January 18, 2016

The NRA’s fondest wet dream: A mass murder in every city in America!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jane Stillwater @ 1:53 pm

If I were the CEO of the National Rifle Association (which thankfully I am not because I don’t wanna end up going to Hell), then drumming up more business for guns would be the first thing on my to-do list every day.

First thing every morning, I’d call a meeting of my underlings and yell at them. “We gotta start pushing the product! Get off your lazy butts, guys. Get out there and sell more weapons!”

“But what about all those wars that we’ve already started in the Middle East?” asks the vice-underling-in-chief. “For years now, we’ve lied through our teeth to get all those wars started and keep all those wars going. Bosnia, Ukraine, Iran, Libya, Afghanistan, 9-11, Syria, Yemen, Palestine? Even Vietnam! We’re selling thousands and thousands of guns a day right now. Boss, you gotta give us credit for that.”

“Not nearly good enough,” replies the stern CEO. “What’s a couple of trillion dollars here and there? We need to sell MORE!” Obviously there’s a whole lot of yelling going on at this meeting. Underlings shaking in their boots. Nobody wants to lose their job. What’s to be done? “In the next two years, I want every man, woman and child on this whole stinking planet to own at least one assault rifle and a couple of Glocks!” screams the CEO.

“How about that we step up our sales right here in the USA?” suggests the CUO. “That’s a relatively untapped market. Picture this — everything this side of the Mississippi could become the new Middle East!”

Hmmm. That could be done — arrange for lots of lying and finger-pointing on the evening news. Whites and geezers hating Blacks, Muslims, Lefties, Commies, women and kittens. Turf wars between Boy Scouts, Mafioso, Sam’s Club and Rotary! Get the crazies stirred up. “If we played our cards right,” continues the CUO, “we could have at least one mass murder happening in every city and town in America! Sales would skyrocket. No gun left behind! They’ll have to double the Pentagon’s budget just to protect New Jersey! We’re in.”

You’ve got to be carefully taught.

“I like your thinking, young man — guns instead of butter. Just imagine. Cold hard steel in every kitchen cupboard from Seattle to Key West!” The meeting adjourns on a hopeful note and everyone scatters to their cubes, trying to think up which lies they can tell to get this party started.

But, sadly, nobody can eat guns.

On the other hand, however, there would be less people trying to eat them.

And so the NRA rolls out its lies. And more and more guns are sold in America. And the NRA’s fondest wet dream comes true — mass murders in every city and town in America and trillions made in profits and America has indeed become the new Middle East. That is, until the day comes when some disgruntled underling comes to work and shoots up the NRA’s main office with his AK-47. Sigh.

Do we really want to go here? Apparently so.


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