August 19, 2013

Madam Jane predicts: Don’t buy any more cars

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Jane Stillwater @ 11:19 am

What ever happened to America’s old economic self-reliance? And when, exactly, did my country stop being a democracy? And exactly what can just one single solitary American like me do to save America from corporate plunder? I know! I’ll ask Madam Jane!

So I contacted my favorite fortune teller on her hot new Facebook page.

“I keep hearing all this nasty stuff about what is going on in America today — and it scares me,” I told her. “At this point in time, America is practically a NSA police state, our military has millions of uber-weapons trained on every country in the world including our own, corporate greed rules the day, and government-subsidized oil companies and coal companies and nuclear waste companies will have totally shut down the planet within 50 years.”

“That sounds about right,” replied hash-tag-M-J. “This planet’s 50-year warranty is just about up. You’ve pretty much nailed it.”

“But despite all this,” I continued to whine, “you never, never hear anyone in a real position of power even hint or suggest that a disaster like this might be happening — or that any intelligent solutions to our problems could possibly be found. All these jokers seem to come up with during these last crucial days are plans to eliminate abortions, stand their ground, buy more guns, kill more people, pollute more air and hand over even more perqs to large corporations. That’s just stupid. So what can we do that is smart?”

“Don’t buy any more cars.” Huh? That’s it? That’s all you got?

“If people stopped buying cars, then I wouldn’t have to sit through all those TV car commercials. Just sayin’.”

“Are you trying to tell me,” I said, “that the world’s future will be safe if only I can keep away from automobile showrooms? And if I never buy a new car again, that will that save the planet?”

“Pretty much.”

I just shook my head. But then I thought, hey, why not? Doesn’t sound any more crazier than giving international corporations huge tax breaks that American small businesses can only dream of — or privatizing prisons into slave-labor sweatshops or making it a whole lot harder for us average Americans to vote (or have our votes counted).

Okay. No more car-buying for me.

“And when you — and seven billion single solitary other ordinary folks just like you — finally wake up and demand a stop to the Earth’s destruction, then corporations will be forced to follow,” said Madam Jane sagely.

“But do you predict that they will?”

“Of course they won’t,” might be one prediction that M.J. could give — or else, “Damn straight they will! People aren’t stupid,” might be the other. But which will it be? The lady or the tiger?

PS: My daughter Ashley the baker just invented a buttermilk pancake/bacon cupcake with maple syrup frosting. She calls it “The Breakfast Club”. Don’t even need Madam Jane to predict that it will be a great success

April 1, 2011

Madam Jane predicts: America will never grow a pair

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , — Jane Stillwater @ 12:19 am

“The American Dream has died,” stated Madam Jane this morning over coffee. “This country is doomed to never again amount to more what it is now — a cheap source of rent-a-cop armies for corporations and an economic blood donor to keep the personhood of Big Business alive and well.” But surely it can’t be as bad as all that. Can it? “Oh yeah it can,” replied Madam Jane — who claims that her crystal ball never lies.

“As long as corporations continue to receive all the same rights as citizens but are required to pay almost no taxes, I predict that these vampire-like corporatists will continue to feed off of America’s body like the evil pin worms that they are until our country dies and becomes just one more pale smelly national corpse being stored in their crypt.” Good grief, MJ! This time you are going too far! Evil pin worms? Really? And besides, where is your proof?

“I, like Fox News, don’t need no stinking proof,” responded Madam J. “It is what it is. Either America grows a pair now or starts preparing to meet its final doom. Madam Jane has spoken.” Yikes!

“But American CAN change!” I cried out like some terrified and repentant modern-day Unca Scrooge who had just been confronted with the ghost of Bob Marley. Yet despite all of my entreaties, Madam Jane just shrugged.

“The future never lies,” intoned Madam Jane, “because it is based on the past — and on the present. Just lookie here. Right now you’ve got America’s heroic soldiers fighting rent-a-cop wars for Exxon and BP in Afghanistan, Iraq and now Libya. And you got your courts tied up in knots while trying to bend over far enough to get properly screwed by Monsanto, Wells Fargo, Big Pharma, Rupert Murdoch and AT&T. And you’ve got your Federal Reserve and U.S. Treasury happily opening their veins up to Wall Street. And you’ve got evil corporatists in charge of most of your state governments and voting machines. Plus you’ve got your current President trying to act like he was the Bush family’s red-headed step child….”

Enough of all this gloom and doom, Madam Jane! “Can’t you just predict something happy for a change — like who’s gonna be in the World Series next year or who’s going to win a million dollars on Survivor?” Or who will finally stand up to the corporations who now own America and actually get America’s oligarchs to stop shoveling us all this “Personhood” crap? Or perhaps you could predict when Americans will actually finally start to grow a pair?

“Sorry. No can do. Not in the cards. I see what I see.” Humph. If that’s all you see, Madam Jane, then perhaps it’s time to go buy yourself a new pair of glasses. This is not the way that the Great American Experiment is supposed to end!

PS: I keep telling my family that I’m not gonna ever write any more political stuff ever again because it has become such a thankless task. Nobody wants to hear me — or Madam Jane either — sounding like Cassandra. “I need to just stick to travel writing,” I keep telling them. “Nobody wants to read all this negative stuff.” But then America’s slimy corporatists do something else intolerable once again — such as pay absolutely NO taxes at all on billions of dollars in profits on the exact same day that I’m putting my own lowly $750 IRS check in the mail — and I get all enraged once again. And as for travel? Who can afford to do that any more.

Ah but I still have a whole bunch of wonderful travel memories stored up.

PPS: Please don’t tell M.J. this, but I also just consulted another fortune teller — a gypsy palmist in Oakland. And she told me that I needed to get more organized and to meditate more. So I started to set my timer for 15 minutes a day in order to organize my apartment for 15 whole minutes every day. So far so good.

Then I started meditating — first I meditated on the past, then on the present and then on the future. But all I could remember about my childhood were those summers at Girl Scout camp and that time that my parents bought a green 1946 Studebaker Commander from Uncle Rudy and we had to fly back to New York to pick it up.

This was in 1951.

Our plane was old and propeller-driven, probably left over from World War II, and took us on its milk run through Denver, Chicago, Amarillo, Louisville and Pittsburgh before finally landing in New York. The flight took over 24 hours, most of that time spent throwing up. I will never forget Amarillo because of some horrible scrambled eggs served at the airport diner.

Then we all drove back to California — my mom, my dad, my sister and I, plus my grandfather who had been living with Uncle Rudy. And Grandfather Eugene PINCHED me every time that I’d squirm. And it hurt! But my parents didn’t believe me over him.

No one messed with Grandfather Eugene. Heck, we didn’t even dare call him Grandpa. He was raised in the Oklahoma Territory back in the day and worked as a migrant farm-worker when he was younger, picking apples in Oregon and peaches in Banning, California.

My dad was born in Roswell, New Mexico in 1911, on the family’s way out to California, one of six boys. Grandfather Eugene had stopped there to help harvest grain — and my Uncle Jim got his leg cut off in a threshing machine accident that year. Uncle Jim was only three years old. It devastated my grandfather — but not Jim. He later grew up to become a big California real estate tycoon.

Meanwhile, my grandmother Alta kept trying for a girl — and finally gave up and just dressed her youngest, Uncle Ray, in girl’s clothing until he was six. And Uncle Ray grew up to become aide-de-camp to General Vandenberg during WWII, lost all his hair to malaria in the Pacific and was gay. Uncle Ray later claimed that he became gay because Uncle Gene used to take him out behind the barn when they were kids — and not because of General Vandenberg. Uncle Ray went on to be aide-de-camp to Conrad Hilton but quit in a huff when Hilton alleged kept making him fly in Canadian hottie girls for his (Hilton’s) pleasure.

And to continue the family saga, Uncle Gene went on to overcome his migrant farm-worker roots, develop a phony British accent and become an English professor at Pomona. Family legend also has it that his first wife died mysteriously in a house fire and that he kept his rich second wife locked in a closet. But you can’t prove it by me.

PPPS: The palmist also indicated that I would live a very long life (she said this, however, a week before Fukushima started melting down) and that I was not to be afraid of death.

That statement about death also got me to thinking that perhaps the reason that so many religions are so fond of reincarnation — or of being raised back up from the dead when the final trumpet blows — is because this idea of rebirth might make it, psychologically speaking, a hecka lot easier to die.

It might be easier to kick the bucket if you knew that the condition of being dead was only temporary, right? That you will be only passing through the Valley of Death for a few minutes while riding on that Train to Glory. Works for me.

But if I were ever to get reincarnated, I’d like to come back as a Native American — living in the woods and communing with Nature (but also being able to withstand being cold. I HATE having cold feet.)

PPPPS: Do you think that if enough palmists look at the hands of enough young children (and can actually truly see into the future as well), will they be able to see whether or not the human race will be able to survive all that radiation from Fukushima, combined with the nasty effects of global warming, endless war, pesticide-infested GM crops, diet sodas and all other evil deeds done over the years by greedy corporatists (who, perhaps, are reincarnations of Benito Mussolini).

Or will said palmists instead see a new and better world where nature is protected, Wall Street is shut down, we the people run Washington, art and education are the USA’s top gross national products and war is obsolete?

I’m almost afraid to ask Madam Jane what she would say about that!


May 5, 2010

Madam Jane Predicts: No more war because no more gas!

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — Jane Stillwater @ 2:07 pm

Almost everyone in America knows which celebrity won “Dancing with the Stars” last time, that Sandra Bullock has just adopted a new baby and even that one of the Jonas Brothers is now married. But how many of us Americans are aware of the most important news event on this planet in the past 10,000 years? How many of us are aware of a new study by the U.S. military informing us that, worldwide, consumer demand for gasoline will outstrip its supply in just a year and a half, and that we could be almost without any fuel at all within just 20 years?

According to a report from the U.S. Joint Forces Command, “By 2012, surplus oil production capacity could entirely disappear, and as early as 2015, the shortfall in output could reach nearly 10 million barrels per day.”

This is the biggest news event in history — even bigger than the recent CNN headline that Betty White has refused to pose naked!

Not all that many people have noticed the fact that we may be completely out of gas as quickly as even five or ten years from now. But Madam Jane has noticed. Why am I not surprised? Our cynical and surly Madam Jane always manages to throw a wet blanket on everything.

“Not only will there be NO gasoline in 20 years, but there will also be darn little electricity — because you can’t run generators (or even hybrids) without gas,” predicted Madam Jane, having once again dusted off her old crystal ball. Nor will we have any food — because we will be all out of the petroleum-based fertilizers that we now rely upon to grow food, and also there will be no way to get said food to market even if we were able to grow it. Plus you won’t even be able to get YOURSELVES to the market — without any gas for your cars.”

Madam Jane is SUCH a drag. And she’s no fun at parties either.

“Parties? What parties? When a gasoline-based world has no more gasoline, it’s over. Who wants to party without disco lights, birthday cake or mp3 players? And with no access to people you could invite from your FaceBook page? Not me.” That’s a downer.

And that’s probably the same reason why corporate-owned media news feeds haven’t picked this story up yet. It’s just too up-close and personal to appeal to the average American viewer. No one wants to hear about disasters that will personally effect us that intensely. We all love hearing about far-away tragedies like the earthquake in Haiti — not tragedies occurring in our very own back yard. And because this hot story is being so ignored, Madam Jane doesn’t even get to be on any talk shows either — not even the liberal ones, not even Oprah!

She probably just made all this stuff up because she’s tired of having all her other spot-on predictions be so blatantly ignored.

“But I know what I know,” states The Madam. “And if no one believes me, then too bad for them. But if I was you, I’d be getting real busy stocking in a big supply of bicycles, canned food, Huggies and candles.”

Ignore Madam Jane. Next thing you know she’ll be telling us to start building bomb shelters like they did back in the 1950s. Ha!

“But some good things WILL come out of this catastrophe,” predicted Madam Jane stoically. “I can clearly predict that there will be no more giant trans-global wars on the scale of Afghanistan or Iraq.” Why is that? “Because armies cannot conduct wars of that magnitude without gasoline to run their airplanes and tanks. Look at Afghanistan for instance. It’s pretty much landlocked and all of the Marines’ equipment there — from their Bradleys to the roast beef they are served at their DFACs — has to be all flown in by air. And how long do you think that war will last without fuel for the planes?”

PS: Here’s another really important multi-millennial story that is being largely ignored: “If that horrendous BP oil spill off the coast of Louisiana isn’t capped, like, yesterday,” flatly states Madam Jane, “all living things in the entire Atlantic Ocean could die out. All of them! And if something like that also happens to the oil rigs off Santa Barbara, there goes the entire Pacific Ocean too. And then there goes the planet….”

Madam Jane, you need to take a happy pill and start watching “Dancing with the Stars” more.


Please vote for me so that I can get a scholarship to the Netroots Nation convention in Las Vegas this July! Vote here:

Powered by WordPress