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April 15, 2010
The Tattlesnake – Word on the Street Edition
In the spirit of the late Mike Royko’s Slats Grobnik, here are comments from the unFoxed Vox Populi:
– L.A. Mike, who was born and lived in Los Angeles for most of his life, on the Republicans paying $2K for simulated lesbian bondage at the Voyeur Club:
“What wrong with those dudes? It’s really stupid. For half that price in L.A. you could rent a motel room, hire a couple of hookers, see the same show up close and join in if you felt like it. You’d even have enough left for a bottle of some primo liquor. That’s really a stupid waste of money.”
– V.J., a small business owner for over 20 years, on Obama’s tax plan:
“I’m a middle-class small business owner and everybody was telling me, ‘watch out, Obama’s gonna raise your taxes!’ I just got my tax forms back from my accountant and I’m paying $800 less this year than last, and he specifically said it was thanks to two deductions Obama put through. If this is Obama’s big tax increase for the middle-class, keep it coming!”
– Anna, who worked in state government for 20 years, on Sarah Palin:
“I don’t get it – how do you quit as governor and then pass yourself off as a winner? How do you tell other families to practice abstinence when your own kid gets pregnant when she’s underage? Why does anybody take her seriously?”
– Al, who worked at a mail order firm, on the ruthless corporate culture:
“Worked at the same job for 12 years. We heard the rumor that company was being sold, but my boss, the owner of the company, looked me straight in the eye and told me he’d never sell and I’d always have a job there. Six months later we’re all fired and the owner makes off with a fortune from selling the company. I asked one of the ladies in accounting what happened – the S.O.B. was in the process of selling the company the very day he told me that B.S. that he’d never sell! The lady said he lied because he didn’t want people quitting to take other jobs before the new owner took over – wanted to squeeze every dime out of the place, even if it left us flat. He lied to my face and I thought this man was my friend!”
– Vernon, who managed an office for 10 years, talks about Michael Steele’s RNC spending:
“I’ll tell you this: If I had been charging anything from Tiffany’s or the liquor store to ‘office supplies,’ and I had approved an expenditure of a couple grand to a strip club, there would have been about two minutes before I was fired and out on the street. I don’t know how he gets away with it.”
– Lily, a waitress at an upscale restaurant, on GOP tax cuts:
“Why doesn’t the media ever call these guys out? They get up there, these Republicans, always talking about tax cuts and they’re rich as fuck! Sure, they want tax cuts – for themselves! Yeah, I got my little piddley-ass tax cut from Bush, and the price of everything went up, including my state taxes, so I went way further in the hole. They really treat us like we’re too dumb to know what they’re doing. Fuckers!”
– Rory, who once worked at a mental health facility, on the Teabaggers:
“These people must all have Alzheimer’s like Reagan. They don’t remember we had big deficits and big government under Republicans since Reagan? They don’t remember Reagan bailed out the savings and loans in the 1980s? I didn’t see them out there screaming and yelling then. They think the shitty economy started under Obama? Give me a break. They just hate him cause he’s black. These tea party people should go to their doctors and be tested for Alzheimer’s – they’ve definitely lost it. I mean if they can afford a head doctor on their fixed incomes — oh, wait a sec, Medicare will pay for that, so they’re covered!”
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February 12, 2010
December 30, 2009
December 23, 2009
The Case of the Sabotaged Christmas Carol
Back in the day when Johnny Dollar was riding high on the radio waves, this columnist was there when the squealer was masquerading as a singer. Here’s how it went down: when the class of seventh graders was attempting to apply their talent to a traditional Christmas song, the nun became rather riled because somebody (the tenor terrorist?) was ruining (the nun couldn’t very well use a vulgar colloquialism to designate the deliberate efforts to mess up the melody, could she?) it by singing off key. What kind of fiend would be trying to foil the youngsters attempt to perform a Christmas carol?
We decided that in order to hear the possible perpetrator and track him (her?) down; we’d just mouth the words. The dastardly warbler disappeared. If we kept quiet things went smoothly. Could it be that our efforts to become the modern embodiment of Caruso was so misguided that it seemed likely that our most sincere efforts to croon were being misinterpreted as deliberate effort to sabotage the song?
Lately, we’ve been wondering if something similar is happening with our efforts to do some noteworthy blogging.
Recently we ran a column about what we perceived as the inherent dangers of Instant Recall Voting (IRV). Yikes, it went over like changing keys in the middle of a note while singing. Is concern about accurate vote tallies antiquated and as much in he past as the Zero decade which is about to end?
If this columnist wants to boost the number of hits on his efforts should we check out some of the top political blogs and add our voice to the topics that are hot? What if our voice cracks? Or should we stick with our efforts to track down topics that are more unique?
If a priest encourages poor parishioners to resort to shoplifting, if necessary, to feed their kids, then how should this columnist react? Should we make allusions to Jean Valjean or would a condemnation of stealing be better? What if we drew attention to the fact that the shrill reaction to that opinion by the good father’s superiors was coming from people who had no trouble ignoring questions about the morality of torturing prisoners?
Recently we wrote a column about how good causes are begging for funds to continue their work. Should we do an update and insert some we forgot to mention such as Planned Parenthood or Environment California?
After we pointed out that mixing a celebration of the birth of the Prince of Peace with preparations for sending more troops into a battle (which most experts say is impossible to win) might seem inappropriate, Mike Malloy on his radio program made a similar observation.
Conservatives, who endorsed the massive deficit spending needed to fund the start of a perpetual war, are now having conniptions about spending money on health care for their own country’s citizens. Do Republicans have schadenfreude copyrighted?
Would writing a column pointing out that Tiger quit golf to spend time with his wife and family and then she left, indicate that he should return to the links and make the best of it? Could we work in a line about the siren call of the groupies being as irresistible as the attraction to the money he will win?
Who cares about polar bears? They are gigantic beasts who will not hesitate to kill humans given the chance. As long as global warming isn’t killing off the pandas, isn’t that good enough reason to keep using your SUV’s and ignore all this voodoo science stuff?
Has anyone pointed out that Glenn Beck’s efforts to get his fans to buy him a car seem inappropriate? Isn’t he supposed to be spokesman for the self made man party? Don’t Republicans value the self-reliant man? Is he a hypocrite who hopes that his political masters will not notice this abject failure of philosophy or is he just a chiseling SOB no better than the “spare change?” beggars the Republicans despise?
Maybe we should just send a letter to the all good, all knowing, all powerful Santa and ask him to send us a literary agent for this Christmas? Maybe if we put our efforts into a book length effort to wrap up incidents like the time Paul Newman asked for our autograph, we slept through a murder, the time we got our first photo lesson from a future Pulitzer Prize winner, etc., into one coherent manuscript; then maybe a literary agent could provide us with some bankable reasons for a shift in our literary endeavors?
It’s obvious that this columnist is incapable of writing something for the Internet that will precipitate events that will deliver a war crimes trial for George W. Bush, so maybe, in the holiday spirit of Peace on Earth, we can grant absolution so that the former President can sleep well at night?
A columnist who has been consistent in his disapproval of George W. Bush for his sanctioning of torture, various invasions, and failure to apprehend Osama (as promised on the smoldering ruins of the World Trade Center) can’t very well switch to the role of adoring cheerleader when his successor, who picks up just where 43 left off, is a Democrat. That would smack of inconsistency and partisanship, wouldn’t it?
Wait! There’s still time! It isn’t Christmas yet! Time to wrap up this column and go buy a California Lottery Ticket!
W. C. Fields has been quoted as saying: “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”
Now, the disk jockey will play the Stones “Sympathy for the Devil” and two versions of songs that share the same title: “Christmas in Jail.” We gotta go buy a lottery ticket. Have a “Peace on Earth, Good Will to Man” type week.
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December 19, 2009
The Tattlesnake – The Political Good, Bad and Ugly Edition
Good: Your husband has decided to get more involved in
local politics.
Bad: He’s running for congress as a conservative Republican.
Ugly: He’s Karl Rove.
Good: Your wife just got a great-paying job.
Bad: She’s on Fox News.
Ugly: After fifteen years of marriage, you never knew she was a wingnut.
Good: Your 22-year-old daughter just announced she’s marrying the man of her dreams.
Bad: He’s old enough to be her grandfather.
Ugly: He’s Mitch McConnell.
Good: Your 21-year-old son’s new book is about to be published.
Bad: It’s a biography of George W. Bush.
Ugly: He’s started talking like him.
Good: Your wife buys a new hat for her birthday.
Bad: It has teabags hanging off the brim.
Ugly: They’ve all been used.
Good: The recently discovered Bush emails prove conclusively that Bush, Cheney, Rove, et al, committed high crimes while in office.
Bad: Holder’s Justice Department refuses to prosecute them.
Ugly: Obama excuses them by saying, “Anyone could make a mistake.”
Good: You laugh at an Andy Borowitz satire about Glenn Beck ‘editing’ and releasing an ‘abridged’ version of “1984″ wherein Big Brother’s name is replaced by Obama’s.
Bad: Turns out it’s not an Andy Borowitz satire.
Ugly: The MSM quote from the book as if it were George Orwell’s original version.
Good: Your daughter just got a new job.
Bad: She’s working for Bill O’Reilly.
Ugly: She just bought a case of loofahs.
Good: Your son just got a new job.
Bad: He’s working for FreedomWorks.
Ugly: He’s Dick Armey’s ‘butt boy.’
Good: You just got a tenured job at a university.
Bad: You’re teaching ‘Creation Science.’
Ugly: At Messiah College.
Good: The ideas of Tom Paine are being discussed on TV.
Bad: By Glenn Beck on Fox News.
Ugly: Beck has made liberal agnostic Paine into a far-right Christian fanatic just like himself.
Good: Your son has been signed to star in a major motion picture.
Bad: It’s “The Life of Rush Limbaugh.”
Ugly: He was hired due to his strong resemblance to the subject.
Good: You’ve accepted a $50,000 speaking gig.
Bad: At the next CPAC convention.
Ugly: Your topic is “The Incredible Genius of Sarah Palin.”
Good: You’re not feeling well and your friend says he will find you a good doctor.
Bad: You’re flat broke.
Ugly: Your friend is Joe Lieberman.
© 2009 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
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December 9, 2009
So Many Causes, So Little Time
(Berkeley CA) While visiting San Francisco, it became necessary to go to a bank branch that wasn’t the one this columnist usually uses and in the course of a conversation with the manager, he mentioned that if this customer intended to give the teller a tip, it would be better to donate to one of the charities that they suggested and then he dealt out a list of about a dozen good causes. He caught us a bit unaware since we have never tipped a bank clerk. Maybe the rich folks tip them like they tip the croupier when they win a big pot at Monte Carlo?
The sheet of paper he provided was carefully tucked away so that the list could be accurately transcribed at this point in this column. One of the disadvantages of a rolling stone existence is that things get lost and so, despite a sincere effort, no list. The only one that comes to mind is the fog city SPCA.
A clothing store in San Franciso directed their customers to St. Jude’s Hospital (www.stjude.org) which assures donors that the organization in Memphis will never stop looking for cures for the diseases which severely affect children.
Activists on Venice Beach. Recently, were asserting that folks shouldn’t shoot sea lions (www.oceananimals.net)
While staying at the hostel in the Fort Mason National Park (spectacular scenery with a supermarket a just across Laguna St.) we encountered Padma Dorje who was collecting signatures as part of her effort to eliminate torture in the world.
Across the bay from San Francisco, the Asian Community Mental Health Services is conducting the Tiny Tickets effort. Travelers are asked to send in their Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) tickets to help support that good cause. (http://www.acmhs.org/bart.htm)
Fellow columnist (and occasional war correspondent) Jane Stillwater is conducting an online petition urging the reform of campaign financing. For more about that click this link(http://www.thepetitionsite.com/2/constitutional-amendment-to-stop-lobbyists)
While traveling in Australia (looks like the folks on Cottesloe beach will have to celibate Christmas without this columnist this year) activists for Greenpeace and Amnesty International seemed to be ubiquitous, but, upon reflection, they may not have been encountered in Kalgoorlie. We assured those eager young workers that since we couldn’t afford to give money to their causes, we would urge the people who read our columns to support the altruistic efforts of both groups.
Now that President Obama is in office and is directing his best efforts towards ending the war in Afghanistan, it will no longer be necessary for this columnist to constantly harangue his faithful readers with diatribes about the absurdity of the continued slaughter and carnage involved in the commendable American efforts to convert that county’s citizens over to advocates of democracy and free elections. Also, this year as Christians celebrate the birth of the Prince of Peace, it will not be appropriate to suggest that former President Bush, who ignored the precepts of war established at the Nurmberg Trials or the rules of the Geneva Conventions, deserves a severe reprimand in the form of another War Crime Trial for himself and some of the members of his administration. He didn’t know that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq (what better reason could there have been for invading Afghanistan?).
Americans have given 43 a “Get out of Jail” card and so it will be necessary for columnists of both the conservative and progressive persuasion to find new and more compelling causes to espouse.
We were pondering the monumental problem of deciding what crap to buy for friends for Christmas so that they could cram their closets with irrefutable evidence that they support capitalistic democracy via their effort to spend the country out of Great Depression 2.0 and not just by mouthing meaningless platitudes such as “Peace on Earth good will to men (who should be tortured to prevent new terrorist attacks),” when we realized that the Christmas scenes that depict polar bears (<I>Ursus martimus</I>) lurking in the background of the images of Santa may become anachronisms when the last polar bear drowns in an ice free Artic Ocean.
Bill O’Reilly made a pledge to America that he would protect them from pinheads in the media who disseminated faulty information. O’Reilly is as much history as is “the Lone Ranger” program which must logically mean that the cry for Climate Justice is a legitimate concern. He’s gone from radio and we’re still here writing columns. Nice try, Bill! Guess the people just didn’t buy your BS, eh? Hence, if we write about global warning, it will now be up to Uncle Rushbo to protect the hillbillies from pro science points of view.
Speciescide happens. Folks who live in Berkeley know that UCB’s mascot is the California Golden Bear (<I>Ursus arctos callifornicu</I>) and many of them also know that the last one of that species was shot in Tulare county in 1922. Therefore we will compose a column which will have the headline: “Dead polar bear walking!” and fictionalize an interview with the plight of a unfairly convicted (that never happens in the USA, but movie fans know that some unjustified executions do occur in places such as Saddam’s Iraq) prisoner on death row.
What will happen in the future when there are summer heat waves and there are no polar bears in the local zoo to photograph? How will the wirephoto division of AP cope with that challenge?
There are good causes and there are bad causes, but are there any uncaused causes?
Hmmm. As an ordained minister this columnist has to wonder: Does the Berkeley cheerleading squad need the services of a volunteer chaplain?
George Carlin has said: “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” How many little boys and girls in Iraq would like to ask Santa to bring back their arms or legs?
Now, the disk jockey, who heard this song on Revolution Radio (KREV 92.7 FM in the San Francisco area), will play the new curmudgeon anthem: “I’m beginning to drink a lot at Christmas” (will that become this year’s viral Internet fad?) and this columnist will go Christmas shopping. Have a “ho, ho, ho in Freo” type week.
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Bin Laden Killing Assures Obama’s Reelection in 2012
It’s a sad fact that a sizable section of the voting public, colloquially known as Low-Information Voters (LIV), doesn’t pay close attention to politics, history or much else of serious importance to their futures. If they happen to be women, they can be found glued to shopping channels, ‘reality’ TV shows or Oprah; if men, they are usually focused on sports, video games or action films.
While we progressives can endlessly debate the nuances of Obama ordering the killing of Osama bin Laden, the LIV have already made up their minds: Obama is now the ‘kick ass’ president who brought down bin Laden, outdoing even Junior Bush, a previous favorite of this crowd because he invaded Iraq and kicked Saddam Hussein’s ass, even if Iraq and Saddam had nothing to do with 9/11. (Some of them still think he did.)
Most of us know or are related to members of the LIV contingent; these are the celebrators who were deliriously waving the flag, pumping their fists in the air and chanting ‘USA, USA’ in venues around the country after the news of bin Laden’s death was reported last Sunday. I have been drinking in neighborhood bars with the LIV for decades, and know how they think. They love Dirty Harry/Rambo kick ass commanders-in-chief and Obama just joined that group. No ambiguity here: bin Laden deserved to die and Obama killed him, despite the fact that al-Qaeda will not be put out of business, any more than the Gambino crime family ceased to exist when Carlo Gambino died.
Hilariously and pathetically, some Republicans are trying to give Little Bush credit for bin Laden’s demise, refusing to mention Obama, but even the demented bloviator Rush Limbaugh, Reagan’s parsimonious mouthpiece Peggy Noonan and that troglodyte Rep. Peter King are complimenting Obama for killing Osama. And what does the GOP have in the presidential bullpen to respond — Trump’s wild hair, Romney’s scintillating personality, Huckabee’s huckster Christianity, Pawlenty’s passive-aggressive puling, Bachmann’s Tea Party overdrive?
Also worth noting is that by this action Obama gained support from many in the military, proving to them he is no academic liberal wimp unwilling to ‘pull the trigger’ on the terrorists.
Obama is now the kick ass commander-in-chief and, in America, kick ass commanders-in-chief always win reelection, except for Poppy Bush. (Even his own party hated him for not going into Baghdad and taking out Saddam Hussein during the First Gulf War — and the LIV loathed him.)
Short of a full-blown Great Depression-style economic collapse, Obama just sealed his 2012 win and the LIV and military will be his margin of victory.
Copyright 2011 RS Janes.