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“Taking the most Python-esque of the web and delivering it unto your digital doorstep.”

After Mr. & Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men–he found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:

 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, “Code 3 in Housewares Get on it right away.”

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M’s on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”

And last, but not least …

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

Finally, the %$#@ TRUTH!
Publishing what the MSM won’t because they insist on playing, ‘Hear no evil, see no…’”

Because the Democrats have never fundamentally challenged Bush’s approach to the Middle East, the entire nightmarish situation there has begun to seem normal. It’s normal that a vast American army is occupying an Arab country in the heart of the Middle East, breeding the venomous hatred that leads to terrorism. It’s normal that our mercenaries swagger around Iraq, gunning down civilians as if they were dogs. (Did we defeat the British in 1783 only so we could create our own army of brutal Hessians?) It’s normal that the Gaza Strip is a gigantic open-air prison and that Israeli settlements continue to be built, each one another nail in the coffin of a two-state solution. It’s normal that Pakistan and Lebanon are powder kegs ready to blow up. It’s normal that our “friends” who rule Egypt and Saudi Arabia are continuing their despotic ways. It’s normal that Afghanistan is falling back into chaos. It’s normal that we have ratcheted up tensions with Iran so much that a devastating war seems increasingly possible.

LINK

Now, without further “Yaba Daba Do Do,” Ye Olde Scribe Presents…

The Political Compass Becomes a Comical Stew

Some of Scribe’s readers may be familiar with The Political Compass that plots pols, pundits and the general public in regard to where they stand between Libertarianism, Authoritarianism, Left and Right spectrums. They offer a grid… kind of like the one that almost made you flunk Geometry class, but use it and these labels to rate you, as well as others. Eager to take the test? HERE YA GO!

Now Scribe thought it would be interesting to take a well known, but sadly neglected character, see how he would do on this test, and then allow him to provide a few more complete answers as to why he answered the way he did.

Our test subject?

Fred Flintstone: common working Caveman with a less than average: Neo-Con-like, IQ. He’s rather authoritarian… except when it comes to rules applying to HIM and what he wants to get away with. He also has a secret he keeps from everyone, especially Wilma, his wife.

Question: “I’d always support Bedrock, whether it was right or wrong.”

“I mean, I’ve lived here my whole life. What else is there outside of Bedrock? Besides, I’ve heard the pterodactyls have a taste for Cavemen outside Bedrock.”

Question: “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.”

“Anyone who helps me sneak away from work and keep my wife from knowing… well, that’s a friend; and Dino, of course. Did you know we’re on the tenth Dino? Mr. Slate doesn’t pay that well, even though Barney has tried to talk his uncle into giving me more money. We’ve had Dino brisket, Dino barbecue, Dino al dente, Jewels of Dino: they come in HUGE pairs…”

Question: “There is now a worrying fusion of information and entertainment.”

“Everyone thinks Bam Bam is so entertaining with that fancy club of his, but I think he’s a pain in the… Barney’s always reading ads in the Stone Tablet Trading Post for bigger, better clubs for the little brat. Someday the little monster’s going to smash Pebbles into gooey mush. But, ‘Shhh!’ Don’t tell Barney. He’ll get mad.”

Question: Schools should not make classroom attendance compulsory.

“Yes, they should. Anything to keep that Rubble kid out of my hair.”

Question: The most important thing for children to learn is to accept discipline.

“Didn’t I kinda answer this already? Yes, yes, YES! Discipline kind of turns me on anyway…”

Question: People are ultimately divided more by class than by nationality.

“Anyone who works at the Rock Quarry knows THAT! Some day I’m going to let that Apatosaurus loosen his grip while Slates standing below and…”

Question: Controlling inflation is more important than controlling unemployment.

“WHAT! I can’t lose my job! Controlling ‘inflation?’ Have you seen me eat and my belly lately?”

Question: “When you are troubled, it’s better not to think about it, but to keep busy with more cheerful things.”

You’re kidding, right? Then how would I get my kicks if I can’t bellow out, “WILLLLLMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Question: It’s a sad reflection on our society that something as basic as drinking water is now a bottled, branded consumer product.

“Bottle? What’s that? The Great Gazoo said something bout that once just before we drowned him in a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. But I’ll bet it’s better than that stinking creek we all use for drinking water and go in too.”

Question: In a civilized society, one must always have people above to be obeyed and people below to be commanded.

“You work for Slate, don’t you?”

Question: Governments should penalize businesses that mislead the public.

“That Slate, always pretending he’s some great citizen here in Bedrock. Do you know I caught him cooking the books over dino droppings while porking his secretary? THAT got me the small raise I wanted.”

Question: “The freer the market, the freer the people.”

“If that means I get free, huge, drumsticks, I’m all for it.”

Question: The prime function of schooling should be to equip the future generation to find jobs.

“So some little brat can take food off my family? NO WAY!”

Question: “Abortion, when the woman’s life is not threatened, should always be illegal.”

“No Pebbles? No, Bam, Bam? What an opportunity! Just our soon to be ex-wives, Barney and me? Of course!”

Question: “Mothers may have careers, but their first duty is to be homemakers.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes! What, we want Betty and Wilma at work too? Besides, they might see me sneaking out lunch time…”

Question: No one can feel naturally homosexual.

“Sure they can. Ask Barney too. Lunch time we both say, ‘YABA DABA DO!’”

Results?

Your political compass
Economic Left/Right: -1.50
Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: 1.54

Or…

About two notches to the Left because of his desire to keep his secret affair quiet and two notches towards authoritarianism because, except when it comes to himself, he’s the typical, ignorant, redneck, headed over the hill adult in his society.

So there you have it, Fred Flintstone: the typical, closeted, Neo-Con Caveman who thinks the rules apply to everyone else, but never HIM. The only reason he isn’t ranked with Hitler on this graph is because he’s so damn “liberal,” but ONLY when it comes to Fred Flintstone… and because, for a change, THIS Neo-Con answered questions HONESTLY. Note: He even said a few times he’d sell out Barney if it was in HIS best interest.