What if the cable news channel had been around earlier in history?
The Roman Empire, circa 33 A.D.:
“Friends, Romans, countrymen, I’m Wolfus Blitzus and this is CNN! Breaking news in Judea, where our army has tried and executed a Jewish religious zealot who challenged the authority of our forces of liberation there.”
WB: “We’ll take you now to Candius Crolius, embedded with our troops in Jerusalem…”
CC: “Wolfus, I am standing near a hill outside of Judea’s capital city, where a dangerous terrorist has just been executed and a palpable sigh of relief has gone up among our peacekeeping forces here. This man, Yeshua bar Joseph, was a threat to peace and order that a crowd of his countrymen released a convicted murderer rather than let him go free.”
WB: “Incredible! Didn’t he claim to be divine or something?”
CC: “That’s right, Wolfus, his followers said he was the son of God, in defiance of the authority of Rome.”
WB: “You mean he actually claimed that his father Joseph, a poor carpenter from Nazareth, was a god?”
CC: “No, he was apparently talking about a single invisible god who controls the entire universe.”
WB: “And yet he managed to attract some followers to his cause with this bizarre story?”
CC: “Yes — they are now being hunted down by the police.”
WB: “What is the mood of our troops there?”
CC: “Let me ask this young soldier who helped in the crucifixion. Please give us your name and where you’re from.”
PM: “Proletarius Manipulatus and I’m from South Ostia. Hi, Mom and Dad!”
CC: “What was your reaction to this execution?”
PM: “There was no doubt this was necessary. He had a really far-out philosophy and no respect for our leaders or our way of life at all. We don’t like to crucify people, but this had to be done.”
CC: “Okay, thank you. I guess you’d like to get back to your dice game now. That’s the way it is here, Wolfus; back to you…”
WB: “Thanks, Candius. We have in the studio retired Tribune Cranius Flabbius to help us understand the threat posed to our security by these Judean terrorists. Thanks for being here, Tribune Flabbius.”
CF: “My pleasure, Wolfus.”
WB: “There have been reports that this terrorist, Yeshua bar Joseph, and his gang advocated nonviolence. Do you think this is true? Were they nonviolent?”
CF: “My experience from time served in that region is that all these zealots are eventually dangerous and must be dealt with forcefully before they get out of hand. Besides, our Emperor Tiberius has proclaimed that these anti-Roman religious sects be pre-emptively eliminated before they pose trouble, so who are we to argue with that?”
WB: “Certainly the Emperor wouldn’t lie to us, but didn’t this man speak mainly of peace, love and forgiveness?”
CF: “What sane person, looking at the world the way it is — a jungle where we are beset by enemies and must be ready to defensively strike at any moment — would take such tripe seriously? No, I think Mr. bar Joseph was simply trying to lull us with this talk until he had consolidated his forces and was ready to attack us on the field of battle. Overwhelming power is the only thing these zealots understand.”
WB: “And a connection to this fanatic John the Baptist has been definitely established?”
CF: “Yes, our intelligence sources indicate that this so-called ‘man of peace’ participated in secret rituals with this John the Baptist, and John was such a peril to Judea that King Herod had him beheaded!”
WB: “I understand that this terrorist forgave his enemies before his death on the cross…”
CF: “I don’t find much credibility in that rumor: what normal man would forgive those responsible for killing him? By all accounts, this Yeshua was a very shrewd and crafty leader of an army of rabble who wanted to destroy all that we hold dear. Look at who he associated with: indigents, outcasts, tax collectors, even a prostitute — the dregs of society! Is this a man of the highest morals? Quite simply, he was trying to foment class and religious warfare, and I’m glad we took him out before he could do any more harm.”
WB: “Thanks for being with us and for your incisive analysis, Tribune Flabbius. Next on CNN, a debate on the death penalty — should we get rid of crucifixion and replace it with public evisceration? Join in our CNN/Rome Today poll, right after this…”
The Tattlesnake — CNN Through the Ages Edition
What if the cable news channel had been around earlier in history?
The Roman Empire, circa 33 A.D.:
“Friends, Romans, countrymen, I’m Wolfus Blitzus and this is CNN! Breaking news in Judea, where our army has tried and executed a Jewish religious zealot who challenged the authority of our forces of liberation there.”
WB: “We’ll take you now to Candius Crolius, embedded with our troops in Jerusalem…”
CC: “Wolfus, I am standing near a hill outside of Judea’s capital city, where a dangerous terrorist has just been executed and a palpable sigh of relief has gone up among our peacekeeping forces here. This man, Yeshua bar Joseph, was a threat to peace and order that a crowd of his countrymen released a convicted murderer rather than let him go free.”
WB: “Incredible! Didn’t he claim to be divine or something?”
CC: “That’s right, Wolfus, his followers said he was the son of God, in defiance of the authority of Rome.”
WB: “You mean he actually claimed that his father Joseph, a poor carpenter from Nazareth, was a god?”
CC: “No, he was apparently talking about a single invisible god who controls the entire universe.”
WB: “And yet he managed to attract some followers to his cause with this bizarre story?”
CC: “Yes — they are now being hunted down by the police.”
WB: “What is the mood of our troops there?”
CC: “Let me ask this young soldier who helped in the crucifixion. Please give us your name and where you’re from.”
PM: “Proletarius Manipulatus and I’m from South Ostia. Hi, Mom and Dad!”
CC: “What was your reaction to this execution?”
PM: “There was no doubt this was necessary. He had a really far-out philosophy and no respect for our leaders or our way of life at all. We don’t like to crucify people, but this had to be done.”
CC: “Okay, thank you. I guess you’d like to get back to your dice game now. That’s the way it is here, Wolfus; back to you…”
WB: “Thanks, Candius. We have in the studio retired Tribune Cranius Flabbius to help us understand the threat posed to our security by these Judean terrorists. Thanks for being here, Tribune Flabbius.”
CF: “My pleasure, Wolfus.”
WB: “There have been reports that this terrorist, Yeshua bar Joseph, and his gang advocated nonviolence. Do you think this is true? Were they nonviolent?”
CF: “My experience from time served in that region is that all these zealots are eventually dangerous and must be dealt with forcefully before they get out of hand. Besides, our Emperor Tiberius has proclaimed that these anti-Roman religious sects be pre-emptively eliminated before they pose trouble, so who are we to argue with that?”
WB: “Certainly the Emperor wouldn’t lie to us, but didn’t this man speak mainly of peace, love and forgiveness?”
CF: “What sane person, looking at the world the way it is — a jungle where we are beset by enemies and must be ready to defensively strike at any moment — would take such tripe seriously? No, I think Mr. bar Joseph was simply trying to lull us with this talk until he had consolidated his forces and was ready to attack us on the field of battle. Overwhelming power is the only thing these zealots understand.”
WB: “And a connection to this fanatic John the Baptist has been definitely established?”
CF: “Yes, our intelligence sources indicate that this so-called ‘man of peace’ participated in secret rituals with this John the Baptist, and John was such a peril to Judea that King Herod had him beheaded!”
WB: “I understand that this terrorist forgave his enemies before his death on the cross…”
CF: “I don’t find much credibility in that rumor: what normal man would forgive those responsible for killing him? By all accounts, this Yeshua was a very shrewd and crafty leader of an army of rabble who wanted to destroy all that we hold dear. Look at who he associated with: indigents, outcasts, tax collectors, even a prostitute — the dregs of society! Is this a man of the highest morals? Quite simply, he was trying to foment class and religious warfare, and I’m glad we took him out before he could do any more harm.”
WB: “Thanks for being with us and for your incisive analysis, Tribune Flabbius. Next on CNN, a debate on the death penalty — should we get rid of crucifixion and replace it with public evisceration? Join in our CNN/Rome Today poll, right after this…”