Once in a while I like to catch CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight”; sometimes I even agree with him. While Lou used to have a guest panel of news analysts that occasionally included luminaries like Randi Rhodes, Bob Herbert or that Lionel guy from Air America Radio, lately he’s been picking his guests from the wrong end of the horse. The Usual Suspects for some time now have been Diana West of the Moonie-owned Washington Times; Michael Goodwin of the bottom-feeding rightie-rag the New York Daily News; and Democratic ‘strategist’ Robert Zimmerman. Below, I’ve transcribed from (faulty) memory what the group babbled about on Monday’s show.
Since I frequently don’t keep good notes and this is no exception, this is a rush transcript of what I thought they said:
DOBBS: “What the hell is it with these news people not wearing the flag lapel pin like me? It’s bad enough Barack Obama has kicked our soldiers squarely in the groin by not wearing his pin, but now Katie Couric refuses to call them ‘our troops’ in a news broadcast — says it’s about some foreign concept of objective journalism. What — does she think she works for al-Jazeera? And that damn Bill Moyers — don’t get me started! Diana, you work for a far-right fishwrapper owned by a man who thinks he’s the second coming of Jesus — this must rumple your panties as well.”
WEST: “You’re so right, Lou! The terrorists are applauding and eating cake made from dead babies! How demoralized our poor boys over in Iraq must be by the knowledge that these prominent Americans aren’t wearing those little enamel lapel pins.”
GOODWIN: “No wonder we’re winning at a slower rate than the honorable Mr. Cheney predicted! Obama with an American flag lapel pin is worth a battalion of trained troops in the field, there’s no question about it, it’s a fact, and everyone knows it!”
DOBBS: “Zimmerman, you whiny oaf, how do you defend all of these blatant traitors — one of them a presidential candidate from your party?!”
ZIMMERMAN: “Lou, let me just get a general apology to you and your viewers out of the way first for all of the treason committed by the Democratic Party since its founding. In this particular case, I think it’s a terrible mistake for the Democratic candidates to in any way resist or counter any Republican talking point, no matter how inconsequential or idiotic. That’s not the way to win elections! I’m just sorry for all of the unpatriotic inconvenience my party has caused the GOP and the nation, and I just hope you’ll all accept my sincere apology for our existence.”
DOBBS: “Thanks, Bob, that’s why I have you on.”
WEST: “Uh, one thing, Zimmerman: We prefer you call it the ‘Democrat’ Party; ‘Democratic’ Party might give Americans the wrong idea.”
ZIMMERMAN: “Oh, my bad — I’m humbly sorry for that too. I meant to say the ‘Democrat’ Party, of course. Please forgive me.”
GOODWIN: “Okay, now that we got the token Democrat to yell
‘uncle,’ what’s next?”
DOBBS: “Diana, I’d like to see a little more cleavage here. Go change your blouse to something sexier, honey.”
WEST: “You got it, Lou — anything for my career in journalism!”
GOODWIN: “Yeah, and get us all some coffee while you’re up, babe. Well, not for Zim — he’s busy with his humble pie.”
ZIMMERMAN: “It actually tastes pretty good once you get past the smell, ha, ha.”
DOBBS: “We’ll be back after these messages with the results of our poll: ‘Should all Latinos be drawn and quartered on sight as illegal aliens, or should we wait for the results from a Minuteman kangaroo court before we kill them?’ Stay tuned.”
Copyright R.S. Janes. Also posted at Liberaltopia.org
The Tattlesnake — Nobody Makes a Monkey Out of Lou Dobbs Edition
Once in a while I like to catch CNN’s “Lou Dobbs Tonight”; sometimes I even agree with him. While Lou used to have a guest panel of news analysts that occasionally included luminaries like Randi Rhodes, Bob Herbert or that Lionel guy from Air America Radio, lately he’s been picking his guests from the wrong end of the horse. The Usual Suspects for some time now have been Diana West of the Moonie-owned Washington Times; Michael Goodwin of the bottom-feeding rightie-rag the New York Daily News; and Democratic ‘strategist’ Robert Zimmerman. Below, I’ve transcribed from (faulty) memory what the group babbled about on Monday’s show.
Since I frequently don’t keep good notes and this is no exception, this is a rush transcript of what I thought they said:
DOBBS: “What the hell is it with these news people not wearing the flag lapel pin like me? It’s bad enough Barack Obama has kicked our soldiers squarely in the groin by not wearing his pin, but now Katie Couric refuses to call them ‘our troops’ in a news broadcast — says it’s about some foreign concept of objective journalism. What — does she think she works for al-Jazeera? And that damn Bill Moyers — don’t get me started! Diana, you work for a far-right fishwrapper owned by a man who thinks he’s the second coming of Jesus — this must rumple your panties as well.”
WEST: “You’re so right, Lou! The terrorists are applauding and eating cake made from dead babies! How demoralized our poor boys over in Iraq must be by the knowledge that these prominent Americans aren’t wearing those little enamel lapel pins.”
GOODWIN: “No wonder we’re winning at a slower rate than the honorable Mr. Cheney predicted! Obama with an American flag lapel pin is worth a battalion of trained troops in the field, there’s no question about it, it’s a fact, and everyone knows it!”
DOBBS: “Zimmerman, you whiny oaf, how do you defend all of these blatant traitors — one of them a presidential candidate from your party?!”
ZIMMERMAN: “Lou, let me just get a general apology to you and your viewers out of the way first for all of the treason committed by the Democratic Party since its founding. In this particular case, I think it’s a terrible mistake for the Democratic candidates to in any way resist or counter any Republican talking point, no matter how inconsequential or idiotic. That’s not the way to win elections! I’m just sorry for all of the unpatriotic inconvenience my party has caused the GOP and the nation, and I just hope you’ll all accept my sincere apology for our existence.”
DOBBS: “Thanks, Bob, that’s why I have you on.”
WEST: “Uh, one thing, Zimmerman: We prefer you call it the ‘Democrat’ Party; ‘Democratic’ Party might give Americans the wrong idea.”
ZIMMERMAN: “Oh, my bad — I’m humbly sorry for that too. I meant to say the ‘Democrat’ Party, of course. Please forgive me.”
GOODWIN: “Okay, now that we got the token Democrat to yell
‘uncle,’ what’s next?”
DOBBS: “Diana, I’d like to see a little more cleavage here. Go change your blouse to something sexier, honey.”
WEST: “You got it, Lou — anything for my career in journalism!”
GOODWIN: “Yeah, and get us all some coffee while you’re up, babe. Well, not for Zim — he’s busy with his humble pie.”
ZIMMERMAN: “It actually tastes pretty good once you get past the smell, ha, ha.”
DOBBS: “We’ll be back after these messages with the results of our poll: ‘Should all Latinos be drawn and quartered on sight as illegal aliens, or should we wait for the results from a Minuteman kangaroo court before we kill them?’ Stay tuned.”
Copyright R.S. Janes. Also posted at Liberaltopia.org