WHY DID THE CHICKENHAWK CROSS THE ROAD?
You know those “Why did the chicken cross the road” jokes? Well, here are some with a slight twist. If you weren’t sick of them before, you will be now…
George W. Bush: To stay ahead of that Dan Rather lawsuit.
Dick Cheney: To get to Dubai before anybody else indicts him.
Karl Rove: Don’t interpret that chicken crossing that road as anything other than the eventual fulfillment of my subtle master plan for a permanent Republican majority!
Ed Rollins: Nixon’s chickens crossed that road while Rove was still not screwing cheerleaders.
Alberto Gonzales: I just don’t know anything. I was never informed of anything having to do with chickens or roads and, if I was at any time, I don’t remember it. That’s all I can say until my best-selling book comes out next year.
Clarence Thomas: Ask Scal or Alito about that; I’m heading out to lunch at Long John Silver’s today, and I might have a – ha, ha — Coke with my stuffed clams.
David Frum: To run screaming from Rich Lowry’s lurid masturbatory fantasies.
Norm Coleman: To avoid a legal state-mandated recount.
Ann Coulter: Quite obviously to stock up on vodka and gin for the next four years.
Michelle Malkin: To escape Obama’s secret plan to enslave America in a future of hope and change for the better!
Sarah Palin: To, ya know, get on over there and work on that other side of the pipeline with them bipartisan public servants like myself for the people’s business on that good health care and tax cuts and jobs ’cause that’s what they want us to do and see if God has any doors open for ya over there on that other side there for me to just plow right through there, ya know, even if I don’t drink, and even if it’s only cracked open a little teensy bit, and it’s not my fault the great war hero John McCain lost, unless it is, and then I’m sorry, ya know, but it’s not.
Saxby Chambliss: To see how low he can go.
Henry Paulson: Just give the chicken the $700 billion to take across the road with no questions asked.
Matt Drudge: Because no one takes him seriously on his own side of the road anymore.
Pat Buchanan: If Britain had just left Hitler alone after he crossed the road into Poland in 1939, there wouldn’t have been any World War II!
Newt Gingrich: To make sure the other side of the road wasn’t full of gay and secular fascists trying to take over the nation!
Lou Dobbs: That’s a Mexican chicken crossing that road to steal the eggs of an American chicken! My viewer poll says 97 percent are against Mexican chickens taking the eggs of patriotic American chickens! Why doesn’t Washington make policy exclusively based on the opinions of the people who watch my show?!
Rush Limbaugh: Dumb-ass liberal socialist Obama-loving chicken. If he were a smart conservative talk-show host chicken, he would have sent his maid across the road in his place.
Sean Hannity: I’ll only answer this question if the chicken was crossing from the left to the right side of the road.
Glenn Beck: He crossed the road and now nobody pays any attention to him on the other side; he’s lost in the shuffle.
Bill O’Reilly: Roger, is it time for a War on Chickens or a War on Roads?
Roger Ailes: Stop bothering me with dumb questions, O’Reilly. Just check your fax machine for your talking points, as usual.
Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby: To get a full pardon from Bush come January.
David Addington: Whatever the president wants to do with that chicken or that road is entirely within his constitutional powers in time of war, and I’ll ruin you if you dare disagree with me.
John Yoo: I had no idea when I wrote those memos that actual chickens might be tortured.
Samuel Joseph ‘Joe the Plumber’ Wurzelbacher: To buy a business for $250,000 that I still can’t afford on the chicken feed my 15 minutes of fame nets.
DITZWATCH
“My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.”
– Gov. Sarah Palin, in her best former beauty pageant contestant form.
FINAL FUNNY
“There’s no such thing as same sex marriage.
After marriage, sex is NEVER the same…”
– Phil’s Phunny Phacts, from Phil Proctor’s Planet Proctor, 2008-22, Nov. 19, 2008.
The Tattlesnake — You Might Be a Neocon If… 2008 Update Edition
With a hat tip to Jeff Foxworthy, it’s time to play:
You Might Be a Neocon If…
… you believe any of the following: Barack Obama is (a) a socialist; (b) a Muslim; (c) the illegitimate son of Malcolm X; (d) the illegitimate son of Uncle Ben.
… you think Obama was a domestic terrorist who helped Bill Ayers plant bombs in the Pentagon; that he doesn’t have a legal birth certificate proving he’s an American citizen; and that his middle name indicates anything more than sheer coincidence.
… You believe President Obama’s first act will be to make the ‘nation’ of Africa our 51st state and send every resident a free Cadillac.
… you heard Obama was born in Hawaii in 1961 and don’t think it was a state then, thereby making it illegal for him to be president, but are too lazy to look it up before you forward the email.
… you believe Sarah Palin is really intelligent and informed and that the reason most of America thinks otherwise is due to the liberal media and their evil ‘gotcha’ questions.
… you think an unwed teenage girl’s pregnancy is a sign of the moral failings of permissive secular parents and liberalism in general, except for 17-year-old Bristol Palin.
… you believe Sarah Palin is (a) a real feminist; (b) a true populist; (c) a ‘good ole gal just like me!’; (d) winking at you seductively through the TV.
… you think it was fine for the Big Media to criticize every detail of Hillary Clinton’s campaign and excoriate her for her laugh, her clothes, her personal taste, or minor mistakes, yet Katie Couric asking Sarah Palin to name what newspapers and magazines she reads ‘every day’ is an outrageous and out of bounds ‘gotcha’ question.
… you thought John Kerry’s record of military heroism didn’t entitle him to be president, but John McCain’s did.
… you believe that, despite everything, this remains a ‘center-right’ nation.
… you think any of the following windbags are still politically relevant: (a) Rush Limbaugh; (b) Bill O’Reilly; (c) Sean Hannity; (d) Michael Savage; (e) Glenn Beck; (f) John McCain’s brother Joe.
… you actually believe that Big Media corporations are owned by flaming liberals, except Fox News.
… you think Fox News owner Rupert Murdoch is ‘too liberal’ because he once held a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton and employs Alan Colmes.
… you believe any of the following are real-live conservative intellectuals: (a) Bill Kristol; (b) Pat Buchanan; (c) Dinesh D’Souza; (d) Joe the Plumber.
… you think prayer in school is more important than a good education in school.
… you believe that courts should not ‘make law’ but go by a strict interpretation of the Constitution, except in the case of Bush v. Gore, Terry Schiavo, and keeping those designated as ‘terrorists’ by the president in prison without due process.
… you think Swift Boater Jerome Corsi is a great investigative journalist.
… you think Michael Moore is a communist dedicated to overthrowing the country’s health care system and forcing you to go to a government doctor for free.
… you’ve never read anything by Karl Marx other than a quote or two, yet consider yourself an expert on what is Marxist.
… you believe liberals and/or Democrats are all (a) atheists (b) liars (c) commies (d) America-haters (e) arugula eaters (f) always sitting around trying to think up ways to take away your guns.
… you think anyone who disagrees with you is unpatriotic, even if it’s an old woman in a wheelchair yelling at you for parking in the Handicapped space.
… you think Handicapped parking spaces are liberal commie plots to take away our freedoms.
… you believe wearing a flag pin is more important than living up to the Constitutional law of the land.
(more…)