October 22, 2007

The Tattlesnake — Goodbye, Lizard of Oz and How’d Those Bricks Get So Yellow? Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — RS Janes @ 7:39 am

– A serious record drought has hit the Southeastern and Western United States, right in the Red State breadbasket. That’s a shame, but it got me to wondering why ditzoid holy roller Pat Robertson isn’t calling this a judgment from God for those areas voting Republican?

- Huckabee Horse-pucky: David “Dum-Dum” Brooks, writing in the NY Times yesterday, offers up this pile of piffle in his adoring take on Mike Huckabee: “He tells audiences that [he was so poor] the only soap his family could afford was the rough Lava soap, and that he was in college before he realized showering didn’t have to hurt. ‘There are people paying $150 for an exfoliation,’ he jokes. ‘I could just hand them a bar of Lava soap.’”

This is some homespun BS by Huckabee — back in the day, I used to buy Lava soap and you could find much cheaper brands at the store — Palmolive was less expensive, for example. For that matter, real poor people even made their own soap, cheaper yet. Why do politicians lie about this kind of stuff? And why don’t infatuated maroons like Brooks check on it? The shower probably hurt because any politician is in pain when they have to come clean.

– Laughable: How many attendees of today’s Values Voters Convention of the Damned do you think were shoppers just out looking for a good deal on tube socks? “What the hell’s Rudy Giuliani doin’ here makin’ a speech, Madge?” “Oh, forget him and help me find the Halloween candy aisle.”

– Speaking of ‘values voters’: Kansas Sen. Sam ‘Lizard of Oz’ Brownback has thankfully Deep Sixed his silly campaign for president that couldn’t find enough ‘family values’ bats in the far right reaches of the fundy GOP belfry to keep it afloat. Likewise, I think Tom Tancredo will be ‘spending more time with the fam’bly’ right after Iowa, along with Duncan “Cover” Hunter. Tancredo’s single issue — “Kill the f*%kin’ illegal aliens” — didn’t work to stir up enough of the mouth-breathers, and Hunter reading his resume to voters somehow failed to ignite a wildfire of excitement for his candidacy. Fred Thompson will sl-ow-ly quit, I think, right after his sorry ass stinks up fourth place in New Hampshire, leaving the field to Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Ron Paul and a barely-breathing John McCain.

Giuliani and Romney have enough cash to stay in the game even if they don’t hit in the top three in Iowa or NH; Huckabee and Paul will do much better than expected in both states and McCain — McCain will limp into South Carolina but, if he doesn’t finish in the money there, he’s gone, and I don’t think he’ll finish in the top three. My dartboard says the big winners in the Plantation state will be Romney, Huckabee and Paul, in that order. By then, even slow Republicans will have figured out liberal New Yawker Giuliani, sliding by so far on name recognition, is not for them and Romney has a ton o’ bucks, lies with ease, and will spend freely to nail the top slot; Huckabee, a Baptist preacher, is acceptable what’s left of the Christian Coalition types and, rather than jump ship to some store-front third party, the Christopublican leadership will instead decide to turn out the faithful for a Southern boy who hates abortions, loves Gee-zus, and doesn’t truck with Romney’s hell-bound LDS crowd, and they’ll still maintain some influence in the GOP at the same time. Paul will be the candidate for all of the classic conservatives disgusted with the nimnulls who voted for the top two, and don’t be surprised if Paul gets a good portion of the all-important SC military vote. (Sidebar to Dan Bartlett, former Bush WH aide: He recently called Huckabee’s last name redolent of the ‘hick’ — shows how long Danny boy’s been inside the beltway — who does he think the average GOP primary voter is? Sure, there are a handful of wealthy plutocrats, DAR flaghags, and genteel sons and daughters of the Old South lined up for their tax cuts and to keep ‘the Colored’ at bay, but the largest bloc of Republican primary voters are slit-eyed-mean white trash hicks and starry-eyed Jesus-uber-alles yokels.)

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