November 13, 2014

How to Kill a Ghost and Lose an Election

Filed under: Commentary — Ye Olde Scribe @ 10:06 am

Congratulations on your continued employment as a grim reaper, and your elevation to the special class of reaper: harvester of the souls of the already dead. We know you will bring honor to your employer, and of course if you don’t you KNOW what awaits you.

You will be of great service, reaping the souls of the already dead. This has become more of a problem as of late: drivers have closed their windows because the lost spirits distract them by yelling, “You’re going the wrong way! You’re going to KILL somebody!” schools have been visited by the specter of some teacher who can’t stop yelling, “Class, class, SHUT UP!!!” …and some ghost who call himself Bluto who has been pestering frats for years.



First: a definition. A ghost is someone who has died and, for many reasons, simply hasn’t passed on to whatever reward or torment that awaits them. Many are poor, tortured, unsatisfied souls: and it is your job to bring them home. Of course “home” could be heaven, or more like a broken, bad. marriage that has gone Groundhog’s Day. And if the character Bill Murray played actually MARRIED her you KNOW that’s what would have happened, for men always return to their most disgusting behavior patterns, right gals?

1. Put out an ecotoplasm trap.

This is the easy, if they’re foolish enough to fall into on. You could bait it with the scent of a lover who spurned them, parent who demeaned them or just some



banana peel they slipped on. By the way, this is how we caught Groucho Marx, so it also works for comedians who are haunted by the fact they didn’t get to make that last wiseass remark.

2. If that fails we provide a spiritual Hoover vacuum cleaner, or the industrial version of an Electrolux: ElectroSUCKS.

3. If all else fails Reaper, Inc. provides ACME portable black holes sold to us by a



coyote. Use wisely: one per reaper. We wish you best of luck, though by now it’s obvious you’re falling down on the job and succeeding with the portable black hole would be a… stttrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…tttttttttt…. ttttttttttttttttttttttt…… ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Perhaps you should take advice from the Grim Reapers assigned to the Democratic Party: encouraging their leadership to never support: to always run, from a successful president of their own party, and always have the backbone of a jellyfish. OH, and almost ALWAYS kiss up to corporate interests… almost as much as the ReThugs.



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