Another one of those “thank GOD they were lost,” scripts. Instead we had a “whale” of a time. The Enterprise: swinging it’s way back through time after a visit to the past. Yes, “swinging.” On its way it “dated” a neutron star before it was neutered, a planet with several rings on it from the Old Time Mormon system and some rather kinky Lesbians from the “Do You Really Buy We’re All That Bi” Lesbo system. In the end, it swung its way through the backasswards time travel portal next to the Male Gay Planet, because there are fewer portals to use when you’re male and Gay. On the way to their destination they went through the face forwards portal. Scribe would get all techie and describe how it works, but that would be a… mouthful.
Note that the Enterprise “swung its way,” using both fly around the sun fast and time portal methods. That’s because with a Captain like Kirk you try fill as many portals as possible.
Kirk: Spock… have you noticed Sue Lu is acting strange?
Spock: Other than wearing a skirt, carrying a sword and using it on other cast members?
Kirk: Yes, he’s lopping off heads then eating brains.
Spock: It’s only logical Captain.
Kirk: Some possibly Japanese guy in a miniskirt lopping heads off on a ship going faster than the speed of light after traveling through time many times… how is that defined as “logical,” Mr. Spock?
Spock: Well we did come back from visiting the Republican United States House of Representatives in 2011.
Kirk: So you’re saying one of those “follow each other without question” Republican brain eaters sunk his teeth into Sue Lu? I thought he was Gay. He was bitten?
Spock: And smitten. Seems the Boehner zombie cried until Sue Lu took pity on him. Sue Lu was Gay until that moment he was “comforting” Boehner with a boner. Then Michele Bachmann bit him.
Shatner drops out of character for a moment. “Who wrote this script? Jeez, couldn’t they get Stewart to do it?” Still in character, Nimoy says…
Spock: That’s not logical, Captain.
Kirk (back in character): Why not, Mr. Spock?
Spock: Because Captain Picard would try to talk them out of being zombies.
Kirk: Tell me, Spock, if you’re so logical, if we wanted to change the past, why didn’t we visit Earth before the zombies took over?
Spock: Because it would be fruitless Captain.
Kirk: No, kiwi? No, grapes?
Spock: That, and we’d never return alive.
Kirk: That’s an illogical cliche’, Spock. You can’t “return” if you’re dead, so what other way would you return?
Spock: Of course you “can return.” I proved you can do anything in Trek. Besides, I didn’t write the script, Captain, but we still would not have returned if we had gone back to before Republicans controlled the House.
Kirk: Because we’d be stuck in some kind of time loop where we propose change then waste time until Republicans can find a way to defeat us; agreeing to gut change until it’s not really change at all? Then again we propose change then waste time until…
Spock slaps Kirk.
Kirk: Thanks, Spock, I was stuck in the infamous Obama time loop for a moment there.
Spock: Not for a moment, Captain, it’s almost time for the Next Generation.
Kirk: Oh. no, not that! As a perv even I find that poor actress, short skirted, “Captain I sense something,” counselor annoying, and more than a bit, “Troi-ing.” We must go back!
Spock: We’d never survive the trip, Captain. They’d kill us.
Kirk: Why, we survived the Progressive Insurance planet, despite that black haired beast with the flaming red lips, the Dominos planet with poisonous pizzas ringing the planet, hell, except Sue Lu, we even survived an encounter with brain eating Republicans: one from Ohio who even enjoys dressing as a Nazi. Why couldn’t we survive visiting the House pre-2010 election?
Spock: Because not even zombies eat their own.
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©Copyright 2011
Ye Olde Scribe
all rights reserved
Rich Lott, pre-zombification, in the middle next to the dude from the James Montgomery Doohan planet.