November 10, 2012

Post-election blues: Nothing to write about now except wars & weddings

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , — Jane Stillwater @ 10:36 am

In this past election, Karl Rove lost bigtime in his bid to buy America’s elections — which is good. But on the other hand, Shelley Berkley and several other excellent forward-thinking candidates also lost too — and that’s bad. And judging by the thousands of racist tweets sent directly after this election, our country is also still seriously divided. Yet despite all this, America is now supposed to move Forward.

Unfortunately, however, no truly civilized civilization can truly ever move forward if its economy still remains based mostly on greed and war — and so post-election-day America is still in Big Trouble. And so nothing has really changed in our country. Move on, folks. Nothing to write about here.

So I’ve decided to write about my frustrated attempts to throw my daughter Ashley and her fiance Hugo a surprise wedding on 12-12-12 instead.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to pull a wedding together? Almost harder than invading Afghanistan.

So far, I’ve only been able to line up the priest and the flower girl. That’s about it. Oh, and there are approximately 400 people that I have to invite too. And 12-12-12 is only a few weeks away. And I’m also pretty much broke. Do you think that the guests would mind too much if we just had the wedding in the cold dark rain up in Tilden Park on 12-12-12, followed by a BYOB reception in the Little Farm parking lot? Yeah, they probably would.

But here’s what I’d been thinking before all this new venue-and-catering nonsense began: We would kidnap Hugo and Ashley, throw them into a church, strip them down to their skivvies, dress them all up in regal wedding finery and then shove them in front of the altar. They’ve been together for almost four years now. It’s about time that they tied the knot. Plus 12-12-12 won’t be coming around again for another 100 years.

And this 12-12-12 will be on a Wednesday.

And all y’all would be invited too — if only we could come up with a church. And a reception venue. And invitations. And centerpieces for the tables. And flowers. And a band. And food and a cake. And barrels of money to pay for all this.

Weddings are freaking expensive — they are almost as expensive as wars. But weddings move us Forward. Wars do not.

Please, President Obama? Can we please hold this wedding on your White House front lawn?

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