November 30, 2009

The Tattlesnake – The Tiger Woods Rumor Theater Edition

Filed under: Commentary,Opinion — Tags: , , , , , , , — RS Janes @ 6:04 pm

“The Tiger’s Fuzzy Tale”

A short one-act play featuring Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Woods.

ELIN WOODS: “So you’re telling me you haven’t talked to that woman in six months!”

TIGER WOODS: “Absolutely, babe, I broke it off completely.”

EW: “You filthy liar! I checked your cell phone and there are three calls to her just today!”

TW: “Ulp!” [Audible gulp] “Look, I’m getting out of here until you’re more rational. I can’t talk to you when you’re crazy like this.”

[Tiger exits room with EW in pursuit. As she leaves, EW grabs a golf club from a bag by the door.]

EW: [Enraged] “Don’t you walk out on me, you lousy bastard!”

TW: “What are you doing with that club?! [EW swings and hits TW's arm with the club.] “OWWWW! What the hell are you doing?!”

EW: “You’re not running out on me, you little creep!”

TW: [Getting into his black Escalade and starting it up] “I’m not running out on you – I’m just going out for a drive until you calm down. Oh, Jesus, my arm is numb – how do you expect me to play golf with a numb arm?!”

[TW quickly drives off. As a parting shot, EW hits the back window of the Escalade with the golf club, shattering the window.]

TW: [Yelling out the driver's side window] “You crazy bitch! Take a chill pill!”

[Moments later there is the sound of a car crashing at the end of the drive. EW runs to where the Escalade has hit a tree.]

EW: “Ha, ha – serves you right you steaming pile of crap!” [Mood changes to concern] “Wait, are you hurt, Tiger?”

TW: “My arm isn’t right where you HIT IT with the GODDAMN GOLF CLUB, but I’m okay otherwise, just a couple of scratches. Shit, just look at my friggin’ car!”

EW: “You’d better go to the hospital. I’ll call 911.”

TW: “Wait, wait! Don’t call yet. You realize if it comes out what we were fighting about you can kiss $20 million in endorsement deals good-bye. We need a good story to tell the cops first.”

EW: [Skeptical] “Yeah, sure, what kind of story could cover your arm and the shattered back window? I want to hear this.”

TW: “I’ve got it – I had the car accident, hurt my arm, passed out cold, and you smashed the back window to courageously save me!”

EW: “Why would I smash in the back window to save you? Wouldn’t I smash a side window? Besides, there’s nothing wrong with the driver’s side door – wouldn’t I just open that and get you out?”

TW: “Hey, I’m Tiger Woods — people love my ass. Nobody’s going to ask questions like that! You just stick to the story and we’ve got it made!”

EW: “Okay, I’m calling 911.”

[The End?]

© 2009 RS Janes.


  1. Another Repub celebrity caught philandering?
    The Shocker is that it was with hot Women and NOT getting or giving Shockers in Public bathroom stalls.
    Of course El-dreck was never openly Homo-pathic
    so I guess that was the first clue.

    Comment by Rainlander — December 2, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

  2. True, Rain, but Woodsy sure doesn’t mind getting in bed with every evil corrupt corporation he can find to pay him endorsement money.

    Comment by RS Janes — December 2, 2009 @ 5:38 pm

  3. RSJ,You make a compelling case for how the crash took place.
    I’ve seen these Woman scorned episodes before
    and usually what happens is the scorned Woman
    jumps up on the running board and either tries to strangle the cheat or grabs the steering wheel which is what I think happened in this sorry case.
    Alcohol is usually involved in all the above

    Comment by Rainlander — December 3, 2009 @ 2:14 am

  4. The funny thing is I wrote this little comedy knowing very few details of what happened. Subsequent news stories make it appear this is for the most part what actually transpired at the Woods manse that night. Who would ever suspect Tiger is Fredo banging Vegas cocktail waitresses right and left?!

    Bart’s curse on Eldrick has obviously born fruit. He may still play golf for a few bucks, but all of that endorsement money that made him rich is soon going bye-bye.

    Comment by RS Janes — December 3, 2009 @ 9:27 am

  5. If Tiger ever had a political career in His future then that prospect is on the wane.
    I imagine the book deals and TV infomercials
    are lining up this second.
    Maybe Fox News will fail Him up to his own show
    in the tradition of Scarborough.
    Praise that Bart guy!

    Comment by Rainlander — December 3, 2009 @ 2:59 pm

  6. Maybe Mr. and Mrs. Tiger will score their own reality TV show. How about “Into the Woods’” for a title? Or “Woods and Irony”? I’ll bet any amount he won’t be doing any Cadillac Escalade ads in the future.

    Comment by RS Janes — December 4, 2009 @ 6:34 am

  7. RSJ,take a look at this crazy blog called tigerwoodsisgod.

    Comment by Rainlander — December 5, 2009 @ 8:55 pm

  8. LOL, Rain, good satire — at least I hope it’s satire.

    Comment by RS Janes — December 6, 2009 @ 6:38 am

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Sorry, the comment form is closed at this time.

Powered by WordPress