baghdad, and elsewhere in our embattled Raj is going great guns. Embassies the size of pyramids are still being built; military bases to stagger the imagination continue to be constructed; and nowhere, not even in Iraq, is it clear that Washington is committed to packing up its tents, abandoning its billion-dollar monuments, and coming home.”

And how is this huge tax investment in Afghanistan going? According to journalist Jeremy Scahill, it’s not going so good. “The US killing of civilians, combined with a widely held perception that the Afghan government exists only for facilitating the corruption of powerful warlords, drug dealers and war criminals, is producing a situation in which the Taliban and the Haqqani network are gaining support from the Pashtun heartland in communities that would not otherwise be backing them.” Good grief. No wonder nobody in America seems to want to know anything about what is happening in Afghanistan. It’s all just one big mess of bad news!

And, according to WaPo, even Afghanistan’s president is pissed off at the huge U.S. military presence there. “Karzai has long been publicly critical of civilian casualties at the hands of U.S. and NATO troops and has repeatedly called for curtailing night raids into Afghan homes. Under Petraeus and his predecessor, such raids by U.S. Special Operations troops have increased sharply, to about 200 a month, or six times the number being carried out 18 months ago, said a senior NATO military official, who requested anonymity so that he could speak candidly about the situation. These operations capture or kill their target 50 to 60 percent of the time, the official said.” That’s a whole freaking bunch of dead Afghans.

“Karzai said that he wanted American troops off the roads and out of Afghan homes and that the long-term presence of so many foreign soldiers would only worsen the war. His comments placed him at odds with U.S. commander Gen. David H. Petraeus, who has made capture-and-kill missions a central component of his counterinsurgency strategy, and who claims the 30,000 new troops have made substantial progress in beating back the insurgency.”

But I did manage to locate some good news as well. Apparently if you can’t find a job in America, you can always get a hot new job in Afghanistan, working with the US/AID. Check this out. “Looking for a challenge? The U.S. Agency for International Development (USAID) is actively recruiting experienced officers to serve in Afghanistan. These are non-career Foreign Service Limited Appointments, for up to five years, requiring: Eight years of relevant experience, four of which must be overseas; Bachelor’s degree or higher; U.S. citizenship.” And did you notice that bit about America (and you) being there for the next five years? So much for a quick end to that war.

“There are about 100,000 U.S. troops in Afghanistan [as of November 2010],” the Washington Post tells us. Talk about your job opportunities!

Next I read a book called “My Forbidden Face,” published back before Bush and Cheney started bombing the crap out of Afghanistan — back when the original “Taliban” were still in power in Kabul. Writing under the pseudonym of “Latifa,” its author vividly described how the Taliban back in the 1990s basically tried to kill off all of Afghanistan’s women — and apparently they almost succeeded. The Taliban imprisoned women in their homes, beat them with steel-tipped whips, hung them on gibbets in public, deprived them of all medical care, took away their jobs, starved them, raped them, mutilated them and did everything else that they possible could to make Afghan women extinct. Obviously the Taliban were not thinking ahead!

Without women to give birth to the next generation, all Afghans (not just Afghan women) faced the danger of becoming extinct.

And then the book’s author suggests that these brutal Taliban had been sponsored and financed by Pakistan — and that in fact many of the Taliban were even Pakistanis themselves.

Pakistan’s connection with the Taliban then got me to wondering how a small country like Pakistan could even afford to mount such an expensive campaign. The answer to that question lies in Washington too. I betcha dollars to donuts that most of the money to do this was pulled out of Pakistan’s deep pockets — pockets stuffed with American military aid.

And apparently, unlike the Taliban, Pakistan WAS thinking ahead. “Without all those pesky Afghans standing around and mucking it all up, the wealth of Afghanistan could be ours for the taking!” they apparently said to themselves — and started out on a campaign to annihilate Afghans in the above-stated manner, whether they were women or men (or even children). Then as more and more Afghans died, Pakistan happily started putting its plan into action by seizing the Afghan tribal lands next to their border, the area we now call “Af-Pak”. Yeah right.

“But Jane,” you might ask, “how does what happened back in the 1990s pertain to what is happening in Afghanistan today?” Good question. And since I couldn’t find an answer to that question anywhere else in my reading explorations, I’m going to have to make one up.

“If Pakistan thought it was such a hot idea to sponsor the Taliban before, then isn’t it like that they are probably sponsoring them again now?” Pakistan’s ploy to seize Afghan land worked for them before — so why change horses in mid-stream?

And what else has my research taught me? Hmmm. First Genghis Khan killed Afghans. Then the British killed Afghans. Then the Soviets and the Americans took turns killing Afghans. Then the Mujahideen killed Afghans. Then the Taliban killed Afghans. And Pakistanis killed Afghans. And now the Americans (and their allies from Europe and Canada) have jumped back into this hot game of “Let’s kill us some Afghans”.

Why is it that people from all over the freaking world seem so intent on killing Afghans? How come all of the players in this bloody game seem to be trying their level best to force Afghans into extinction? And you thought that the polar bears had it hard!

According to Jeremy Scahill, “The US strategy seems to be to force the Taliban to the table through a fierce killing campaign. According to the US military, over a ninety-day period this past summer, US and coalition Special Operations Forces killed or captured more than 2,900 ‘insurgents,’ with an estimated dozen killed a day.”

And if this new insurgence of Talibs is being sponsored by Pakistan too like the old one apparently was, wouldn’t it make sense to cut off all U.S. military aid to Pakistan and thus cut off the Hydra at its head?

But what if all U.S. military aid to Pakistan was to be suddenly cut off, Pakistan was then forced to stop back-dooring funds and money to the Taliban and as a result America finally began to get the upper hand in Kandahar and Helmand and finally started to win the longest freaking war in American history?

Would that mean that Americans would finally pack up their occupation and go home? Apparently not. Apparently Afghanistan serves as a buffer zone of influence between Russia, India, China and lord knows who else. Give up the Khyber Pass and the Oil (formerly Silk) Road? Not bloody likely.

Even if America does win its war against the Taliban (be they old or new) it will once again be the Afghans themselves (both men and women) who will lose because their country will still be occupied by Americans — and the Afghans, like the polar bears, will still be in danger of extinction.

I guess the main thing that i have learned from my research so far is that while everyone in the freaking world seems to be warring over this particular piece of the turf, it is the average Afghan who suffers.

PS: Here’s just one last piece of research that I did — running this essay past a friend of mine who is an expert on Afghanistan. And here’s his reply: “I don’t see any glaring errors per se in this article, Jane, but you might want to let readers know early on that while Latifa’s position might appeal to many Americans who still buy into the ‘Great White Saviors of Helpless Brown Women for Savage Brown Men’ concept because it is rather erotic and therefore difficult to unseat because it does not reside in the cerebrum but rather somewhere in the limbic system or reproductive glands, the same horrible things were being done to Afghan men as well as Afghan women during that time.” Check.

“And here are some further points your readers might not know about the 1990s Taliban: First, the Taliban beat both men AND women. They were focused on physical means of public discipline, like the Romans (and most historic cultures) were.

“Second, the Taliban were trying to restore order to a very chaotic situation. The U.S., Pakistan, the Saudis and the Iranians had all funded the mujahideen overthrow of the Najibullah regime, but the result by April 1992 was violent chaos. And the Taliban did succeed in restoring order where, since 2002, the combined U.S., ISAF and Afghan forces have failed to do so. Evidence: The Taliban could and did ban opium production in 2000.

“But while my comments mainly reinforce your points, those little factoids might still be a surprise, alas.” Yes, and it is also a surprise to me that the human race still hasn’t learned a better way to resolve conflicts than to resort to the old Roman (and caveman) tactics of violence and killing.

PPS: When I was in Kabul a few years ago, I met a whole bunch of REALLY NICE Afghans. And right at this very moment America, Canada, the Taliban, Pakistan, NATO, etc. aren’t just over there killing anonymous and nameless “Afghans”. They are killing real people who have families just like you and me and who are hard-working people who bleed when you hurt them and who are NICE.

In her recent book, “Peace Meals” ” war correspondent Anna B wrote about the real people, the innocent bystanders in Afghanistan who get killed in the wars. “We often dismiss the peopled landscapes of Afghanistan—and Iraq and Kashmir, Chechnya and Somalia—as merely a sere battleground of the global war against Islamist terrorism. We erect an emotional wall between ourselves and the millions of nameless, two-dimensional figures that move across our television screens, foreign and strange, almost cartoon-like, unsung. One goes up. One goes down. We switch to a different channel.”

I met Badkhen once at Camp Victory in Iraq, when we were roommates at Victory’s can city. Ever resourceful, she loaned me some masking tape so that I could repair a broken shoe strap. She looked just too young and innocent to be a hardened war veteran — but she was.

Badkhen states that, since the U.S. started keeping records in 2007 and the publication of her book, 7,324 Afghan civilians had died in the war. And a whole lot more of them have died due to lack of medical facilities, etc. “One in eight Afghan women dies during childbirth. One in four children dies before the age of 5, mostly of waterborne diseases. Only a third of Afghans have access to clean drinking water; fewer than one in 10 have access to sanitation facilities. Life expectancy, both for men and women, is 44 years.” Yet no one ever tallies these deaths that are directly related to war.

“‘Peace Meals’ is a tribute to all my host families who live, and perish, on the edges of the world. It is my invitation to connect with the ordinary people trapped in mass violence of the last decade in Afghanistan, Iraq and elsewhere in the Middle East and in East Africa; to break bread with them; and to peer past the looking glass of warfare led or backed by the United States into the lives of the people who, despite the violence and privation that kill their loved ones and decimate their towns, somehow, persevere. Even if they are not mentioned in the daily news feed, they have names.”

PPPPS: Afghans aren’t the only ones getting killed over there. Americans are too. Journalist David Pratt has this to say about that: “…More recently, just a few weeks ago in fact, I met a 22-year-old British marine called Ryan Gorman in Helmand, Afghanistan. As a sniper with 45 Commando, his mental snapshots were of a different kind. ‘Lots of the lads here when they fire back are shooting at shapes and blurs, but I could draw you a picture of the men I see, even the features on their faces.’ Being a sniper is not something Gorman likes to talk about when back home in East Kilbride. ‘Even my closest mates wouldn’t understand,’ he confides.

“But then just who, other than soldiers themselves, could ever be expected to understand such experiences? How many of us can honestly relate to what it must be like to watch a close friend die horribly in battle, or carry the psychological weight of having ‘confirmed kills’ attributed to you?”

Who indeed?


Sarah Palin’s Alaska — The Edited Version

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 6:27 am


Stay tuned for the uncut version tomorrow.

November 18, 2010

Lawmakers opposed to taxpayer-funded health care urged to forego theirs

Filed under: Uncategorized — Greg in cheeseland @ 6:55 pm

Author’s note: I am surprised “Bart” has not picked this up yet, so thought I’d post it here. I have not done political writing for the past few months, partly because I have been so disgusted with the shift to the right in this country recently, thanks to the Citizens United ruling that enables corporate fascists like the Koch brothers to throw unlimited amounts of money into elections and influence the useful idiot voters. Anyway, this article is a good taste of what is to come in the next two years.

Rep. Joe Crowley (D-NY) began circulating a letter among his Democratic colleagues calling on members of Congress who want to repeal the new health care law to forego their own government health care plans.

According to Glenn Thrush writing for POLITICO, in the letter to House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Crowley writes:

If your conference wants to deny millions of Americans affordable health care, your members should walk that walk…You cannot enroll in the very kind of coverage that you want for yourselves, and then turn around and deny it to Americans who don’t happen to be Members of Congress…It is important for the American people to know whether the members of Congress and members-elect who have called for the repeal of health insurance reform are going to stand by their opposition by opting out of the care available to them at the expense of hard-working taxpayers. We look forward to your response in the coming days about exactly how many of the members in the Republican conference will be declining their taxpayer-supported health benefits.

This particular Washington SNAFU was spurred by comments made by Representative-elect Andy Harris (R-MD) at an orientation meeting while discussing the government-subsidized health care benefits that are available to lawmakers.

Harris, who ran on a platform that included a promise to repeal President Obama’s health care reform law and resist “government-run or government-mandated insurance,” essentially asked why it will take 28 days for his government-run health care to go into effect. Based on a statement from an aide who was present at the meeting, POLITICO’s Thrush reported that Harris asked, “what will I do without 28 days of healthcare?” According to the aide, he then asked if he could purchase insurance from the government to cover the gap. In a statement to POLITICO, Harris’ spokeswoman Anna Nix admitted that he also said, “This is the only employer I’ve ever worked for where you don’t get coverage the first day you are employed.”

Harris, a 12-year Maryland state senator who is an anesthesiologist that practices at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore and several hospitals on the east coast, apparently is not aware that the vast majority of private health insurance plans offered through private employers do not begin coverage for 30-90 days. Moreover, he is obviously oblivious to the hypocrisy of any politician who opposes government-subsidized health care for those not fortunate enough to be elected to government service, yet accepts it for themselves.

Read more, get links and see a video of even Scarborough mocking Harris here:

YOS Productions Presents: The Neo Con Ballot Box Bot

Filed under: Toon — Ye Olde Scribe @ 3:38 pm

In the near future the Neo Nuts won’t run humans for office anymore. They’ll just have robots preprogrammed with all their catch phrases and idiotic ideas. And since ballot boxes will all be electronic black boxes they will all win. Every time. Here is yet another thing you will hear the bots say…


“Now you are all dying from lack of affordable health care, robots demand free robot ‘health care:’ pre-election, and a free oil change every other word.”

-Pre-programming courtesy Andy Harris: anti-health care, teabag nitwit, who demanded his free health care before actually becoming a Congressman.

Republican Science: Common Sense GOP Solutions for an Aging Population


November 17, 2010

Ye Olde Scribe’s Links to Oblivion

Filed under: Uncategorized — Ye Olde Scribe @ 10:00 am

“What ‘hopey changey thing?’”

U.S. Envoy Secretly Offered Troops in Iraq after 2011

WASHINGTON, Nov 16, 2010 (IPS) – A special envoy from President Barack Obama raised the possibility in a secret meeting with senior Iraqi military and civilian officials in Baghdad Sep. 23 that his administration would leave more than 15,000 combat troops in Iraq after the 2011 deadline for U.S. withdrawal, according to a senior Iraqi intelligence official familiar with the details of the meeting.


November 15, 2010

Rupert Murdoch’s New Fox Tea Party Network TV Schedule

What will the defeated Tea Party candidates and their helpers do for a job now? Go to work for Uncle Rupert, of course!


November 14, 2010

Ye Olde Scribe Presents: Another Quote from the Quote Goat!

Filed under: Quote — Ye Olde Scribe @ 9:20 pm


“No tax cut for the rich? Hell, no tax cuts for anyone until it’s paid off. Now there’s REAL financial responsibility. Put that in your crack pipes and smoke it, teabag Republican bitches.” -A-Non-E-Moose

Thanks to Namraknec for another fine logo- YOS

November 13, 2010

Voters Fooled Again By GOP in 2010


November 12, 2010

Nihilism for fun and profit

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , — Bob Patterson @ 6:03 pm

The confluence of three items, recently, in the World’s Laziest Journalist’s “in” box produced a Eureka moment when the nihilistic lessons of this columnist’s favorite movies snapped into focus.

The first item was a feature news report, from Scientific American, heard on KKGN, San Francisco’s progressive talk AM radio station, about a psychological study that indicated mice who worked harder for a reward enjoyed it more intensely. It was said to reinforce the traditional parental lesson that most kids are taught that the harder they work, the more intently they will enjoy reaping the fruit of their labor.

That, in turn, precipitated some college era memories about a deal whereby this writer would, if he pulled his grades up to a B average, be given permission to hit the bank account and buy a used car. One A, three B’s, and a C produced the B average and a high level of euphoria for the student. Unfortunately, the parent, in his best Republican style, said he couldn’t recall any previous quid pro quo agreement about good grades and an automobile. Say “so-long!” to the “value of hard work” lesson.

In the 2010 mid-term elections, the Democrats lost their majority in the House and almost lost their Senate Majority. Even the Democratic President had to assess the results as a “shellacking.”

At the end of the classic film, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, two prospectors watch the gold that they have risked their lives for, and work feverishly for, blow away in a strong wind. Howard, the old prospector, tells his partner: “Oh laugh, Curtin, old boy. It’s a great joke played on us by the Lord, or fate, or nature, whatever you prefer. But whoever or whatever played it certainly had a sense of humor! Ha! The gold has gone back to where we found it!… This is worth ten months of suffering and labor – this joke is!”

Long before having an allergic reaction to the lesson of the mice and hard work experiment, this columnist had been primed by life to promote a happy-go-lucky response (picture Earl Flynn scoffing at danger in a classic pirate film) to misfortune and disappointment.

If a person adopted such a cynical-cavalier attitude towards life, could he maintain it at that point in his life where he found himself lying on the pavement of a remote highway with a broken leg and a fracture skull? Does saying: “You know in the movie how they always say: ‘I think I have a broken leg,’ well when you have a broken leg, you know you have a broken leg” qualify?

Bleeding out the ear is a battlefield symptom of a fractured skull. When you arrive in the emergency room and the doctor wants to know if you have a concussion, he might hold up his hand and asks “How many fingers?” Would responding “Do you count your thumb as a finger?” qualify as an example of a proper cynical-cavalier attitude, at that moment?

[Personal aside: It wasn’t until 1982, when we reread 1984, that we identified the “déjà vu” quality to the “How many fingers?” question.]

When all three of these factors came into alignment after the results of the mid-term elections became known, this columnist shrugged his shoulders and asked himself: “What would Fred C. Dobbs do?”

We diligently searched the limited progressive media available for a result analysis of the “Eat, drink, and be merry – because tomorrow we die!” kind (often attributed to the men in World War I who faced the prospect of aerial combat with the Red Barron). “Where is it?” The progressive talk radio hosts were not as ebullient sounding as Rush Limbaugh.
Where has the hippie generation “Age of Aquarius” optimism gone?

While working on staff of a daily newspaper in Santa Monica, we had a boss who advised the workers that if there was an atomic attack on Los Angeles (just imagine that there is a foreign sub with missiles lurking off the coast of Southern California), then we all should: “Run towards the flash!” if an attack should take place.

So, where is the progressive talk radio with an excellent example of a cavalier attitude?

(Note the Berkeley area musical group “the Grannies” offer their fans a bumper sticker proclaiming: “My middle finger says you’re wrong!” Where can I get one?)

The Democrats, who expect (like the mice in the aforementioned Scientific American item) their hard work to pay off, are in a funk. The people, who enjoy the annual “Lucy pulls the football away” episodes from the Peanuts comic strip, will have to be content with reviewing all their favorite nihilistic movies.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre with Howard’s speech at the end.
Citizen Kane to understand the “Rosebud” moment
Apocalypse Now for the “call in the air strike” denouement.
Help for the “Who wears the ring, must die!” line
The Third Man for the remark about what 500 years of peace and brotherhood produced for Switzerland.
Easy Rider to hear “We blew it, Billy.”
Cool Hand Luke just to see that last smile
At the end of The Sound of Music, didn’t the Nazis march into Austria?
Rebel without a Cause to hear “Ray, I got the bullets!”
Maybe even Treasure Island? Could the image of Long John Silver heading solo out to sea in big row boat be a metaphor for the plight of the Democratic Party at this point in time?

Some old Hollywood hands will offer the insight that all comedies end with a wedding and all tragedies end with a funeral.

Do you think that the Democrats and the Republicans are going to “kiss and make up” or is an Obama impeachment a very likely political development for next year?

Who was is that once said: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again . . . then give up ‘cause there’s no use looking like a damn fool”?

After more than six years of writing columns asserting that George W. Bush was a war criminal, this past week we got to hear some other folks say the same thing based on casual remarks the former President made during his triumphant round of promoting his new book on various TV shows.

Will his casual confession lead to a war crimes trial or will it mark the turning point where Dubya’s bad press no longer became a factor for assessing the potential for JEB’s quest to restore the legacy of the Bush Dynasty and win the 2012 Presidential Election?

Perhaps one of W. C. Fields’ comments gives the best clue: “If a thing’s worth having; its worth stealing (to get).”

Now the disk jockey will play “Somewhere Over the Rainbow,” “If You Wish upon a Star,” and Joan Baez’s “Prison Trilogy (Billy Rose).” We have to go and try to convince one particular website proprietor that we will recant and repent and henceforth espouse a sincere Pollyanna attitude towards everything the Democrats do and should be welcomed back like the prodigal son in the Bible parable. Have a “Where’s Buzz” type week.

November 11, 2010

Worker bees or locusts: The 6.8 billion people who currently live on our planet

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Jane Stillwater @ 5:30 pm

Me and my granddaughter Mena were reading “The Lorax” last night for the 20th time (yes, I have no life) and, amazingly, way back in 1971 Dr. Seuss had already begun warning us about the dangers of over-manufacturing and over-population. “I am the Lorax,” he wrote. “I speak for the trees.” And then one day all the trees disappeared.

The Lorax had clearly warned all of us — way back in 1971. We have been warned.

And yet despite of this explicit warning that almost every child in America has heard at least twice since 1971, to this day America (and almost every other nation on the planet) still measures its national well-being by the standard of whether or not there’s been a growth in gross national product that year — how much each nation as produced and/or consumed.

Apparently it’s still very important to prove that we human beings are all good little worker bees.

But lately it just seems that all we are proving is that human beings make excellent locusts.

Do we really NEED all this stuff that we are still madly manufacturing?

And even if we do need it, can we afford it?

The devastation that human beings have created on our planet since beginning of the Industrial Revolution makes me think of locusts, not bees — unthinkingly swarming all over the Earth, madly gobbling up all that they see.

40 years ago, Dr. Seuss was right. And so was the Lorax.

And now, 40 years after our warning, who speaks for the trees now? And the oceans? And the land? Monsanto does. And Wall Street, the Pentagon, Wal-Mart and Fox News.

We’re screwed.

PS: Here’s the U.S. Census Bureau’s official population clock,, now telling us that at this point in time there are 6,878,795,705 locusts, er, people now living on this planet — and all of them seem to be screaming, “More! More! More!” at the top of their lungs. But guess what, guys. There’s just not going to BE any more — once we locusts have completely stripped the place.

Just ask the Once-ler what that’s gonna be like.

PPS: One of the lawyers I used to work for always told me, “Whenever you make a demand on your opposition, always include both the date by which you expect this demand to be met and the negative consequences to your opponent if your demand is not met.” That sounds like good advice.

So how about this for a due-date and a consequence? “If every single one of the 6.8 billion of us humans (except for those who are currently living at absolute subsistence levels) doesn’t cut down his or her consumption of goods and materials by at least half before January 1, 2015, then we will suffer the dire and severe consequences of living on a planet that is occupied by locusts instead of by bees — and Dr. Seuss’s awful prediction will come true.”

“But, Jane,” you might say, while possibly wringing your hands, “how could we possibly ever do that?” Sure, it won’t be easy — but here’s a very excellent way to start: Just get rid of ALL television commercials that extort us to buy stuff. And let’s put this advertisement ban into effect within a year from today — or else locusts will start eating your children. And you.


To see photos of members of various branches of the Stillwater family tree and Mena reading “The Lorax,” click here:

Alternative Titles for Bush’s Book – Part Two

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , , — RS Janes @ 3:23 am


November 10, 2010

Plans for a “Manchurian Candidate” sequel?

Filed under: Commentary — Tags: , , — Bob Patterson @ 3:00 pm

[Note: This column is a work of fiction. It is chock full of speculation, hypothesis, and conjecture and is slated to be the World’s Laziest Journalist’s official entry in the 2010 Lunatic Organization of Conspiracy Theorists’ Nutty Idea of the Year competition (which, like Fight Club, can’t be discussed).]

Sometime between 1973 and 1998 a clandestine group of patriots met (in secret, of course) and selected a group of young Democrats who were screened by a committee of psychologists as being fully qualified to be manipulated clandestinely for Republican Party purposes at a future date.

Members of the group were young, intelligent, highly motivated members of various Democratic minority splinter groups.

The psychologists were, like their highly paid associates who specialized in advising lawyers about the selection of potential citizens for jury duty in a specific case, looking for more than just a high IQ. The right candidates had to show several specific qualities such as a tendency to be headstrong, proud, strong willed, arrogant in private, eager to please, and have high moral principles.

Interesting sidelight: some tests used in the selection questionnaire used in the past by various Personnel Departments to evaluate potential employees contain the question “Do you ever lie?” All applicants who respond “Never” were automatically eliminated from further consideration.

The selectees were then subjected to a close inspection of their paper trail and a few who had interesting inconsistencies were advanced to the next elimination round.

The best candidates had to show a strong aptitude for self-deception. For instance, a guy with a minor speech impediment, such as a slight bit of teeth whistle (it would be noticeable in words with an “s”) while speaking, had to be susceptible to flattery especially the kind that promoted the idea that he was a powerful and charismatic orator. That’s just one example. There are others, but we assume you get the picture.

The Democrats who made it to the “groom for success” elimination round, were then given some stealth boosts to their career. We are not suggesting that the art of election deception via electronic voting machines was being used at that point in the history of democracy in action, rather, we are asserting that some bits of “off the record” assessments, such as “don’t say I said this, but we are really afraid of candidate X (Is that a deliberate pun on Malcolm X’s name?)” were fed to eager political pundits, who dutifully spread that idea as far and as fast as they could.

In America, it is absurd to maintain that the journalists, who value the fact that (as Mike Malloy is wont to say) theirs is the only profession with Constitutional guarantees (The First Amendment – Freedom of the Press), would play the Judas role for forty pieces of silver because we all know that America has the best journalists that money can buy. They would never knowingly play along with this hypothetical scenario which suggests they were played by Republican strategists, but it could happen in another country and so we will press this impossibility into use for this example of a lunatic theory. (Didn’t Sinclair Lewis say it best in the title to one of his books: “It Can’t Happen Here!”?)

Back to our ridiculously absurd (Welcome Dadaists) confabulation (If Word says it is a word and you still want to challenge it; we say: “Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls.”): Some of the unwitting Democrats were put on the fast track to success and subjected to some extensive media fawning. They were given more “we really fear that guy” boosts.

The best was selected (by this point in history, the electronic voting machines were “in play”) to become the Democratic Party nominee to play the rodeo clown who would divert America’s attention away from the budget bloating effects of the invasion of Iraq, Osama bin Laden’s miraculous escape from the trap in the Tora Bora mountains (which was just like a Three Stooges episode?), the 2004 election results in Ohio, the questions about Building 7, the convenient timing of the Spectrum 7 Energy Corp’s stock deal with Harken Energy, and last, but certainly not least, the biggest blunder in 43’s life when he traded Sammy Sosa. [Not to mention the mysterious circumstances surrounding the death of Ronald (St.) Reagan’s former costar, Bonzo.]

The backroom Swengalis aren’t done with their fall guy yet. His greatest service to the Republican puppeteers is yet to be played. When the Republican majority in the House is sworn in next January, our hypothetical hero would (subjunctive mood for conspiracy theories) be called on to play the greatest victim role in the annals of American History.

What could be a better way to divert America’s attention away from JEB Bush’s campaign than the Impeachment Process? Our hero shut down the idea of a war crimes trial for Dubya. It worked so well in the past, why not make a sequel? Gees, do you have to be a Hollywood insider to know how well the sequel gambit works?

When the hapless fellow is accused of lying he’ll have to deny it, even though all the personnel departments in the world expect honest applicants to admit that they have told lies. It’s OK to tell lies, just don’t take it to the level where the bogus information is supposed to be considered “true under penalty of perjury.”

Like a rookie baseball player who is goaded into taking a lead off first that is one step beyond the point of no return, this hypothetical example fellow, unfortunately, has however inadvertently provided the Republicans with a bit of paperwork that will be terrible binary choice: either the fellow has committed perjury and should be impeached or he wasn’t born in the USA, which disqualifies him for the office he holds.
Maybe an Impeachment Hearing would finally answer the nagging question: “Who would want to kill Dorothy Kilgallen and why would they want to do it?”

Some pundits will urge the fellow to resign before things get that bad. No way, Jose! The Republican psychologists are staking their professional reputations on their profiling abilities and are predicting that their guy will hold fast and challenge the Republicans to “bring it on!” He will challenge the legitimacy of the paper work.

When Bruno Hauptman was forced to provide the police with an example of his handwriting, wasn’t he also coerced into using the same misspellings found in the kidnapper’s’ ransom demand? Wasn’t that “fact” later used in court against him?

Note: the same experts who would testify that the signature “could” be a forgery would be challenged on the basis that their “expert” testimony was just as valid as that given by so-called scientists who are helping drive up the cost of polar bear (Uris martisimus) memorablia by asserting that the white creatures are on the verge of extinction. Didn’t one of the signers of the Constitution once warn his fellow Americans: “Never trust a scientist farther than you could throw him!”?

One clear hint that the Impeachment process is just about to start will be the fact that the Republicans will steal the focus of attention and the media coverage for the State of the Union Speech by boycotting the event. Fox News will cue the Journalism Industry that the only possible explanation is that the Republicans have “evidence” that the President isn’t qualified to sit in the Oval Office and they will refuse to endorse the charade. They will drop hints about what makes them think like that. Then a day or so later, they will again take the initiative and the offensive by announcing the grounds for Impeachment.

When the Vice President gets sworn in as the replacement, all the GOP politicians will then resume their sit-down strike in the legislative branch of government and start ridiculing and belittling the non-Republican President.

If the above isn’t good enough to win the Conspiracy Theorists’ Nutty Idea of the Year Competition, what would be?

Well, don’t say you read it here, but some people say that this year’s dark horse nominee will be a column submitted by a crazoid who asserts that if you hold a photo of the once prominent Ayatollah Khomeini next to one of the few pictures in existence of Howard Hughes, you will immediately come to an astounding conclusion.

That conspiracy nut columnist is quick to point out that no one ever saw those two men in the same room at the same time. “Gee, Lois, did you ever notice that Clark Kent has yet to be a witness for any of Superman’s amazing feats?”

The fact checker is still working on the idea that the first words that Lee Harvey Oswald said to newsmen in the Dallas jail were: “I’m a patsy!”

We need a better closing quote than that one.

Texas congressman, Martin Dies Jr. (not to be confused with his father Martin Dies Sr., who was a congressman from 1909 to 1919), who was the Chairman of the House Un-American Committee during World War II, in a 1932 statement about the fundamental issues, said: “During the past decade a radical change has taken place in our economic life. Although we still retain the external form, the professions and precepts of a democratic Government, there has grown up in our midst an industrial and financial oligarchy as absolute in its sway as ever existed in the heyday of mediaeval feudalism.”
(Martin Dies The John Day Company hardback page 33)

Is it too late to mention that Australia is celebrating Remembrance Day?

Now, the disk jockey will play “Puff the Magic Dragon,” “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds,” and Sloppy Secondz’ “Whacky Weed.” We have to go and participate in a Veterans Day debate on the topic: “If Bush and Cheney are War Criminals are they entitled to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery?” Have a “Why didn’t the NTSB reassemble (in a nearby warehouse) the jet airliner that hit the Pentagon, just like they did with TWA flight 800?” type week.

Alternative Titles for Bush’s Book – Part One

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , — RS Janes @ 4:30 am


November 9, 2010

The Coming GOP Civil War

Filed under: Opinion,Toon — Tags: , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 2:55 am


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