BartBlog

More short sour snipes at some prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.

WI Supreme Court Justice David Prosser – Proudly relying on a former underling and ardent GOP activist to discover more than enough ‘accidentally uncounted’ votes two days after losing the election to miraculously make him the victor, Prosser has shown himself to be in the same league of unembarrassed conservative judicial giants as Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. No doubt if there is ever again a Republican president haunting the White House, Prosser will be at the top of his or her list of US Supreme Court nominees, eclipsed only by the fine legal minds of Scooter Libby, Louie Gohmert and Orly Taitz.

Ann Coulter - Anorexic in appearance; emaciated in thought; bulimic in speech. In other words, she never changes.

Mike Huckabee - His Christian devotion to integrity would be breathtaking to behold at some point in the future. As it is, we just have to take his assurance that he follows the teachings of Jesus on faith, as no independent evidence exists to confirm this assertion.

President Barack Obama – Apparently content to advance through constant retreat which, if you believe the world is round, would eventually result in him sneaking up on his enemies from behind. Conversely, his political opponents believe the world is flat, which is why they’re falling off the edge like lemmings. In any race to the bottom, Obama’s antagonists have the shorter drop.

GOP ‘House Budget Czar’ Rep. Paul Ryan – A man whose idea of balancing the budget involves giving away money to the rich and then hoping they will take pity on your impoverished state and provide you with a good job. It’s part of the lethal charm of Republican reptiles to insist that this ‘perpetual motion machine’ of economic thought, which has failed repeatedly in the past, is sure to work this time around. Of course, Ryan himself will have a good job in the future, in or out of politics, inadvertently paid for by the destitute taxpayers without their knowledge.

NJ Gov. Chris Christie – In a large bowl, combine tasty tax cuts for the well-heeled with budget-cutting zeal strained through a sieve with tea infused with Bush Republican crapola. Mix with whatever Ann Coulter’s drinking heavily and add a heaping cup of Il Duce’s state corporatism. Put in the oven for four years at high heat and – voila! – you have an oven ruined by an unpalatable mess fit only for the trash that is no longer being picked up in New Jersey regularly since the governor privatized the service to break the union.

WI Gov. Scott Walker - His politics honor King Louis XVI, his speeches Newt Gingrich, his ‘toughness’ a box of rocks, while his eyes pay homage to Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman. One could easily see him in the White House, cleaning up after Bo, and it may be the only job he can get after angry Wisconsin voters recall him next year – it’s definitely the only one he’s qualified to do.

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer - What happens when a batch of mean goes sour.

Newt Gingrich – He has the fire in the belly, the snow on the roof, the fourth lady-in-waiting, millions in the bank, and the fringe-conservative hamster furiously navigating the CPAC exercise wheel to guarantee his shot at abject failure in the 2012 GOP presidential primaries. Since Newt has an incredibly large vocabulary of words to express his puny ideas and historical deviances, nothing will stop him from embarrassing himself by losing to Sarah Palin in the first few primaries.

Donald Trump - Teabaggers and other neoconservative halfwits would be well disposed to take advice from a failure who couldn’t turn a profit from an Atlantic City casino and can’t get a gambling license in Nevada due to his history of bankruptcy. In fact, the only thing that ‘The Donald’ has ever made money from is his pathetic TV show wherein he hilariously fulfills the rubber-room delusions of his marketing staff by pretending to be a smart businessman. A more perfect presidential candidate reflecting the current state of the Republican Party does not exist. Trump is their man and, if somehow elected, would doubtless spend four years concentrating on his weekly reality show, “Who Wants to Work in the White House?” while the nation further crumbles.

The Koch Brothers – Nuts ‘n’ money, honey, and a rich Republican’s joke is always funny, especially from a couple of billionaire sons of Birchers. They are incontrovertible verification of Dorothy Parker’s line: “If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to,” but even the late, great Algonquin Round Table wit never imagined the Almighty would stoop this low for a laugh.

Mitt Romney - Loose rumor claims that, during Romney family vacations, it was actually the Mittster who was tied to the roof of the car while the dog drove the station wagon, but let’s not go down that road. It’s also claimed the charismatic former governor of Massachusetts can charm a roomful of supporters into needing a nap within five minutes flat. His firm handshake is reminiscent of grabbing a dead cod, his personal history is redolent with mirthful myth and confounding flip-flops, and his political notions are agreeably GOP incoherent, plus he’s rich and he wants to be president, making him the perfect choice to be the Republican sacrificial tiger in 2012.

Sen. John Thune – Mitt Romney without the zesty personality and sense of dignity.

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.

Brief sour snipes at some prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.

Michele Bachmann – When scary met rally.

Arianna Huffington – A mythological Greek goddess who prospers greatly on the free labor of others.

Tim Pawlenty – A polite little Minnesota fart desperately trying to become a big Republican shit.

Sarah Palin – America’s trademarked Tweetheart, soon to be our ‘Dear Tweeter’ right after the Republicans in Congress succeed in outlawing rational thought entirely.

Jon Stewart - If Jon noticed two brown-shirted men wearing swastika armbands beating up another man laying on the ground, he would immediately condemn onlookers who pointed out any similarities to the Nazis, and go on to make the case that the actions of the attackers and the man trying to defend himself are equally deplorable. Then he’d giggle and cut to a commercial for Verizon Wireless.

The Tea Partiers – Their hearts are in the Right place — next to a pile of cash in a bank vault owned by the Koch brothers.

Comcast/MSNBC - ‘Lean Forward’ so it’ll be easier to kick your ass out the door if you displease the parent company.

Bill O’Reilly – Joe McCarthy after the first bottle, combined with all the charm of a proctologist with a fire hose.

Glenn Beck – Joe McCarthy after the second bottle, combined with Howard Stern following a full lobotomy.

Rush Limbaugh — An ounce of syphilitic brain tissue trampled in the stands of the football stadium at Ole Miss, circa 1964.

Megyn Kelly – 1. Find valve in back of skull. 2. Insert hose and inflate with helium until head is filled. 3. Check hair and makeup. 4. Insert ‘GOP Talking Points’ memory card. 5. Turn crank in back until words come out.

Michael Savage – When being a self-hating Weiner just isn’t enough.

Mitt Romney – Elmer Corpo-Fudd goes hunting for small vermin, only to keep finding himself.

Jeb Bush – A Republican presidential prospect who wishes he had been born with a different last name, maybe something like ‘Nixon.’

Mitch McConnell – Where wealthy wrinkles go to retire and old lies to revive themselves.

Roger Ailes – When he dines on his daily cherub, he wipes his mouth on the closest thing available, which happens to be the seat of his pants.

Antonin Scalia - Judge Dreadful.

Clarence Thomas – “Just because I have a big bet on the team doesn’t mean I would necessarily rule in its favor.”

© 2011 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.