Embattled RNC Chief to Step Down; Talk Show Host Named Replacement
Steele leaves to work on Palin presidential run
Moira Feynt
APS News Service
April 1, 2010WASHINGTON – According to a press release from the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, current chairman of the RNC, will step down Friday in order to “join the swelling ranks of Republicans” who would like former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012.
Steele named Fox News talk show host Sean Hannity as his interim replacement, saying in the release, “I feel Mr. Hannity has the dignity, decency and financial smarts to lead our party to victory in the upcoming elections.”
The current chairman has recently been enmeshed in controversy after revelations that he had spent party donations on limousines, private jets, lavish hotel rooms and at least one $2,000 trip to “Voyeur,” a Los Angeles lesbian bondage club.
However, Steele denies in the press release that he is leaving due to those problems; rather, he says, “I have talked to Gov. Palin and felt it was time to put my full attention toward the task of obtaining the Republican nomination for her. I could not be Mr. Hyde for her while I was Dr. Jekyll for the RNC.”
Brad Sneerdrip, a spokesman for Hannity, said, “Mr. Hannity will bring to this position the same professionalism and honesty he shows in his best-selling books and his award-winning television news work.”
July 27, 2010
April 1, 2010
Steele Quits as RNC Head
March 27, 2010
The Tattlesnake – What Would They Have to Say? Edition
What would the right-wing bloviators have to babble before their core audiences said, “that’s over the line”?
Would Rush Limbaugh have to say: “Why should some poor working stiff nobody cares about have the same vote as me? I’m an important, influential multi-millionaire who owns a $44 million estate in Florida with 5 swimming pools and a $14 million apartment in New York City and yet I only get a single vote. That’s wrong. I’m rich, so naturally I’m better than you, so I should get something like 100,000 votes to the single vote of some dumb middle-class slob, like the idiots who listen to my show! That’s only fair! For that matter, why should some dope who makes below a million per even get a vote?”
Would Glenn Beck have to say: “We have to get rid of these evil progressive programs like Social Security and Medicare. If grandma and grandpa are poor or sick and dying, well, they’ve had a good life – let them die or kill themselves and get out of the way to make room for the future! Why should my tax money go to keep your grandparents alive? That’s communist socialism, folks, and we can’t have it here in the free-market capitalist Christian America I love! Hey, it’s a fact: Jesus hated the poor and loved the rich – just like me! If you aren’t rich then your proper place is to be a slave and do what you’re told by those who are – it says so in the Bible and the Constitution if you read them right!”
Would Bill O’Reilly have to say: “I don’t care, frankly, if I’m completely wrong about some historical event, if it helps me make my point. As long as I believe it and you believe it, who cares? I’m not some wimpy historian and I’m not in the business of telling you the truth. I mold opinions, even if they are usually based on pure crap I make up or something my employers tell me to say for political reasons. Facts are vastly overrated; it’s faith and ratings that count!”
Would Sean Hannity have to say: “Sure, I lied about where those donations to my college fund for the kids of dead veterans were going; it’s true, only about ten percent actually went to the families of military personnel killed overseas. So? I have a high-overhead life, folks, and I’m sure if those dead peasants – uh – vets were alive to say it, they’d tell you that they’d want your donations to go to keeping me and my family traveling in style. C’mon, I’m a TV star – these guys were little nobody’s! What, am I supposed to fly Business Class or even – ack! – Coach for this friggin’ charity? What are you, nuts?!? I’m a Republican – I’m in it for the money, people!”
Would Michael Savage have to say: “You know why I’m doing this, my friends? Because I failed at being a hippy-dippy herbal medicine and homeopathic healing book author. That’s right, I was as liberal as they come back then and called myself ‘Dr. Michael Weiner,’ but I couldn’t rub two dimes together. Ha, ha, I swam naked with homo beat poet Allen Ginsberg – did you know that? Then I noticed all the loot Limbaugh was raking in from you ultra-conservative bozos and jumped on the gravy train. So I changed my name and thought up the most outrageous, disgusting political stuff I could and here I am – rich and almost king of the hill! I don’t believe a word I say but I get a damn good laugh that you do! Hey, and I voted for Obama! Ha, ha, ha, ha!”
Would Neal Boortz have to say: “My fellow patriots, I have a lovely family, but you know what really gets me off? Sex with animals, particularly sheep. There’s nothing like a warm sheep to keep you company at night – why, I’ve even installed a small stable on the second floor of my mansion just to be near Maizie, one of my special favorites. It’s okay, my wife understands completely – I’ve even introduced her to a very handsome horse named Oater to see if she’d like to ‘go for a ride,’ if you know what I mean.”
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
February 11, 2010
Beck is Just Asking Questions?
Six Dead, Scores Injured at Manhattan Theater
Talk Show Host Glenn Beck Questioned in Wild Riot
By Wendell Swynn
The New York Post-American
February 11, 2010
NEW YORK – Police are still investigating who or what caused a panicked mêlée Wednesday night at The Public Square Theater in downtown Manhattan that killed six and sent at least twenty-five to the hospital, but senior NYPD sources close to the investigation say that Glenn Beck, a Fox News cable channel talk show host, is now a ‘person of interest’ and undergoing intensive interrogation.
Suspicion has centered on Mr. Beck as several eyewitnesses reported the controversial television host stood up and began shouting ‘fire’ midway through a showing of the Michael Moore film, “Capitalism: A Love Story.”
“I saw him, he was down front,” said Mr. Horace Nubbin, a Brooklyn cabdriver, referring to Mr. Beck, “and he jumped up suddenly and started yelling the place was on fire. I just grabbed my kids and ran, along with hundreds of other people.”
Venola Gaye, a waitress from Queens, described the ensuing fracas, “People were just trampling each other trying to get to the exits – it was horrible, the theater was packed. Me and my family were lucky – we were in the seats in back, so we got out easy. What was this guy thinking? Did he think this was some big joke or something?”
Before being taken into custody, Mr. Beck admitted to reporters that he shouted ‘fire,’ but said it was only meant as a question. “You know, it was like, ‘are you ready for a fire?’ or speculating, ‘what if we had a fire started by city inspectors for some reason’ or ‘what if the management of the theater lit the place on fire for the insurance money?’ You know, I’m just a rodeo clown and I say what’s on my mind. I can’t help it if some people don’t get the context or whatever. I was just posing possibilities and asking questions.”
But witnesses disagree. Mr. Euell Doonce from Long Island, who was sitting a row behind Mr. Beck, said, “He was mumbling something low and inaudible but when he said ‘fire’ he screamed it at the top of his lungs, several times.” His wife Umelda, also a witness, added, “There’s no doubt he started this panic. This wiseacre ought to be thrown in jail.”
At press time, authorities had not determined whether Mr. Beck would be charged, but various witnesses reported that Mr. Beck was sitting with two men who were also yelling ‘fire’ in unison with Mr. Beck. It’s been alleged that the pair were radio talker Rush Limbaugh and Fox News host Sean Hannity. Both men are being sought by police for questioning.
January 19, 2010
November 20, 2009
November 6, 2009
The Tattlesnake – Post-Election Portents and Predictions Edition
…And How the Big Media Speculators Got It Wrong Again
The usual Big Media Punchinellos were out in force the past few days, blaring and bleating the Beltway Conventional Wisdom that the Democratic Party’s loss of the gubernatorial elections in Virginia and New Jersey are a sure referendum on Obama Administration policies. This is the sort of doomed facile reasoning found in the bottom of a Washington cocktail glass typical of Our Pundit Class who, from non-existent Iraq WMD to Fred Thompson’s popularity with voters, can never seem to fit the square peg in the round hole, pound though they might.
A brief review of the Dem candidates in VA and NJ clearly shows why progressives and like-minded independents didn’t bother to vote for Creigh Deeds in Virginia or Jon Corzine in New Jersey, and it had nothing to do with Obama. For various reasons explained below, they were both terrible candidates.
Creigh Deeds: In an era of change, Deeds was a shambling throwback, a dismal campaign clunker with four flat tires, who rejected Obama’s advice and help until it dawned on him in the final weeks he was going to lose in a landslide. He ran a miserably negative campaign, devoid of ideas, and presented his pap on toast so dry even peppy Dem loyalists fought to stay awake during his speeches. A Dem Blue Dog so blue he threatened to opt out of a public option should it become available to Virginians, he was nearly as conservative as his GOP opponent Bob McDonnell. Why leave the house to vote when the choice is between a Republican and a Dem who thinks like a Republican? Seen clearly, this was a referendum, and portent of the future, for Blue Dog Dems rather than President Obama.
Jon Corzine: The one-time ‘Garden State’ US Senator who was just bounced from the governor’s mansion is a Goldman Sachs Golden Boy who made piles of money on Wall Street and insists on spending it on vanity campaigns. Why he doesn’t just buy a new summer home or sumptuous overpriced yacht instead of squadering his fortune to impose himself on our political process is beyond me, but Corzine has never shown much talent for governing once elected, and what few things he has accomplished were always moderate to the point of invisibility. Jon is the kind of drab Dudley Do-Nothing the Democratic Party needs to send packing, if they expect to keep the majority in the future. Again, the portentiousness of Corzine’s defeat was not his affiliation with Obama’s policies, but the yellow line up the middle of his back from avoiding tenaciously either the right or left lane. He will not be missed, at least by this writer.
The point? Neither of them were progressives and didn’t stir independents or liberal Dems to go out and vote for them.
And now to stare into the crystal – but not Kristol – ball for some predictions on the Republican winners of those two elections:
September 1, 2009
The Tattlesnake Presents: Devon Keester’s ‘Under the Beltway’
All the Dirt That’s Not Fit to Print
The ‘Meth’ of American Exceptionalism
Under the Beltway by Devon Keester
Ass-Crackers: What is it with Right-Wing Squawkers and their anal cysts? Limbaugh dodged the draft because he had ‘em back in ’71; Glenn Beck had some removed in January of 2008 and whined about his medical treatment on the air. Now a deep, dark rumor is circulating that Loofahboy Bill O’Reilly had a case about a decade ago and secretly had them removed while he was ‘on vacation.’ Anal or ‘pilondial’ cysts can be hereditary, but they can also be caused by repeated acute irritation, acute irritation of the type that results from way too many drag races on the Hershey Highway, especially those proctological cruises without lubrication. Is this what’s going on behind the backstage closet door of these starboard goofballs? (Inquiring minds don’t want to know that badly, except for the extreme hypocrisy quotient and comic value.)
Beck is Ready for the Fork: Fox Babble-Boy Glenn “Dan Quayle” Beck has now lost 46 major advertisers as well as the ‘c’ from ‘Oligarchy’ the other day. What’s the deal – will Beck end up with only boner pills, penis pumps and Wrestlemania as advertisers? Sure, he’s rated Number 3 at Fox, but don’t bet against Number 2 Hannity and Numero Uno O’Reilly wanting to give him the heave-ho – he’s cutting into the dwindling audience for right-wing wiggery and how much more demento can he get before he just has a complete psychotic meltdown on the air and has to be restrained? His teary, over-emotional ‘schtick’ has no place else to go and if his fans don’t get the Jerry-Springer-Gaper’s-Block-train-wreck-pay-off they’re expecting, they’ll join Beck’s advertisers and move elsewhere.
Meth Use on the Rise in the Southern & Western States. What else is there to say? In the most blank-eyed, soul-sapped, over-medicated nation on the planet, the most ‘conservative’ regions, as it turns out, are also the areas most susceptible to the ‘poor man’s crack’ and now it’s even easier to make than ever. Instead of the smelly and dangerous meth lab of the past, now you can mix the stuff up in a two-liter plastic soda bottle while you’re driving. Of course, this won’t stop the government from stuffing even more billions down the rathole of ‘War on Drugs’ arrest, prosecution and incarceration – whether the draconian drug war works or not for its supposed purpose, it’s a good patronage system for politicos and gives them an issue to campaign on, it’s a golden goose for the privatized prison industry, and it keeps the cops and courts busy, aside from making sure the cost of drugs are high, so that the corrupt can get a nice cut of the hefty profits. Works for everybody but the addict and the taxpayer, so Washington loves it. Speaking of which, there’s this:
May 28, 2009
The Tattlesnake – Suggestions for the Fox Populi and the Other Media Maroons Edition
Remember, Kids, Freedom Isn’t Free: While I would never support censoring anyone’s freedom of speech, I think there should be special conditions for those in the right-wing media who regularly abuse this right by using it to spread outrageous fabrications and misleading distortions. Following are a few suggestions:
– Sean Hannity should be required to do his program in between regularly scheduled televised waterboarding sessions, say at 30-minute intervals every time he’s on the air. It’s could be like the half-hour time mark, “This is Sean Hannity and it’s exactly 8:30 – brggghhhh — arrggghhhh, STOP, STOP!!!!” This will end when Sean admits waterboarding is torture and quits show business the next day.
– Bill O’Reilly should have to do his show without a teleprompter or a script. Also, every antagonistic guest – which would constitute his entire guest list — would be a complete surprise that O’Reilly would have to deal with on-air in ‘real time’ without preparation. Oh, and the guests would all wear Keith Olbermann masks. This will stop when O’Reilly admits he uses a teleprompter and a script to do his show and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’ll also have to stop ambushing people with whom he disagrees, and say Olbermann’s name at least once during every program, until he quits show business the next day.
– Glenn Beck should be required to have Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar on his show as regular co-hosts. He would also have a crawl running under his name whenever he’s talking on the air, “Glenn Beck, Stand-Up Comic: You’re an Idiot If You Listen to Me!” until he quits show business that evening.
May 23, 2009
May 4, 2009
May 1, 2009
April 25, 2009
April 19, 2009
April 13, 2009
Glenn Beck’s Strange But True
TRUE NEWS ITEM: The Associated Press reported April 12, 2009, that Fox News host Glenn Beck is going to do a stand-up comedy tour starting June 1 in Denver, Colorado. Here’s the story:
Fox’s Glenn Beck Announces Comedy Tour
The Tattlesnake – Potent Political Potables Edition
The Sharron Angle
Combine equal parts chunky peanut butter, gunpowder and sacramental wine in an unclear empty vessel. Using an old blender in a narrow, dimly-lit room, mix until the consistency of baby poop. Serve in cracked teacups. Refrain from sharing the recipe with the media.
The Michele Bachmann
Mix together grapeshot-flavored Kool-Aid, sexual abstinence, Biblical nonsense, Nutty Buddy candy bars and wormwood alcohol with a thousand teabags and let ferment in a fevered brain. Serve to anyone who’ll pay attention until you’re hired by the Family Research Council after you lose your Congressional seat.
The Glenn Beck
Combine chopped nuts, saccharine, VapoRub, Victory gin, Goldschlager, white lightning, horse pucky and turpentine in a large vat lined with hundred-dollar bills. Drink until you drown.
The John Boehner
Mix equal parts Tang and cheap vodka.
Serve warm in a crockpot, after heating under a sun lamp.
The Andrew Breitbart
Mix equal parts caustic lye, near beer, used tea bags, hair of Rove, pus from a dog bite, aged McCarthyite bile and edited videotape in an Internet website. Whine until someone drinks it, but don’t attend the funeral after they do. When it eventually kills you, refuse to admit you’re dead.
The Jan Brewer
Prepare a standard pitcher of Margaritas and then add a cup of raw sewage and a cup of flop-sweat political desperation. Stir until the stench drives you away. Serve hot to morons with J. D. Hayworth crackers, Joe Arpaio pink prisoners and Tom Tancredo dip and hope for the best next election.
The Jeb Bush
Combine Southern Comfort, Rebel Yell, light tequila, orange juice, your father’s tears, family money and bought-off media contacts in a no-paper-trail electronic voting machine. Strain lightly through an old Klan robe and stir well while pretending to be affable and moderate until you’ve seized the GOP nomination for president. Just smile confidently when your drunken friends in the media write you’re nothing like you’re dumber older brother, really.
The Sean Hannity
Stir together equal parts Brylcreem, moonshine, sleaze and Preparation H, and force through a fox’s alimentary canal. Drink through a fire hose until belly is distended, then retire proudly on all of that money you stole that was supposed to go to the families of the military.
The Sarah Palin
Mix equal parts cold duck, Russian vodka, old Navy grog, Christian Bros. brandy, Slim Fast, baby formula, iced tea, mashed lipstick, grizzly bear fat, a diced dictionary, steaming bullshit and chopped currency in a Facebook-approved container. Half bake and serve cold to the media and your adoring fans while striking a pose.
The Rand Paul
Tilt your head back at a steep right angle, pour gallons of Kentucky sour mash bourbon and searing hot tea on your face, swallowing what you can of it, while furiously masturbating to a photo of Ayn Rand holding hands with Bull O’Connor. Do this until you are defeated in November.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.