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News of the Future, Rand Paul Edition
Sen. Rand Paul Dead; Author of Controversial Bill
Special to the Louisville Courier-Journal
July 5, 2014
Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) died yesterday afternoon from food poisoning that investigators say he contracted from contaminated meat at his favorite Washington restaurant, the exclusive Le Petomane. Autopsy results concurred that the filet mignon cooked medium-rare consumed by Sen. Paul contained large amounts of deadly E-coli bacteria.
Sen. Paul will be remembered for co-sponsoring, with Representative Michele Bachmann (R-MN), the controversial Paul-Bachmann Restoring Our American Freedoms Act that, as well as allowing racial segregation in private businesses open to the public once again, also eliminated the Dept. of Agriculture and ended government inspection of meat and other food products. President Palin signed the act into law just a month before Sen. Paul’s untimely death.
The Senator’s life might yet have been saved, but public ambulance service was discontinued following passage of last year’s Republican-sponsored National Personal Responsibility Act, which Sen. Paul also avidly supported. A spokesman for Paul’s office said he had forgotten to renew his private ambulance subscription due to his hectic Senate schedule. Instead, a very ill Sen. Paul was put into a cab by his wife and died in transit to the hospital, stuck in rush-hour traffic made worse by the crumbling roads that have not been repaired by their new private corporate owners.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that a donation be made to the Club For Growth’s Accidents Happen Fund. Private services will be held Wednesday at the Exxon-Mobil Memorial Cemetery in Louisville.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.
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The Tattlesnake – Palin’s Muddle Tongue Edition
So Sen. Crash Pilot’s erstwhile 2008 VP candidate and half-baked Alaska Governor has decided to invent her own words like ‘refudiate’ – just like that Limey fella Shakespeare, by golly!
Well, since Mama Grizzly Palin wasn’t doing too swell with the dialect most Americans speak, perhaps she had no choice but to become the ‘Mutter Curage’ of the English language.
Back here at the Tattlesnake hovel, I’ve decided to conjure up a few words the newly self-anointed wordsmith can add to what Stephanie Miller aptly described as her ‘Fictionary.’ You’re welcome, Sarah.
Historectumy: 1. Pulling inaccurate historical ‘facts’ from your rear end to make your erroneous opinion seem less idiotic. (See also: ‘Fox News’ and ‘Beck University.’)
Stuperior: 1. Superiority in your utter stupidity. 2. The backassward side of something so stupendously dumb that when viewed at multiple angles, every side is backassward. (See also: ‘Willful Ignorance,’ ‘Religious Insanity’ and ‘Unwarranted Arrogance.’)
Taxicology: 1. The uniquely Republican economic psychosis, a colossal failure since its inception, that you can cut taxes and maintain the same level of revenue that you had before you cut taxes by way of the magic fairy dust of the ‘free market,’ which no one has ever actually witnessed in action. 2. Ignoring the rotten condition of the schools, roads, bridges, parks and other public projects that serve the common good in order to avoid making the wealthy unhappy by having to pay taxes. (See also: ‘The Big Rock Candy Mountain’ and ‘This is Your Brain on Milton Friedman.’)
Teabaggy: 1. The feeling of exhaustion from living in a perpetual state of ignorant outrage and bilious hatred. (See also: ‘Damp Dittoheads’ and ‘Michael the Savage Weiner’)
Teabuggery: 1. Having your organization sodomized by Republican money, operatives and influence. (See also: ‘Dick Armey, Lobbyist’ and ‘FreedomWorks.’)
Wasillingus: 1. Using one’s mouth to spread the pernicious political virus of far-right Christopublicanism. 2. A perky rural Alaskan’s foot-in-mouth syndrome. (See also: ‘Diseases of the Crack Pipe’ and ‘Polar Meth Lab Sickness.’)
That was fun; I may add some more in the future.
© 2010 RS Janes. LTSaloon.org.