Americans Can Only Wonder: Do These People Live on Mars?
It was the usual March of the Condemned in Boca ‘Rat-tone,’ Florida Thursday night, only now the Republican Death Row has been pared down to five heads on the block. A brief rundown of the doomed:
Rudy Giuliani, his mouth so lipless and down-turned it looked as if he sucked on a cigar soaked in alum, added little to the GOP confab; his past reliance on ‘911, 911’ a joke even he can’t make with a straight face any longer. An outcast in ‘Rudy Country,’ now losing to McCain in his home state of New York, the unloved Brooklyn-born Vampire apparently just realized that, while the Sunshine State has a lot of ex-New Yorkers in residence, they are mostly Democrats who won’t be voting for him. Sure, long-time supporter Brother Jeb might be able to pull off a little quick-shuffle Florida Election Magic on his behalf, but what’s the point? He’s going to lose big everywhere else, and the Dems are drooling to face-off against the Manhattan Madman. Perhaps it’s dawned on GOP honchos that they don’t want a candidate in ’08 who might very well take a cell phone call from the wife during a debate because he thinks it’s cute, or one who’ll so rile up the Christian Fundies that they’ll stay home in droves, meaning popular Republican candidates for state offices might also get creamed along with the maniac at the top of the ticket. Next up for the G-Man: A run for governor of NY – which he’ll lose as well.
Mike Huckabee, the Playtex Living God warping his brain, once again hung off the end of the diving board over an empty ce-ment pond, shucking and jiving that Saddam’s non-existent WMD have to be somewhere, like missing Easter eggs (nothing like a quick reference, however obscure, to his ‘true’ Southern Baptist Christian faith). His occasional bouts of sanity are of late muddled by his lapses into the Land of Magical Thinking to suck in those Christopublicans he believes will catapult him to the nomination. That train has left the station, and Huckleberry was only hanging on to the caboose anyway, not having his ticket punched by Wall Street and the other corporate proprietors of the Republican franchise. His money is drying up and so is his campaign; it appears the Country Club Jesus has moved on and left Mike behind, his forehead stamped with three sixes.
John McCain shook his little fist and guaranteed the surge was working and that we would win in Iraq. (Yep, another hundred years there ought to do it.) This from the guy who bragged last year that the streets of Baghdad were so safe you could stroll down any street unguarded and then, on a junket ‘in country,’ wore a flak jacket while protected by a company of heavily-armed soldiers and attack helicopters when he visited an Arab bazaar outside the Green Zone. (You can roll your eyes now.) Then he babbled on about meeting soldiers in Iraq who want to stay there until the job’s finished; Cap’n Crunch apparently doesn’t realize those people were selected by a PR officer to say whatever he wanted to hear – you can bet the average grunt, speaking honestly, would tell him “Get me out of this hellhole, the sooner the better!” Conversely, maybe Johnny just made it all up, ‘straight talk’ not being his forte these days. Why he outright lied at least twice during the debate: Once denying his several quotes wherein he confessed he didn’t know much about the economy (but he’s reading Greenspan’s book, ha, ha); and again when he claimed Saddam was “hell-bent” on developing WMD and had programs cooking to accomplish that. Overall, McCain’s best moments came when he kept his mouth shut and just blinked angrily, grim-faced and gripping the podium like a whiskey-stunned Bull Halsey in a gale force wind.
Ron Paul slogged through yet another GOP debate, hacking away at the same-old-same-old dead GOP underbrush and suffering the pursed-lipped dismissal of Corporate Vassals Little Rusty the Beady-Eyed Shill and Biff the Broadcast News Anchorman, since he had something to say that didn’t agree with their employer’s plutocratic agenda. According to the MSNBC text poll, Paul won the night, but Chris “Wearin’ the Philly Wife-Beater” Matthews and the NBC Media Wizards chuckled over that minor victory — why even hold an ‘unscientific’ call-in poll if you’re going to laugh off the results? Romney no doubt hired peons to clock in and drag him up to second place in the poll, probably workers without documentation, taking a break from landscaping his estate. “Here’s an extra five bucks, Jose, punch the buttons for Mr. Mitt.”
Willy Mitt Romney, a constant reminder of the many uses of injection-mold plastic, offered his usual pole-up-the-wazoo performance, tickling the Big Media Punditocracy with his contortionist’s ability to twist himself into knots and still stay standing. He’s running against the last thirty years of ‘Washington,’ yet he’s going to be another ‘CEO president’! He’s an ’agent of change’ peddling even more tax cuts for rich dolts like himself to goose up the economy — yeah, that’s the ticket! We will stay in Iraq until we can’t squeeze another dime out of the place! Wahoo! Yet, with all of this GOP focus group putrescence spewing out of his mouth, he still made time to snicker that Hillary was out of touch with the American people. Willy Mitt’s full of roughly equal amounts of crap and money, which usually would be enough to land him the Republican nomination, if he didn’t remind even the GOP hardcore of Craftsman’s new Roger Robot with Laser Beam Eyes. Still, there’s a good chance he’ll just buy this thing with his own cash, a very unRepublican thing to do these days, but that’s how desperate Mitt is to ‘serve’ the public. (“It’s a cookbook!”) I can’t wait to see him, in debate with the Dem candidate, giggle about how ‘out of touch’ they are with the country as he touts himself as another Mighty Mouth ‘Republican bidnessman’ come to save the day with tax cuts, anti-abortion laws and more war. It will also be amusing to watch him sidle out of mentioning Bush by name, as he’s done in every one of these collective GOP press conferences so far.
The Tattlesnake – The (Yawn) GOP Debate From Outer Space Edition
Americans Can Only Wonder: Do These People Live on Mars?
It was the usual March of the Condemned in Boca ‘Rat-tone,’ Florida Thursday night, only now the Republican Death Row has been pared down to five heads on the block. A brief rundown of the doomed:
Rudy Giuliani, his mouth so lipless and down-turned it looked as if he sucked on a cigar soaked in alum, added little to the GOP confab; his past reliance on ‘911, 911’ a joke even he can’t make with a straight face any longer. An outcast in ‘Rudy Country,’ now losing to McCain in his home state of New York, the unloved Brooklyn-born Vampire apparently just realized that, while the Sunshine State has a lot of ex-New Yorkers in residence, they are mostly Democrats who won’t be voting for him. Sure, long-time supporter Brother Jeb might be able to pull off a little quick-shuffle Florida Election Magic on his behalf, but what’s the point? He’s going to lose big everywhere else, and the Dems are drooling to face-off against the Manhattan Madman. Perhaps it’s dawned on GOP honchos that they don’t want a candidate in ’08 who might very well take a cell phone call from the wife during a debate because he thinks it’s cute, or one who’ll so rile up the Christian Fundies that they’ll stay home in droves, meaning popular Republican candidates for state offices might also get creamed along with the maniac at the top of the ticket. Next up for the G-Man: A run for governor of NY – which he’ll lose as well.
Mike Huckabee, the Playtex Living God warping his brain, once again hung off the end of the diving board over an empty ce-ment pond, shucking and jiving that Saddam’s non-existent WMD have to be somewhere, like missing Easter eggs (nothing like a quick reference, however obscure, to his ‘true’ Southern Baptist Christian faith). His occasional bouts of sanity are of late muddled by his lapses into the Land of Magical Thinking to suck in those Christopublicans he believes will catapult him to the nomination. That train has left the station, and Huckleberry was only hanging on to the caboose anyway, not having his ticket punched by Wall Street and the other corporate proprietors of the Republican franchise. His money is drying up and so is his campaign; it appears the Country Club Jesus has moved on and left Mike behind, his forehead stamped with three sixes.
John McCain shook his little fist and guaranteed the surge was working and that we would win in Iraq. (Yep, another hundred years there ought to do it.) This from the guy who bragged last year that the streets of Baghdad were so safe you could stroll down any street unguarded and then, on a junket ‘in country,’ wore a flak jacket while protected by a company of heavily-armed soldiers and attack helicopters when he visited an Arab bazaar outside the Green Zone. (You can roll your eyes now.) Then he babbled on about meeting soldiers in Iraq who want to stay there until the job’s finished; Cap’n Crunch apparently doesn’t realize those people were selected by a PR officer to say whatever he wanted to hear – you can bet the average grunt, speaking honestly, would tell him “Get me out of this hellhole, the sooner the better!” Conversely, maybe Johnny just made it all up, ‘straight talk’ not being his forte these days. Why he outright lied at least twice during the debate: Once denying his several quotes wherein he confessed he didn’t know much about the economy (but he’s reading Greenspan’s book, ha, ha); and again when he claimed Saddam was “hell-bent” on developing WMD and had programs cooking to accomplish that. Overall, McCain’s best moments came when he kept his mouth shut and just blinked angrily, grim-faced and gripping the podium like a whiskey-stunned Bull Halsey in a gale force wind.
Ron Paul slogged through yet another GOP debate, hacking away at the same-old-same-old dead GOP underbrush and suffering the pursed-lipped dismissal of Corporate Vassals Little Rusty the Beady-Eyed Shill and Biff the Broadcast News Anchorman, since he had something to say that didn’t agree with their employer’s plutocratic agenda. According to the MSNBC text poll, Paul won the night, but Chris “Wearin’ the Philly Wife-Beater” Matthews and the NBC Media Wizards chuckled over that minor victory — why even hold an ‘unscientific’ call-in poll if you’re going to laugh off the results? Romney no doubt hired peons to clock in and drag him up to second place in the poll, probably workers without documentation, taking a break from landscaping his estate. “Here’s an extra five bucks, Jose, punch the buttons for Mr. Mitt.”
Willy Mitt Romney, a constant reminder of the many uses of injection-mold plastic, offered his usual pole-up-the-wazoo performance, tickling the Big Media Punditocracy with his contortionist’s ability to twist himself into knots and still stay standing. He’s running against the last thirty years of ‘Washington,’ yet he’s going to be another ‘CEO president’! He’s an ’agent of change’ peddling even more tax cuts for rich dolts like himself to goose up the economy — yeah, that’s the ticket! We will stay in Iraq until we can’t squeeze another dime out of the place! Wahoo! Yet, with all of this GOP focus group putrescence spewing out of his mouth, he still made time to snicker that Hillary was out of touch with the American people. Willy Mitt’s full of roughly equal amounts of crap and money, which usually would be enough to land him the Republican nomination, if he didn’t remind even the GOP hardcore of Craftsman’s new Roger Robot with Laser Beam Eyes. Still, there’s a good chance he’ll just buy this thing with his own cash, a very unRepublican thing to do these days, but that’s how desperate Mitt is to ‘serve’ the public. (“It’s a cookbook!”) I can’t wait to see him, in debate with the Dem candidate, giggle about how ‘out of touch’ they are with the country as he touts himself as another Mighty Mouth ‘Republican bidnessman’ come to save the day with tax cuts, anti-abortion laws and more war. It will also be amusing to watch him sidle out of mentioning Bush by name, as he’s done in every one of these collective GOP press conferences so far.