BartBlog

The Sleaze and Cheese That Please

Laughable: Rumor is Rudy Giuliani, now married to ex-mistress Judi Nathan, has got his roving eye ogling again, seeking a henpecked married man’s solace from his smothering, haranguing wife. (Judi KNOWS Rudy only too well — look at how they met and how he divorced former wife Donna Hanover.) Could an ample-figured New Hampshire patriotress be the object of his affections, and will our steely Big Media reporters who have noticed the heat mention his new flame in print? (P.S.: Pinching a woman half your age solidly on the fanny is not seen as a mere sign of affection, even for an aging Prince of the City.) Will there be more public cell phone calls in the future as Dame Judith of the Hamptons checks up on her leering Poppa Bear?

Speaking of Rudy: He likes to tout his record as a federal prosecutor, bravely putting away Mafia kingpins, but how about the rumor that he was actually helping the New York mob families by jailing their deadwood? Note to G-Man: If your strategy is to lose in the early states and win big in Florida, thanks to all of the New Yorkers who have retired there, fuhgedaboutit. If they weren’t living in the city while you ran it, they talk to friends and relatives who were, and most Big Apple natives except the sycophants who work for you think you’re out of your freakin’ gourd and would make a terrible president.

Eye-Rollable: A McCain campaign ‘strategist’ was on MSNBC Dec. 18th, sending up clouds of smoke that Johnny actually has a chance of avoiding humiliation in New Hampshire. (McCain’s written off Iowa.) Moment of highest hilarity came when he announced the Cap’n was going to win on “the conservative principles that have served us so well the past two-and-a-half decades.” Oh, brother — no wonder McCain’s going down the tubes. Rumor has it that the Straight-Talker-turned-Bush-Boy has also been losing it in private lately, uncontrollably screaming at staff and volunteers. He’s no doubt a tad peeved that after all the millions he’s spent and all the time he’s put in on the road chasing the Brass Ring, Mike Huckabee, with no money and no staff, is going to win it all, and this is grandpa’s last chance for the Big Show. Welcome to hell, John.

And How About This Conspiracy Theory: Bubbles from beneath the goo speculate that the incredible spinelessness of most of the Dems in Congress began shortly before they gained the majority in 2006. Rumor is Dem leaders were taken late at night to an undisclosed location for a hush-hush off-the-books sit down with Darth Cheney and some other Neocon Masters of the Universe. (Junior was not present, of course, as this was an important meeting.) The deal was this: Allow the Neocons and Friends to rape and pillage in the Middle East and here at home for the rest of Bush’s term, and give cover to the White House for all past crimes — meaning no serious investigations or impeachments — and Bush/Cheney would quietly step down in 2009. Supposedly the threat was if the Dems didn’t take the deal, BushCo would declare martial law on some scary terrorist pretext, dissolve Congress ‘temporarily,’ suspend the 2008 election, and turn the country into a fascist state using their bizarre Unitary Executive interpretation of the laws that have already been passed to justify it all legally, and dare the Dems to do anything about it. Sure, there would be national outrage — like they care — and eventually the Bushites would be turned out, but that could take years — maybe five, ten, fifteen — maybe never. In the meantime they could screw things up royally overseas and here at home, at least until the Chinese stopped lending them money. The Dems went away and weighed the deal and decided the best thing for the country, and their own hides, was to take it rather than watch democracy go down the drain in the US. Shortly after this, Pelosi took impeachment off the table and Reid went back in his shell. I don’t know if I buy it, but it’s an interesting theory, and it sure explains a lot.

Finally: Bubblehead Republican Congress-creature Tommy Tancredo is going to drop out of the hunt for the presidency on Thursday, Dec. 20th. It’s about time and the lesson from this for the other GOP candidates, since that deaf-dumb-and-blind-kid based his whole campaign on a-hatin’ them Mex’cans, is that the racist anti-immigrant issue isn’t selling, even to the GOP base. Next out? On the GOP side, Duncan Hunter will be spending more time annoying his mistress, right after his last place showing in Iowa; Ol’ Fred Thompson will see the light when he comes in fourth or fifth in Iowa and NH, most likely quickly followed by the nearly-broke McCain. On the Dem side, Joe Biden will get a cold blast of reality when he hits dead last in Iowa, and Chris Dodd, the only presidential contender who’s been doing his job in the Senate lately, will face facts after a drubbing in NH.