BartBlog

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…
“Featuring only the kinda spam you can enjoy… A LOT.”

Found in Scribe’s E-box…

ONE LAWYER YOU HAVE TO LOVE

As most of you receiving this know, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that was priceless.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:

(Actual letter): “Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s… loan application, we note that the request is supported by an abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows…

(actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus ‘ expedition. Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?”

The loan was approved.

Mean, Yet FUN Practical Jokes

“Like replacing a guide dog with a wild boar, something no one should do, but tickles imagination’s funny bone.”

Ya know those Mommy shopping carts with the truck or car so kiddies can ride while “steering?” Hook up the wheel so it works: OCCASIONALLY. Twill drive Mommy bonkers and probably make her curse, “What the %$#@ is wrong with this thing?” Very educational when it comes to profanity.

Having Fun with Game Boards, Not on the Market… YET

Scribe’s note: These ideas are free to any enterprising young, or “olde” and quite crotchety, Marketeer. (As in the more corporate friendly replacement for The Mouseketeers.) Scribe does try to remain ahead of the curve, but it’s possible he’s a “little behind…” maybe the Chinese already have them in production? (Scribe’s sure Maiden Millie would say “a whole lot of behind.”) Some of these games might help your children become more Junior-like. Some might help them learn to turn the tables on the little murderous, spoiled-brat, dictator wannabe. Scribe does not take responsibility for any problems created by any government or corporation evil, idiotic, or CHINESE enough to actual sell these concepts to the American public, but too much of the public may well be moronic enough to buy…

Monopoly… the Cannibal Edition

Take over Wall Street… the Journal. Eat up the American economy and jobs, then take your meal overseas so you’ll never have to pay the IRS waiter, or face even the most necessary regs. Suggestions for wok-ing up a pan of Murdoch jewels included. Include Rupert’s unrelated namesake for extra spice, Rupert Holmes, or The Spice Girls for barf-like seasoning. Warning: Spice Girls Spice is very dated and was only slightly less toxic when it was fresh.

Game pieces included: no bid contract, in the form of severed contractor head game pieces, livers, spleens and Neo Cons; tiny little brains attached to boulder-sized kahunas.

The cannibal who gets the most organs in the end wins, and is allowed to sample his fellow players.

The Biggus Dickus Turkey Shoot

Game board includes big ass guns and caged, drugged and domesticated, animals for dispatching in the most blood thirsty manner possible. Extra points for blowing the face off any fellow player who says anything that might slightly displease you.

No medical supplies included. That would be socialized medicine. Get a job.

Liberal edition only includes Mike Malloy during his most surly moments, uncaged, with a much bigger and more accurate gun. Are you a Neo Con? Go ahead. Open the box. Scribe dares ya.

The Little Miss Muffet Gas Chamber Deluxe
(Not appoved by the ghost of Karla Faye Tucker, but approved by Saddam’s. Includes Miss Muffet’s book, the Iraqi pre-invasion edition, Kurds in Way.)

Use your closet to dispatch your least favorite brother, sister or cousin. Includes plenty of toxic gas, culled from the lungs of deceased 9/11 heroes… policemen, rescue dogs, firemen. Also includes plenty of “get out of trouble with yet another stupid, self serving excuse” cards, including, “No one could have known,” “No one could have predicted” and, of course the over used, much abused, “It’s ALL Bill Clinton’s fault.”

Hangman’s Noose

Now including Iraqi style justice brand, razor sharp, rope. Not as fun as the first time, but your little tyke can learn to practice justice on the new plentiful, BFEE aquired, dead, just like the Junior approved and installed puppets in Iraq do. Corpses not included, though Junior will surely continue to offer a rich bounty of them. Ann Coulter can be added purchased as an extra. Her cold, metallic, unfeeling heart may still be beating… but from the neck up you’re good to go! (Note: no returns allowed for crushing her transexual adam’s apple.)

Have you’re own ideas for a fun game board to teach your tykies how to be more like Junior, or just to give Junior what’s coming to him? Your suggestions are always welcome here at Really F-ed Up Toys. Just call and ask our Chinese slave labor manned phone bank and they’ll get.. the… lead… out.. of their arses, tell us, and then put in right into your child’s next Huggy Bear.

Final Curtain
“Adding that extra special laugh-based spice at the end.”

Ye Olde Scribe is NOT funny. Stop laughing, damn you! Does Scribe have to get Ashcroft after y… Gonzo after y… Rabid Rove after y… damn the rats are deserting the ship. Fly, rats, fly. Oh, those aren’t rats, they’re monkeys. Go for a night fly? Why SURE! See you next time. Scribe’s off to see the tyranical wizard. Oh, waterboarding? Sounds nice. Scribe loves to surf. Not exactly that? Then what… blub, gurgle, choke, sputter…

We’re sorry. The pundit whom you are trying to read is a little tied up right now. Call him back later, but don’t forget… WE’RE LISTENING. (Especially to all those sounds in the Mens restroom coming out, and into, out, and into… the mouth of our fellow Rethuglicans.)