Non-Democrat Related Darwin Awards
“Since this edition of YOS is about stupidly suicidal Dems, he thought you’d relate to this then…”
(From an E sent to Scribe… Note: after publishing this Scribe learned for a reader… Thanks Sanity! …that the more recent ones are HERE. As Scribe said to Sanity. once he found out…)
Never let it be said that an older brother; especially one who passes such things on as “new,” is always the wiser brother.
The 2007 Darwin Awards
Yes, it’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
(Scribe did edit one out he knew was an urban legend: the one about the guy sucking out the septic of an RV. It’s an old, rotted, chestnut… and even if it were true, certainly not “new,” by any means.)
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family… unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember… They walk among us!!! ***
Comedy News 2007 Darwin Awards
Now, here we go AGAIN with another edition of Democrats enabling ReTHUGlican strategy. Thanks Guys and Gal!
More Than a Little Sore About Our New Thesaurus
(Note: as far as Scribe is concerned, this election year it seems the Dems: especially Hillary, Barack and some of their over zealous supporters, deserve a political Darwin Award. Hence the inspiration for this column.)
How did Scribe miss this? Considering himself always up to date with the newest usage; he never realized his current; primary, sin has been in not using proper syntax. So, as a free service to humanity, Scribe offers a brief preview of a Thesaurus providing new: up to date; racially, sexually and theistically correct syntax.
Calling someone a “kid,” or one’s candidacy a “fairy tale,” is the exact same thing as calling him “boy.”
“Code” and “word,” when put together means you have the divine power to read minds and intent, plus rewrite dictionaries to mean whatever the hell you want them to mean; so with your superpowers you can cast your opponent as a racist… or whatever.
“Puppet” or “marionette” is synonymous with “supporter of another candidate who attacks me.” They never, EVER, think for themselves: say or do things other then what their master (or mistress) has programmed into them. Perfect; flawlessly performing, robots.
“Clinton” is the same word as phony, also manipulating: never to be used in conjuction with reasonable, compromise or change of heart. These two aren’t human, after all… just caricatures: never anything more. Oh, and thanks for spouting Right Wing talking points in advance: winky winky.
“Crying” means “unfit to be president.” (This one Scribe was aware of, he just didn’t realize how much it had soaked into the syntax.)
“Losing” (as in ” a primary”) is the antonym of “civility.” One doesn’t need to stick around and congratulate the winner. On to the next contest!
“Flag amendment” and “Iraq War,” never can be used in conjunction with “Hillary supported.”
“Racist” ALWAYS means “white.” Racism has nothing to do with either prejudice or attitude, and everything to do with how much power Whitey has. (Thanks, Mark Thompson! Scribe didn’t realize that.)
(Now what any of the above has to do with issues or winning a campaign, or taking back the White House, Scribe is not sure. But, hey, since Hillary and Brarack are doing it, must be what we should be talking about, right? And, notice: the Republican’s agree! Ain’t that sweet? Scribe is just SO sure they have our best interests at heart in encouraging all this, just like their willing puppies, the mainstream: Pravda like, media. Ziggy heil to you guys too! Smoochie, smoocies!)
So now that the candidates seem eager to prove that; unless they are a Junior controlled clone, neither a woman or an African American should be president because they are inferior by nature, let’s cover some Republican, “absolutely proven true,” “truisms,” synonyms and phrases that supposedly mean the same thing…
“It was never about Liberals, or Conservatives. It was about the Clintons and how they smeared the good name of poor Ken Starr…”
(Actual close to perfect Reich Wingnut talking head quote where afterward it was “proved” that they also destroyed Monica, Vince Foster, love terrorists, were to blame for Britney Spears and, finally, both kidnapped and tormented Junior’s beloved dog Barney. OK, Scribe added and went too far by adding those last two. Maybe. Maybe NOT. Oh, and also ask Susan McDougal what a perfect gentleman Starr was by forcing prison officials to keep her where women who murdered their husbands and children were kept until she spouted whatever lie he told her to testify to. So “understanding.” So “compassionate.” DAMN YOU BILL CLINTON FOR SOILING THE NAME OF SUCH A SAINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And curse you Susan for not rolling over like an abused, whipped and compliant, puppy. How DARE you make Scribe love you for your patriotism?)
“Habeas Corpus” is the same thing as Junior’s absolute divine right to make “corpses for, and of, us” whenever that sadistic lump of coal of his that some dare call a heart desires.
“Amending the Constitution to God’s standards” is the same thing as “I would never use the auspices of government to push my faith.” (Thanks Huck! Tom Sawyer misses you and hopes you never told your Southern Baptist wife about the two of you. But who cares. Women have to be subservient, don’t they? Kisses and hugs, Huck!)
Waterboarding, locking in small metal cells under high heat, electric shocks to the testicles are “enhanced interrogation techniques.”
Torture? There is no such word, at least not when a Republican is in office. Except when it is done to us… then the bar must be lowered to “daring to disagree.”
“Padilla” is synonymous with “didn’t your Momma tell you you must eat your VEGETABLES?” Also: citizens have no rights, only Republicans in power. See Rude Rudy’s statement…
Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do and how you do it.
Killing little children and pregnant mothers with depleted uraniums, bombs, bullets to the head or through the womb is the same as “fighting terrorism.”
“Schiavo” is synonymous with “some vegetables have more of a right to ‘life’ than breathing, living, human beings with a functional brain.”
So Scribe is glad he got a chance to offer at least a few selections. He’s sure that, once Neo-Cons have retained the throne, all this will be straightened out. He’s also sure that Hillary, Barack and their angry callers to talk shows agree with this. After all, they’d rather point at each other in this sandbox and accuse the other of having bad motives; or using some “code word” that the accuser insists HAS TO MEAN WHAT THEY SAY IT MEANS, than win an election, right?
Note: some days Scribe wishes they would both go away and just allow President Gore to attempt to get back what was stolen from him. After all, getting rid of this fascistic coup is going to be hard enough… do we HAVE TO do their work for them?