November 29, 2011

Did Philip K Dick use a time travel machine to do ghost writing for Shakespeare?

Note: Parts of this column may have been fabricated . . . or fictionalized . . . or not. Otherwise you will have to believe that the Government and America’s Free Press collaborate together to keep you from learning the truth.

As December begins and the film reviewers cope with an onslaught of films about murder, incest, alcoholism, adultery, drug addiction, incurable diseases, and crippling sports injuries, folks skimming through the various Life and Arts sections in American newspapers looking for some holiday entertainment, have a subtle clue for the fact that awards season has begun.

Competition and news coverage will be extensive for the scramble for the various awards given to movie makers, but there are other less newsworthy awards that the media will ignore. Lost in the madding crowd of eager award committees will be an obscure band of specialists trying to select this year’s best new conspiracy theories.

Fans of the veteran stalwart conspiracy theories, such as Building 7, the magic bullet, and any advanced intelligence about the attack on Pearl Harbor, will have to wait until the Conspiracy Theory Hall of Fame holds it’s annual Induction Awards dinner (you have heard about that, haven’t you?) before they can start reviving their darling candidate.

To be eligible for the right to be awarded the 2011 Conspiracy Theory of the Year trophy, a theory must have been hatched during that particular year.

Has some kind of diabolical, coordinated effort kept you blissfully unaware of any new conspiracy theories?

Top contender for this year’s title, according to an unimpeachable source in the R&D Department on the Amalgamated Conspiracy Theory Factory campus (located at an encampment in the Desolation Wilderness, perhaps?), is the wild speculation that the Occupy Movement may be a “false flag” operation funded by a wealthy pair of Conservative billionaires known only as “the Bobbsy Twins.”

According to the unsubstantiated hypothesis, the Occupy Movement was fiendishly engineered by a well known Republican dirty tricks specialist (code named “the Architect”?) so that it would initially resemble the Tea Bag movement, but would ultimately fail and bring dishonor and humiliation to the Liberal cause. Under the “one for all – all for one” banner, the tricksters would inundate the General Assembly meetings with the street people, who would have been institutionalized in a country with a more Liberal agenda for the needy, and thereby cause the attempts to determine the general consensus on policy questions to seize up like a car engine running without oil.

If the problem of wealth disparity calls for innovations from a bold thinking charismatic leader, then it stands to reason that injecting the movement with a considerable number of stoners would stymie the movement from the git-go. When slackers camp-out are they called “tent potatoes”?

Remember that the Tea Bag movement was composed of well dressed retirees who were provided with bus transportation to and from the events. They were not given free tents.

On Thanksgiving, Occupy Oakland sustained an incident that produced a video (that immediately “went viral” on the Internets) that was instigated by denying the public the use of port-a-potties in the Frank Ogawa Plaza area. Free meals had been provided on late Thanksgiving morning, so by limiting afternoon access to restroom facilities, a spontaneous incident was virtually assured. Could Heinrich Himmler have devised a cleverer ploy? Isn’t using a free Thanksgiving meal to precipitate a need for restroom facilities that subsequently can’t be used a fine example of using the compassionate Conservative Christian philosophy to gain political points?

Is that the only fresh conspiracy theory for 2011?

Could all the Republican debates be a fiendish plot to flood the airwaves with Republican talking points while all the time the eventual Republican pick sat out the process on the sideline, thus being provided with immunity from gaffs and embarrassing quotes? If such a “hypothetical” candidate from the Republican bullpen wins his party’s nomination then (in retrospect) this could be a conspiracy theory eligible for the 2011 award, but since nobody is expressing the idea it can’t possibly win this year’s award.

Can the early prototype version of a conspiracy theory win the annual award? If so, here’s a sneak peek at one in the “mockup” stage at the Amalgamated Factory: Could the Occupy Movement be a covert effort to provide easy maintenance inmates for the privatized prison industry?

Here’s how the conspiracy theory lunatics would see it: the folks who get arrested for “trespassing” can be charged with either simple trespass (which is a misdemeanor and usual ends with a fine or forfeiture of bail) or it could be criminal trespass which can mean getting a lawyer, having a trial, and getting a prison sentence. If you were running a privatized prison which would you prefer to use to stock up your facility: either hardened criminals or inept protesters who advocate non-violence?

Be careful analyzing this concept because if you don’t “get your mind right, Luke;” you run the risk of becoming a newly baptized lunatic conspiracy theorist and thereby insure that all the other regular listeners to Uncle Rushbo will laugh at you.

It’s not just fans of the old Jim Healy sports news program who are asking: “Is it true . . . ?” Some of the grizzly old journalists on the conspiracy theory beat are begging their best sources for more information on the rumor that the boys at Amalgamated are pitching a “Conspiracy Theory Lunatic’s History of the United States” project to some publishers in New York City. It could also carry the title “The Encyclopedia of Conspiracy Theories.”

Doesn’t a dynamic new generation of Conservative thinkers deserve the opportunity to scoff and express righteous indignation over the absurd questions raised in the past about:
The mysterious death of Ronald Reagan’s chimpanzee co-star from “Bedtime for Bonzo”
The mysterious death of George Reeves
The possibility that an ancient Amrbose Bierce ghosted columns in San Francisco under the Freddy Francisco byline?
Was Earle Flynn a Nazi Spy?
Building 7 (Is there an Occupy Building 7 encampment?)
Was the death of Che Guevara faked? Was he really offered a chance for a new identity under the witness protection program? Did he (in his fake identity life) become a member of the City Council in a small California University city and fight endless battles with that school’s liberal students?
Did some guy named Felix Rodriguez really toss a very top secret report on the faking of Hitler’s Death and his subsequent life (in the witness protection program) as the mayor of an Ohio city, on his boss’ desk and say: “We could do the same thing with Che!”?
How could Geronimo’s skull possibly wind up in a mansion in Kennebunkport?
Last and certainly not least, why hasn’t Oakland mayor Jean Quan been featured on one of the Sunday morning TV shows featuring newsmakers?

Isn’t it curious that the time and location for the unveiling of the official selection of the award winning Best New Conspiracy Theory of 2011 is not being provided to the various important assignment editors? The results will be e-mailed to newsrooms after the Awards ceremony has been conducted. What up wid dat? Why the secrecy?

In the past, we have encountered a story about the Rich’s conception of being poor: When a wealthy dame was told that the poor are always complaining about hunger, her response was to ask “Why don’t they ring the bell?” and thereby signal the servants that food was needed stat. Any attempt to explain how that wouldn’t solve the problem for the poor would only have taxed (no taxing for the rich!) her intelligence beyond it’s capacity to function.

Unfortunately our attempts to do some online fact checking to learn the source of that anecdote have been unsuccessful. Why can’t his columnist find the source for that anecdote online?

Now the disk jockey will play Chuck Berry’s “My ding-a-ling,” “The Bells are ringing,” and “Bell of the Ball.” We have to go back in the ring for round 7. Have a “where did it go?” type week.

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