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VP Wannabe Gov. Appalling Palin…

“(When it comes to the oil crisis…) …we need to lay more pipe, and as my daughter proves, we know how to lay pipe!”

(Scribe Post-It Note: the first part of this was oddly edited out of the official version of the text: but she did say it. Guess they thought there might be a problem with her mentioning the “lay pipe” phrase. But it was there. Scribe has REALLY good ears and KNOWS what he hears.)

“That (Alaskan Gov.) luxury jet was over the top. I put it on eBay. Made lotsa cash. Poured into my campaign and brothels: all for hubbie so he wouldn’t notice my growing stud-farm.”

“And I accept the privilege of serving with a man who has come through much harder missions … and met far graver challenges … and knows how tough fights are won — by playing kissyface with the very man who claimed he had an illegitimate black baby! Now there’s a great example of ‘GOP ethics!’”

“And despite fierce opposition from oil company lobbyists… we give them everything they ask, expect nothing in return, defend them at every ‘insolent’ remark, bend over at every request… then claim to resist them. Welcome to Rove-speak 101!”

“In our family, it’s two boys and three girls in between — my strong, quite sexy and kindhearted daughters Bristol, Willow, and Piper. See… here are their very hot pictures. Hey, who in the HELL slipped in the picture taken of the moment of conception now showing on the big screen? (Loud, unison, rubbing sound coming from the male portion of the convention makes rest of audio inaudible.)”

“For a lifetime, John McCain has inspired with his deeds… killing our own soldiers with his inept piloting and being the enemy’s bitch: just what we need for America!”

“And maybe that’s because they realize there is a time for politics and a time for leadership … a time to campaign and a time to put our country first. So now’s the time to fake compassion for hurricane victims. Not BEFORE, NOW!!! Not BEFORE, NOW!!! Not BEFORE, NOW!!! (Convention chants along with her.)”

(Oh, now you’re interested, cake in mouth McCain… after all the dead, floating, bloated bodies and Blackwater murdered residents who would STILL be waiting for those promised Kingston Trio MTA-like buses, post Katrina, huh? -YOS.)

“And children with special needs inspire a special love. VERY special love. Wait, who the %$#@ put up the picture of our ‘love’ room for young children in the cellar. That’s a G%$#@N family matter!”

“(Referring to her son’s ‘abilities’ and ‘talents.’) Throw in his Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry, and it all makes for quite a package… take that from a women whose daughters know a lot about ‘packages.’”

“And among the many things I owe them is one simple lesson: that this is America, and every woman can walk through every door of opportunity… and right out the window of GOP supported corporate unequal pay and access. Look at the sexy bodies faaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllll…..”

“A writer observed: ‘We grow good people in our small towns, with honesty, sincerity, and dignity…’ I grew up with those people. They are the ones who do some of the hardest work in America … who grow our food, run our factories, and fight our wars. So John and I are going to make damn sure they’re paid less, die more in senseless wars and help enrich our good ole boy buddies in the upper class! Ha, ha, chuckle, snort, wheeze… wait, is this damn thing still on? (Looking at microphone: puzzled, with a ‘dumb blond who really isn’t blond’ type look.)”

“Our nominee doesn’t run with the Washington herd: he just allows himself to be pooped on by them and votes with them: damn near every time. He wallows in it. Kisses their uncleaned rears… ‘Yeas, Master, I’s dos have an il-lah-gi-tah-mat Blacks babys.’”

“Our family has the same ups and downs as any other: downs, ups, and downs, up and downs, upndownnupndownnupndwnnup… heh, heh (hands under hiked skirt). Damn it, is that mic still on?”

“(About Barack…) What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he’s done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger … take more of your money … give you more orders from Washington … and to reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world. And after the past eight years we’ve proven… that’s all a Republican’s job! Why give it to Barack? We’re already doing it, oh, so well! ‘Doing’ nothing else, but we sure can screw things up then point elsewhere for the blame!”

“It’s a long way from the fear and pain and squalor of a six-by-four cell in Hanoi to the Oval Office. It’s also a long way to Tip-a-Rarie. What a great joke. Short version: villagers spend a lot of time and effort to hatch, raise and then tip a ‘Rarie Rird’ over… oh, you’ve heard that one? Nevermind.”

“I was just your average hockey mom, and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids’ pub(l)ic education better. When I ran for city council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. And I knew those who could help me up to the top by being a bottom: especially the married Republicans. Damn it, I told you get those pics off the main screen! I said, it’s a family matter! Sorry, Hon… thought you knew how I really got here today. Proud of me yet?”

“I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities… most of which I avoided to enrich myself. I might add that in small towns, we don’t quite know what to make of a candidate who lavishes praise on working people when they are listening, and then talks about how bitterly they cling to their religion and guns when those people aren’t listening. Yes, I sure represent a bunch of dumb fucks. Don’t know jackshit. They sure let me take them to the cleaners when they voted for me! (Looks at mic again, puzzled, taps, and cringes.)”

“Victory in Iraq is finally in sight … Look! At the horizon! Right there! Keep walking and we’ll get there. Damn fools. Anyone knows you’ll never reach a ‘horizon.’ We sure got them schnuckered, John. Oops, did I say that outloud?”

“We met in high school, and two decades and five children later he’s still my main guy in my huge stud-stable. I was a cheerleader, he was a brainless jock. We met in the girls locker room. I wasn’t dressed. He unzipped… a typical, and VERY, American story. (Crowd cheers. Rubbing sound amongst the male side of the crowd has turned into a thumping sound.)

”

“In politics, there are some candidates who use change to promote their careers. And then there are those, like John McCain, who use their careers to promote change. Hideous, horrible change. Moronic change, change for the sake of change, or ‘change’ because we want to send more pallets of old bills to our corrupt and murderous vendors while flooding the market with new, very ugly-ass. bills: hoping no one will notice.”

“And I’ve learned quickly, these past few days, that if you’re not a member in good standing of the Washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone. Thank God we own and control the media: they are our bitch. So media attack dogs, there’s the Black man running, go hunt that boy down… don’t spare the bites… whilst we slaveowners sip from our drinks on the porch of our ole Republican plantation.”

“As the story is told, ‘When McCain shuffled back from torturous interrogations, he would turn toward Moe’s door and flash a grin and thumbs up…’ Moe immediately poked Curly, as John was known, in the eye saying; ‘What did you tell them THIS time, Wiseguy?’ Larry said, ‘Oh, leave him alone Moe,’ Moe tweaked Larry’s nose…”

This edition of Ye Olde Scribe has a sponsor…

“This edition of Ye Olde Scribe is sponsored by ‘Cheery-Hos,’ now with extra nuts wearing more stupid hats, doing more childish dances to ‘celebrate’ political conventions. Kind of a tad too much like ‘Let’s Make a Deal’ for what should be a serious event, doncha think? And behind door number ’1st VP pick…’ No! No! Close it PLEASE! I’m going blind! Mommy told me if I jacked off to ReTHUGlican politics I’d go…”