July 6, 2008

The Tattlesnake – Drowning Down at the Old Rumor Mill Again Edition

From Everybody’s Favorite: Various Possibly Reliable Sources Who Wish to Remain Anonymous:

– China has already given the back-channel ultimatum to the Bushites – attack Iran and interrupt the flow of Iranian oil vital to the Asian nation’s economy and China will interrupt their loans and imports to the US, causing the American markets to crash even further and faster. The question is: will the mad Bush-Cheney neocons, drooling over an assault on Persia before Junior leaves office, pay attention?

– It’s a done deal: Bill Clinton has allegedly started secretly raising money for a run at the New York Governorship in 2010. Not only is Big Dog tired of campaigning for other people, he also sorely misses having political power. And he wouldn’t mind a spot in the record books as the first president to also be elected governor of two different states, one prior to the presidency and one after.

– Take it to the bank: Among those who WON’T be Obama’s VP are USA Gen. Wesley Clark, USMC Gen. James Jones, USN Adm. William Fallon, Indiana Sen. Evan Bayh, or a certain junior senator from New York. However, two barely-mentioned Veep candidates are said to be receiving close scrutiny by Barack: former White House counter-terrorism chief Richard Clarke and former diplomat and Hillary supporter Joe Wilson, husband of ex-covert CIA operative Valerie Plame.

– Bobby Bye-Bye: McCain just crossed Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal off of his Veep list. Jindal is in trouble deep in the Big Easy state and a recall election movement is swiftly gaining momentum. Also take Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty out of the running – rumor has it McCain thinks he’s something of a wimpy dope and MN is going Solid Blue in 2008. Word is, McCain also doesn’t want a woman on his ticket and he favors ‘real men’ he can ‘relate to’ like Tom Ridge or former-Gen. Tommy Franks. Iraq ‘surge’ instigator Gen. David Petraeus is also supposedly in the top five and, although Petraeus is said to have political ambitions, he also doubts McCain can win, so he might turn the VP slot down.

– A fly on the wall says Rachel Maddow is thisclose to signing up for a weekday hour-long talker with MSNBC, depending on CNN’s final offer. Supposedly she’s already told them she won’t take Campbell Brown’s slot opposite her pal Keith Olbermann, and she doesn’t much like CNN’s contract restrictions regarding guests and other amenities. Brown’s ratings are shrinking faster than a carved apple in the sun and CNN is desperately trying to find a fresher face who’s more ‘progressive’ to go up against KO’s blockbuster Countdown, now leading former primetime champ Bill O’Reilly, particularly in the all-important younger demo. Word is, even the controversial and unemployed Rosie O’Donnell has turned down the ‘Most Trusted Name in News.’

– Look for Ralph Nader to fold up his campaign tent by August. He hasn’t been raising much money or finding many volunteers, and he isn’t even on the ballot in enough states to theoretically score the number of electoral votes necessary to win the presidency. He’s also about to be hit by Dem lawsuits accusing him of collecting campaign donations under false pretenses. Whoa, Ralph!

– This Day in Hell: New arrival Jesse Helms of North Carolina, who shucked off his mortal coil July 4th at the age of 86, is slated to be reincarnated as a black man with syphilis in 1948 under treatment by the Tuskegee ‘Experiment’ physicians. Once word gets out that he contracted the disease from a white woman, however, syphilis may be the least of his problems. The former Republican senator pathetically protesting to the Klan, “Ah know ah look black on the outside, but ah’m really white inside – ah’m gawdamn Senatuh Jesse Helms, fuh crissakes!” to try and save himself from a lynching? Priceless!

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