August 30, 2008

The Tattlesnake – The Beauty and the Beast, GOP-Style Edition

Or, A McMania Named Desire

“Wonder if he’s going to have her go compete in the ‘Miss Buffalo Chip’ contest?”
– Comment by jfredmuggs at Common Dreams, Aug. 29, 2008.

It was highly entertaining to watch the Pundit Crews on cable news work themselves into a case of the vapors Friday morning, frantically trying to figure out which human sacrifice McCainiac would condemn as his Veep. Some of the Big Media Brains went agog for Tim Pawlenty; others assured the viewers Mitt Romney would probably emerge as The Choice, even while admitting that the hulking shadow of Tom Ridge continued to lurk in the wings. By later in the AM, Pawlenty and Romney were pushed overboard, leaving Ridge or – could it be? — the ‘maverick’ pick of McCain toady Joe Lieberman, still standing.

Yep, even Your Intrepid Tattler thought it would likely be Ridge carrying Johnny Mac’s coat, but that was because, like the Punditocracy, I gave credit to the Old Gluehorse for a residue of sanity, not recognizing McCain is no longer functioning in that psychological state – he’s been driven stone crazy by his own blind ambition to be president, and perhaps a touch of incipient senility. (After all, this is a man who has publicly contradicted himself twice in one day, embraces those who viciously slander him, occasionally goes blank on simple questions, and now opposes most everything he stood for in 2000.)

Seen in that light, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin makes perfect sense. You can imagine the sludgy gears of cynicism turning in McDuffer’s head, or, more likely, one of his Rove-trained staff: “We aren’t exciting the GOP base or doing that well among independents, and that damned Obama just cleaned our clock last night in a speech where he looked like the second coming of JFK – we’ve got to dominate the next news cycle so the Talking Heads don’t have time to praise him, and pick off those millions of Hillary voters we’re convinced will vote for us. What to do, what to do? Hey, how about that gal from Alaska? She’s a good-looker — might sucker in the young studs — and women are so dumb they’ll vote for any female over a young black guy and an old white fart – uh, you know what I mean – any day of the week. Ha, ha, we’ll call her a ‘feminist’ just to confuse ‘em! Plus she’s got that whole conservative family values stuff going on – Jesus, FIVE kids and she’s only 44! — so that can’t hurt. She’s tight with Big Oil, too, another plus, and she’ll do what she’s told, just like Alberto and Harriet. Get that Sarah what’s-her-name up in Alaska on the horn!”

But just who is this Sarah Palin, McCain’s new Minute Maid of America? Let’s put up the major points: She won the Miss Wasilla beauty pageant and was a Miss Alaska finalist; she has a BA in journalism from Cabin Fever University; she’s been Governor of Alaska for 18 months and hasn’t done much except concoct schemes to pump more oil and natural gas; she’s an evangelical Christian who endorses teaching Creationism; she opposes women’s rights; she’s against gay rights; members of her family work for Big Oil; she likes to hunt, fish and eat moose meat; she loves guns and has a platinum NRA card; she’s a hockey nut who once wanted to be an ESPN sportscaster; she has a weird antipathy to polar bears; she continues to support corrupt Alaska Republicans like Sen. Ted Stevens; she’s embroiled in a possible abuse of power scandal in her home state; in high school, she acquired the nickname ‘Sarah Barracuda’ for her fierce need to demolish the competition in girl’s basketball, a trait she brought with her to the governor’s office; she named her eldest son ‘Track’ for some mysterious reason; she voted for Pat Buchanan in 2000 and now ferociously supports Junior — in other words, she’s a Republican man, except for the beauty pageant competitions but, no doubt, some GOP men would enjoy that as well, if they could find a key to free them from the Heritage Foundation’s walk-in closet. A well-known Republican woman who most closely displays the interior landscape of Sarah Palin would be Phyllis Schafly of the Eagle Forum.

“Give the old feller credit, though. He found a high-profile Alaskan Republican who doesn’t have a standing weekly appointment with the FBI.”
– Charles Pierce, Altercation, Aug. 29, 2008.

When the news broke yesterday, the surprised BM floundered as to what the Approved Echo Chamber Conventional Wisdom would be on Palin’s pick, finally nodding in agreement that she has a ‘compelling life story.’ She does, in a lightheaded, queasy, Lifetime made-for-TV-movie sort of way, starring Julia-Louis Dreyfus, or maybe Valerie Bertinelli, in “Portrait of Sarah: From Wasilla to Washington,” brought to you by Yaz birth control pills, Mentos, and Eskimo Pie.

Fred Barnes over at The Weekly Standard last year described the ex-beauty queen as “a politician of eye-popping integrity,” although maybe it wasn’t her ‘integrity’ that was making lonely Fred’s neocon eyes pop, and this may have been the same below-the-beltway attraction that inspired the dirty ol’ Ancient Mariner to select her as his VP – the flyboy has a thing for beauty contestants it seems.

On MSNBC’s Race to the White House yesterday, breathless incubus David Gregory found Palin’s pick “very exciting,” and he complimented McCain for “pulling off something pretty good here,” while Pat Buchanan gushed that she’s a “conservative feminist” and a gun-totin’ Frank Frazetta-ish “Princess of the Right.” (‘Conservative feminist’ — you mean like Ann Coulter? Oh, brother.)

And let’s not forget that McCain has such high regard for his nation – Country First! — that he actually talked to Palin twice before naming her!

Slicing this up and looking at it from every angle, this is a Blunder of Katrina Proportions for McCain – Hillary voters are going to run screaming from Palin once they get a gander at her ultra-conservative Buchananite record, independents will sensibly go “WTF?” and Bible-literalist Christopublicans won’t cotton to a wife who wears the New Age pants in the family, as Sarah apparently does. (Some of them may even impute scary lesbianism to her Great White North tomboy lifestyle.)

It might be recalled, incidentally, that Dayton, Ohio, is the home of Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, the alleged location of Hangar 18 where, so the legend goes, the dead bodies of space aliens and other flying saucer detritus from the notorious 1947 Roswell, NM, UFO crash were taken.

What an appropriate location for McCain to announce this peculiar VP choice (cue The Twilight Zone theme).

This year, you can spell defeat ‘McCain-Palin ’08.’

(BTW, don’t even think of voting for this disaster until you’ve read “McSexist: McCain’s War on Women,” by Kate Sheppard at In These Times.)

Finally, a test question: Which character from The Simpsons do you think Palin sounds more like: Edna Krabappel the schoolteacher, or Ned Flanders’ wife Maude?

Quote Corner:

“From an AP report in 1999:
“‘Pat Buchanan brought his conservative message of a smaller government and an America First foreign policy to Fairbanks and Wasilla on Friday as he continued a campaign swing through Alaska. Buchanan’s strong message championing states rights resonated with the roughly 85 people gathered for an Interior Republican luncheon in Fairbanks. . Among those sporting Buchanan buttons were Wasilla Mayor Sarah Palin and state Sen. Jerry Ward, R-Anchorage.’”
– Christopher Hayes in “Sarah Palin, Buchananite,” The Nation, Aug. 29, 2008.

“Sarah Palin is the inexperienced woman Sen. John McCain has chosen as his running mate, hoping that she will attract the vital female vote. It’s the worst kind of affirmative action, choosing a person he barely knows, who is completely unprepared to assume any national office. It’s like nominating Clarence Thomas for the Supreme Court. It’s all about ideology and not about competence.
“To put it bluntly, Sarah Palin is no Hillary Clinton. Nor does she have the vision and brilliance of Barack Obama. This is an incredible insult to most American women. Just how stupid does he think we are?”
– Ruth Rosen, “Sarah Palin and Feminists for Life,” TPM Cafe, Aug. 29, 2008.

“McCain picks a female Dan Quayle for VP???
“Give me a break.
“Do the republicans think that all women are interchangeable…what an insult.”
– Comment by Kat, quoted at Aug. 29, 2008.

“She’s worse than Quayle.” [...]
“She’s easily the least experienced running mate in recent memory, which is pretty scary, given McCain’s age and his history of cancer.”
– Trapper John, Daily Kos, Aug. 29, 2008.

“She hunts moose at 3:00am.”
– Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-MIA), admiring Palin’s readiness for higher office. [What about squirrel, Boris?]

“It’s important that America has a vice president who has eaten a mooseburger.”
– Some GOP dude on CNN searching for the good news and how to spin the disaster of McCain picking Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his VP, from Bart at, Aug. 29, 2008.


  1. This has Me stupefied,really.
    The only conceivable advantage Palin brings is,and yes it makes me sound the mysogonist that she is a woman.
    I have come to believe that Rove,Cheney,Robertson,Norquist,Novack,Haggee,Dobson and the rest of the thinktankers see Hillary’s appeal stems purely from being a woman.
    Thats all,Otherwise McCain would have picked a swinging dick with some star-quality say that asshole Gerald MacRaney or the other famous draft dodger chickenhawk Ted Nugent.
    The only other thing that is plausible is that Sarah was appointed by the Oil Companies.

    Comment by Rainlander — August 31, 2008 @ 8:28 am

  2. I don’t think Senator Clinton cracked the glass ceiling so that woman could break it and drop 18 million shards on the women below her.

    Comment by greyhawk — August 31, 2008 @ 3:07 pm

  3. Rain, I think you’re right on both counts. McCain and his team are not big thinkers and it seems they believe that just having a woman — any woman — on the ballot is good for a few million votes, no matter what she believes. But it’s also true that Palin is in bed — ahem — with Big Oil up in AK. Forget that ‘reformer’ crapola — any major GOP pol in Alaska is owned by big energy corporations.

    Greyhawk, good comment — Hillary has a record of extending the ladder so other women have a chance to climb higher; Christopublican fruitcake Palin is against women’s rights — except her own.

    Comment by RS Janes — August 31, 2008 @ 5:50 pm

  4. I re-read the above and the comments from the
    plaunditto’s about hunting Moose(I have in My younger days and it is quite like hitting the broadside of a bullet with a barn,I’ll always regret the act,Taking the life of a majestic animal who had as much chance against me as a
    ladybug made me feel hollow inside which brings me to…)
    Mooseburger is as laughable a concept as grinding up an abrams tank and serving it between two buns,
    My Moose was so tough that the dogs suffered through the eating and the resulting elimination of it,howling and shaking.
    We donated the remainder to the needy unemployed Reagan lumberjacks and they were not terribly amused,
    Not having teeth and such.

    Thank You both for the comments.
    Grey however,You make a compelling point.
    Hillary would not do as You said but Palin would do it to further Her own aims and at the end of the day may be just what these heartless,hopeless,helpless pissbags are aiming at.
    I know it sounds like a tinfoil argument but how many times in the past and against how many
    of their hated inferiors have we seen this tactic used?
    I have to wonder if the participants of the culture of corruption were not led down the path
    like a lamb to slaughter,just to prove a point.
    Either way so much for the thousand year reich.
    It just happend to stick to the mudslingers.
    If you aint a wealthy hetero male white supremist then you aint shit and deserve what they do to yuh attitude.

    Meh,its a thought.

    Comment by Rainlander — August 31, 2008 @ 8:04 pm

  5. Rain, I’ve never shot a moose, but I understand they weigh in about 700-1,000 lbs. and are hard to bring down unless you have a large caliber rifle.

    I lived in Michigan for a while, in a cabin on a nice lake not far from Petosky. My neighbor was a wealthy Detroit doctor’s son who had decided to drop out and live in the family vacation home. (It was a nice split-level house in the woods.) This guy was an avid hunter and shot a full-grown moose. He had it skinned and butchered, and ended up with a large freezer full of moose meat, as well as part of his kitchen refrigerator’s ice box. He was constantly trying to give the stuff away.

    He kept inviting us over to dinner — he’d say “Hey, c’mon over tonight for a steak dinner!” But it was a con job — he served moose steaks which, as you say, you could wear out a serrated knife trying to cut, much less eat. (I managed to force down about half of the ‘steak,’ but I felt like I needed a jaw realignment afterwards.) He also ground it up with an industrial meat grinder and made chili, stew, spaghetti sauce, you-name-it with moose meat. No matter what he did to it, how he seasoned it, it still had that nasty, gamey taste and shoeleather consistency. I can’t imagine anyone sane wanting a bowl of moose stew. (There are now some questions arising over whether Palin’s as much of a hunter and fisher as she pretends. Good for the political bio in Alaska, but is she really that gung-ho, or just posing?)

    Naturally, our elite Big Media dopes have never tried moose meat, so they’re very impressed. If they had, they’d be asking her “Moose meat?! Are you for real?”

    Comment by RS Janes — September 1, 2008 @ 5:20 pm

  6. RSJ,
    The 45/70 is what I used when I played Bungalow Bill but the 12 guage was the usual weapon of choice for me,so versatile,from slugs to 00 to
    steel shot for the birdies.
    My first day out and I must have got a dozen grouse,so I come up to the carpark with the brace in one hand and the shotgun in the other.
    This old timer sidles up rolling his eyes and asking if I had a big day of it,eh? as he eyed my shotgun.
    I allowed i had but it was a long one and I let him know that the grouse had been a challenge.
    He rolls his eyes some more and calls for his grandson to come over then he sends him off and shortly this little seven or eight year old has a ruffed grouse with a broken neck in his hand.
    I asked him,how he did that?
    With a stick,he says,but a rock will do if you throw it just right.
    Pretty soon the whole park was hanging around whooping it up
    and trying to get me drunk on that crappy canadian beer,I was accepted that day and from that day on i was known as flatlander.
    Mountain folk are the best.

    Comment by Rainlander — September 1, 2008 @ 6:13 pm

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