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Where Government is Tiny and Everything is Privatized…

“Hello, Commercial Water Distribution Corporation, how can I help you?”

“Hi, my name is…”

“Got it right here on the AT&T surveillance screen: Winston Smith, 1984 Enron Lane, Planktonville. You’ve got a wife and two kids, work two full-time jobs, one at the Mega Mall on Route 15 and the other at the Burger Bandit, and you earn a collective total yearly wage of $41,000, and you had what you thought was a bad case of the flu last week but was actually food poisoning from that meatloaf your wife made from downed-cattle beef that wasn’t inspected by the USDA. What can I do for you, sir?”

“Jesus, you got all that from my phone number? Anyway, look, since you took over our municipal water system last month, my water bill has shot up from ten bucks a month to fifty. How do you expect working people to afford this? This is an outrage!”

“That’s the cost of making your water system more efficient and profitable.”

“More efficient?! Since you took over the water is brown and rusty-tasting – it used to be clear and sweet!”

“I assure you, sir, reputable scientists have certified that the water coming out of your pipes is absolutely safe to drink.”

“What scientists?”

“Scientists from the Independent Water Institute.”

“I heard about that group – it’s owned by the for-profit water industry – in other words, it’s owned by your company and other companies like it.”

“Be that as it may, it is now the only organization that certifies safe drinking water, since we finally managed to drown government, and their scientists, in a bathtub some years ago – not to make a water-related joke. You should be happy that all of America is an unregulated competitive free trade zone these days.”

“This isn’t free trade, this is crazy – you don’t have any competition!”

“CWDC is run by some very smart people who bought out the competition – it’s all completely legal and aboveboard.”

“Yeah, well, nobody asked me if I wanted a privatized water system!”

“According to your records, you’ve voted straight Republican since you first cast a ballot in 1980. What did you think you were voting for? Didn’t you want the government off your back?”

“How do you know how I voted? Never mind. The point is: I wasn’t voting for them to sell off the local water system and raise my water bill to $50 a month!”

“Gee, maybe you should have thought about that before you voted for them, huh?”

“My wife and I are both working two lousy low-paying jobs just to keep our home and family together – we can’t afford fifty bucks a month for water!”

“I guess I should mention here that next month CWDC is taking over your city’s sewage treatment plant, so you’ll have to pay an additional $25 per month if you want to flush your toilet or use your drains.”

“WHAT – I can’t afford the fifty for water! How am I’m going to afford that?!”

“Well, my suggestion is either learn how to do without, or put your 7-year-old boy to work – maybe he can get a paper route or something.”

“Do without water?! Put my son to work?! Why you little –”

“Sorry, sir, I have another call coming in. Thanks for calling Commercial Water Distribution Corporation, we are always glad to hear from you.” (Click.)