July 24, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Humor You Can Use Edition

Or: Further Examples of Why It’s Hard to Write Satire These Days

“Don’t you sometimes wonder if it’s worth all this?”
– Rick Blaine (Humphrey Bogart) from the film “Casablanca,” 1942.

Be Careful What You Wish For: Republicans snickered and goaded Obama over not visiting the Middle East; Obama took the bait, called their bluff, and turned the trip into a three-point photo-op score showing him looking presidential with various world leaders and greeting smiling US troops. For a bonus, he even got an endorsement from Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki for his 16-month Iraq troop withdrawal plan, leaving Blinky McCain to impotently twist in the wind. Obama also defined the role of a US commander-in-chief in strong Trumanesque terms – no more of the weak Bush Boy’s lame ‘I’ll leave it to the generals to tell me what my policy is’ nonsense. Meanwhile, back stateside, Ol’ Crazy-Eyes is left with egg dripping off of his face, peevishly grousing about the amount of media coverage Obama is receiving and whining that The New York Times won’t publish his op-ed wherein he waves the bloody flag of victory in Iraq without bothering to define it.

12-Step On You Program: “Wall Street got drunk,” dribbled our Worst President Ever last Friday trying to explain why the country’s headed into its second Great Depression. Gee, how’d that happen, Junior? Was Cheney providing them with firewater while you were on vacation in Crawford, recovering from your ‘hard work’ vacationing in Washington? Remember when this goof was advertised as the first MBA president? Was that ‘MBA’ as in ‘Master of Bumbling Assessments’? Oh, brother.

Hit and Run Off at the Mouth: Creature of the Night Bob Novak emerged from the Soil of his GOP Homeland recently to float the story that McCain was going to name his Veep pick this week in a desperate attempt to counteract the massive media coverage of Barack Obama’s overseas trip. Then the Prince of Darkness flipped later in the week, and claimed he thought the Republicans may have played him and the story wasn’t legitimate after all. “Pretty reprehensible,” is the hilarious way Bob the Impaler described the possible McCain camp attempts to ‘use’ him to garner publicity for their candidate. Imagine that – Rove’s Water Boy on the Plame leak and the shoehorn for scores of other GOP-inspired balderdash entering the media mainstream ‘shocked, shocked’ to discover gambling at Rick’s Café. Roll your eyes and laugh, children.

Incidentally, it’s been reported that BYOB-Bob hit a guy on a bicycle in Dee Cee July 23rd hard enough to send the man to the hospital. When the police questioned Count Novakula, he claimed he wasn’t aware he had hit anything in his low-riding Corvette while witnesses say the man rolled up right onto The Undead’s windshield. So far, the Faithful Scribe of the Elite Radical Right has only been nailed with a slap-on-the-wrist ‘failure to yield right of way’ ticket – of course, a Sad Sack Member of the Great Unwashed would have been in plastic handcuffs on a serious hit and run charge. Perhaps Bobbo will cite the ever-expanding magic of Executive Privilege and not even show up in court to answer for the failure to yield beef.

McCain’s probably not going to announce his VP this week, but, courtesy of the Big Ace, here’s a brief rundown of who’s going to make it, who’s not and why:

SEN. JOHN THUNE – Who? Practically unknown short-timer from a small electoral vote state that McCain’s likely going to win anyway. No.
MITT ROMNEY – What, and hand the Dems ready-made oppo ads from the GOP debates? And there’s the ‘Mormon’ thing. Besides, McCain despises the idiot. Nope.
ROB PORTMAN – Most of Tabloid America will wonder if that’s Natalie’s brother. He has no following save the vapid Pundit Class in Washington. Nah.
GOV. CHARLIE CRIST – The popularity of Florida’s Golden Boy in his home state has been vastly overrated and cracks are beginning to show, especially over his flip-flop on offshore drilling. Taint in the cards, son.
MIKE HUCKABEE – Would outshine McNasty and might not even win Arkansas or the Fundy Christians. Fergit it, Bubba.
GOV. BOBBY JINDAL – The inept Young Republican Gunga Din is in trouble in home state Louisiana, fighting off a recall petition, aside from not knowing his hind end from a roadside ditch. Mais non, monsieur!
GEN. DAVID PETRAEUS – Politically ambitious Surge Protector Petraeus is smarter than to hitch his wagon to an Old War Horse who’ll be limping in the stretch. That’s a big negatory, sir, over and out.
TOM RIDGE – The ex-Penn State Governor and Junior’s former Homeland Security chief is Johnny’s kind of guy, particularly on the Fear and National Security ticket that is McCain’s last faint hope. Bet the farm on Tom-Tom playing co-pilot to Cap’n Crash this fall.


  1. Well done.

    Comment by Rainlander — July 24, 2008 @ 8:17 pm

  2. Just goes to show, an a**hole driving a corvette is still just an a**hole.

    Comment by greyhawk — July 25, 2008 @ 1:43 pm

  3. It’s a perfect microcosm: rich and well-known neocon GOP a-hole hits a homeless man, homeless man rolls right up on his windshield, and the neocon GOP a-hole says he didn’t see a thing.

    Comment by RS Janes — July 26, 2008 @ 10:12 am

  4. Yeah,the Prince of Darkness was fined $50 for failure to yield.
    This is Novacula’s second hit and run.

    Comment by Rainlander — July 26, 2008 @ 12:54 pm

  5. Time to take away the keys from Mr. Alucard. No more fun, fun, fun running down homeless folks! Maybe that witness could sell him a nice bicycle with racing stripes.

    Comment by RS Janes — July 27, 2008 @ 9:48 am

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