March 6, 2012
June 25, 2010
February 22, 2010
The Tattlesnake – In Defense of Tiger Woods (Sort of) Edition
The Abridged Tiger Woods Apology Speech, After a Quick Spray with the Truth Ray
TIGER WOODS: “Hello to you all. I am here to publicly apologize for cheating on my wife Elin with other women. (Why am I apologizing to the public? I didn’t cheat on them. Oh, right, kids look up to me as a role model. Kids are watching golf now? Jeez, can’t they look up to someone besides a golfer as a role model? Basketball players, baseball players, football players … okay, never mind.)
“While my publicist and marketing people actually wrote these words, I can assure you they come straight from my heart. (And a billion dollars a year in endorsements.)
“In a sane world, I could just be respected as a great golfer and my private life would be my own business, but you self-righteous hypocrites in the media and you sex-starved moralists in the celebrity-obsessed public need some cheesy scandal to drool over, and right now it’s me. (Why don’t you all get a life?) You know, you don’t make rock stars and movie idols apologize like this – at least I haven’t seen Mick Jagger or Warren Beatty pestered endlessly for cheating on their wives, but then I guess you can’t play golf and then pose with a car or disposable razor unless you have a spotless personal life. Hey, why don’t you ask the CEOs of the corporations that pay me for endorsements to publicly apologize for their marital infidelities? Oh, right, they aren’t celebrities. Besides, many of you in the media pull a paycheck from one of those corporations. What amazing courage.
“Okay, sorry, I was told by my handlers not to go off script. So, here, I’m just apologizing all over myself for being a kid and young man who never had much of a life outside golf, with a Domineering Stage Father who forced me to practice all the time so that I could fulfill all of his unrealized dreams, and once I was out from under his influence I went nuts and took advantage of my fame and got laid as often as I could. Every honest man listening to me, if they had grown up the way I did, would have done the same thing. Most of you men would do the same thing even without having a Domineering Stage Father, if you had the chance, especially you sportswriters.
“You know who really owes the public an apology: The media vultures covering this story by obsessing on every minute detail of my personal life. Maybe you should try spending the same amount of time on explaining things to the public that really affects their lives – like health care reform, and the growing power of corporations over our lives, and the reality of war, and who’s lying about what in Washington. Oh, but that’s too controversial; instead you pick the safe route – go after the golfer. You know, it’s not going to put a penny in the public’s pocket, or make their lives one bit better if I apologize, but here it is, for what it’s worth:
“I apologize completely for anything in my private life that might have ever offended anyone. But I know this mea culpa won’t be the end — my bones haven’t been picked entirely clean yet.
“Just to sum up, my adulterous dalliances outside of my marriage, and any apologies I make for them, as I’ve said, really aren’t and shouldn’t be important except to those close to me. The only important thing about this story is how much valuable airtime and empty words of fake outrage the mainstream media are willing to waste to pursue the sordid details of my private life. Let me reiterate: For that, I don’t owe you an apology – they do.”
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
The Tattlesnake – Is Gore Gay? GOP Barton Smartin’ and the NV Angle Tangle Edition
– Al Gore sexually assault a woman? I don’t buy it, but this is the tale some Oregon masseuse was trying to sell to the National Enquirer for a cool million, according to Col. Howie Kurtz at the WaHoPo. As a mantra of fact, my friend who has very advanced ‘gaydar’ – she called out Ted Haggard months before it was revealed he was regularly visiting a male prostitute and snorting meth – has long thought Al was a closeted gay man, something like Kevin Spacey’s character Jim Williams in “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.” She thinks the marital break-up of the Gores probably has more to do with Tipper catching Al with a man than a woman. (And leave us not forget that weird groping public kiss at the Dem Convention in 2000. Awkward? You bet.) Ah, Tipper – apparently playing the beard to the last.
– If it were any organization other than the current Dem Party collection of timid halfwits, I’d say Texas Oil Republican Rep. Joe Barton just sunk the GOP in the 2010 elections, but then we’ve seen how often these Washington Jackasses have snatched defeat from the jaws of victory, so let’s not get our hopes up.
In case you’ve been meditating in a cave for the past week (and who could blame you?), here’s what Barton publicly said to BP CEO Tony Hayward during a Congressional hearing:
BP and Tony Hayward are less popular than O.J. Simpson and here’s Strokin’ Joe embarrassing himself and his party by apologizing to them. Imagine if the tables were turned and some bubblehead Dem said this – the GOP would have it on a tape loop with wall-to-wall negative ads running all over the country and every Republican who popped up on a news show would find a way to mention it ten times. True, the Dems do have an ad up, but they haven’t gone all in yet on linking Barton with the Republicans and particularly pointing out the fact that Joe has yet to be relieved of his position as ranking minority member of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. After initially renouncing Barton’s goofy apologia, some Republicans are now actually coming to his defense! Gee, that wouldn’t make a bad basis for an ad, either, especially in the Gulf States. But, then, the ‘bipartisan’ Democrats apparently find chasing their tails more attractive than hunting the predator that’s trying to kill them.
– The Angle of Attack on Sharron: You’d think someone who wants to dump Social Security and Medicare (but thus far not in favor of bartering for medical care with chickens, thank God), eliminate the IRS without any plan to replace it (how do we pay off the deficit without collecting taxes, Sharron?), still wants to ‘drill, baby, drill’ even after the BP Gulf disaster, and has ‘shifting’ positions on the prohibition of alcohol and fluoridation of water (among other wacky notions), would be pretty easy to beat in a statewide election. Well, she probably will be as even doddering old bumbler Sen. Harry Reid has finally seen fit to call her “crazy” and run a TV ad showing what a hallucinatory teabag of unfounded WorldNetDaily opinions is his Republican opponent. Reid’s no FDR, but he’s George Burns compared to Sharron Angle’s crazy-crap Christopublican Gracie Allen. Sure, the GOP rinse-and-spin machine is busy trying to make her ready for prime time, but this woman’s a political Lady Gaga at the ballpark who can barely hold her own in Fox-friendly interviews and irritatingly insists on calling any legitimate query regarding what she would actually do as senator a “Gotcha” question. In open debate with Reid, she’d be Sarah Palin without the wink; Dan Quayle without the hairdo; Ronald Reagan without the acting experience. But, since Reid’s a twenty-first century milquetoast Democrat, the election will be closer than it should. Still, I think he’ll pull it out.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.