Glenn Beck: “Hand, you are my only friend, the only one who always agrees with me and loves me without question. Hand, I will always stick with, and to, you forever.”
Wolf Blitzer: “Somebody adjust my pole NOW! Adjust the pole NOW!”
Tom Brokaw: “Shay, where doesh Russert keep hish got-damned vodka hidden?”
George W. Bush: “How can they say I’m not popular – just look at this crowd of smilin’ people applaudin’ me. Okay, what time do we leave the Rose Garden and go make that speech at the Heritage Foundation?”
Poppy Bush: “It’s a hell of a way to show your oldest boy you disapprove of him, I say – all this chumming up to Bill Clinton and endorsing John McCain and so forth – but it must be done and when something hard must be done, I’m just the gent to do it.”
Hillary Clinton: “This poll says that most voters think I’m too bossy, calculating and harsh. You people better find a way to make me look authentic and soften my image or you’re all fired!”
Larry Craig: “It’s always ‘use a condom, Larry, use a condom, Larry’ with guys like you – like I do this all the time in men’s rooms or something.”
John Gibson: “Gee, I wish we had a War on Christmas all year long.”
Mike Huckabee: “Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle built for two – where the hell is the goddamned Christian base hiding?”
John Kerry: “I’m going to help Barack fight for every vote – just like I did in 2004!”
Rush Limbaugh: “You boys take your clothes off while I put some of this special sugar in the Kool-Aid. Yeah, heh, heh, ‘sugar’.”
Chris Matthews: “You gotta nice smile, kid, you gotta gorgeous face, what are you 16, 17 years old? You gotta big future — you’ll do good in the TV business. HAH! Here, turn around so I can get a good look at your backside…the twenty bucks is on the dresser.”
John McCain: “Did I have an affair with that lobbyist in 2000? Wow, what a sex machine I was eight years ago!”
Barack Obama: “Don’t forget: Cleavon Little DID clean up that town.”
Keith Olbermann: “One more Britney Spears story and I’m buying the sniper rifle.”
Bill O’Reilly: “You know, the blacks they have this new thing they call the blues, or maybe the rhythm and blues – I think I’ll try it out but, if it isn’t up to my standards, it may be time to fetch the rope.”
Dan Rather: “Crap, next I’ll be doing the jewelry report on the Home Shopping Channel.”
Tim Russert: “Who’s got my vodka? Who the hell’s got my got-damned VODKA?!”
Brian Williams: “Bring me my eyebrow grease, pronto!”
The Tattlesnake – What They Say in Private Edition
Glenn Beck: “Hand, you are my only friend, the only one who always agrees with me and loves me without question. Hand, I will always stick with, and to, you forever.”
Wolf Blitzer: “Somebody adjust my pole NOW! Adjust the pole NOW!”
Tom Brokaw: “Shay, where doesh Russert keep hish got-damned vodka hidden?”
George W. Bush: “How can they say I’m not popular – just look at this crowd of smilin’ people applaudin’ me. Okay, what time do we leave the Rose Garden and go make that speech at the Heritage Foundation?”
Poppy Bush: “It’s a hell of a way to show your oldest boy you disapprove of him, I say – all this chumming up to Bill Clinton and endorsing John McCain and so forth – but it must be done and when something hard must be done, I’m just the gent to do it.”
Hillary Clinton: “This poll says that most voters think I’m too bossy, calculating and harsh. You people better find a way to make me look authentic and soften my image or you’re all fired!”
Larry Craig: “It’s always ‘use a condom, Larry, use a condom, Larry’ with guys like you – like I do this all the time in men’s rooms or something.”
John Gibson: “Gee, I wish we had a War on Christmas all year long.”
Mike Huckabee: “Jesus H. Christ on a bicycle built for two – where the hell is the goddamned Christian base hiding?”
John Kerry: “I’m going to help Barack fight for every vote – just like I did in 2004!”
Rush Limbaugh: “You boys take your clothes off while I put some of this special sugar in the Kool-Aid. Yeah, heh, heh, ‘sugar’.”
Chris Matthews: “You gotta nice smile, kid, you gotta gorgeous face, what are you 16, 17 years old? You gotta big future — you’ll do good in the TV business. HAH! Here, turn around so I can get a good look at your backside…the twenty bucks is on the dresser.”
John McCain: “Did I have an affair with that lobbyist in 2000? Wow, what a sex machine I was eight years ago!”
Barack Obama: “Don’t forget: Cleavon Little DID clean up that town.”
Keith Olbermann: “One more Britney Spears story and I’m buying the sniper rifle.”
Bill O’Reilly: “You know, the blacks they have this new thing they call the blues, or maybe the rhythm and blues – I think I’ll try it out but, if it isn’t up to my standards, it may be time to fetch the rope.”
Dan Rather: “Crap, next I’ll be doing the jewelry report on the Home Shopping Channel.”
Tim Russert: “Who’s got my vodka? Who the hell’s got my got-damned VODKA?!”
Brian Williams: “Bring me my eyebrow grease, pronto!”